THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


POPULAR  BOOKS 

BY 

BRICK 


t—  BESOT. 
.  n.  —  NON5K5SK. 
m.  —  SATURDAY  KIOHTS. 
TT.  —  OOLD-DU8T. 

V.  — BBICK  DUST. 

VI.  — HOME  HARMONIES. 


f-  H»  rerutility  of  genins  exhibited  by  this  anthor  has  won 

him  a  world-wide  reputation  as  a  facetious  and  a  staroog 

writer.      One   moment   replete  with  the  moat 

touching  pathos,  and  the  next  foil  of 

fun,  frolic,  and  sarcasm." 


AI  fabliahed  uniform  with  this  volume,  at  $1.60,  and  Bent  by  I 
free  qf  postage,  on  receipt  of  price, 

BT 

0.  W.  CARI  ETON  «k  CO., 
W«w  Y«rk. 


NONSENSE, 


OB 


Hits  and  Criticisms  on  the  Follies  of  the  Day 


BY 


NEW  YORK: 

Carleton,  Publisher,  Madison  Square. 

LONDON:  S.  LOW,  SON  &  CO. 
M  DCC.C  LXXXV. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  In  the  year  1868,  by 

G.  W.  CAKLETON  &  CO., 

IB  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  UM 
Southern  District  of  New  York. 


TROW'S 

PRINTING  AND  BOOKBINDING  Co., 
205-313  East  I2/A  St., 

NEW  YORK. 


I 


debication, 

READER!    THIS  VOLUME  is  DEDICATED  TO  YOU. 

It  IT  RAISES  A  SMILE,  DRIVES  CARE   FROil  YOUR  HEART  EVEN  TOM 
AX  HOUR,   Am)  MAKES  YOU  BETTER  NATURED, 

/  am  content. 

V    fOU  CAN  WHITE  A  WORSE    BOOK,   DON'T  DO  III    II1  YOU  OAS 

ffltl'U  A.  BETTER  ONE,   DO  IT  QUICKLY  FOB  THE 

EDIFICATION  OF 

"BBIOK"  POMEBOT, 


154245O 


CONTENTS. 


OBAFTIB 

I.— Onr  First  Exercise  in  Skating 11 

IL — Science  of  Kissing IT 

IIL — Mosquitoes  on  a  Bender ..    81 

IV.— My  Milkmaid  Miranda 29 

V. — My  Experience  at  a  New  England  Sewing-Circle  ! 88 

VI. — Biluria  Bulkins  and  our  Courtship 48 

VII.— Pickerel-Fishing  iu  Connecticut 56 

VIII.— B-o-s-t-o-n-! 63 

IX. — How  I  lost  Aurelia 71 

X.— The  Dog-Gondest  Dog '. 84 

XL— Peter  Oleum  struck  by  "  Brick." 94 

XII.— Teutonic  Anguish 104 

XIII.— "  Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa 109 

XIV.— Cure  for  a  Cold 122 

XV.—"  Brick  "  Pomeroy  sends  the  President  his  Ann-Alice 123 

XVI.— "Brick"  and  Kalista 188 

XVIL— "  Brick  "  Pomeroy's  Evening  with  Arlon 147 

XVIII. — "  Brick  "  Pomeroy's  Experience  at  Niagara  Falls 155 

XIX.—'4 Brick "  Pomeroy  Skateth  at  the  Central  Park 163 

XX.— Boston  Betsey's  "  Brick,"  or  "  Brick's  "  Betsey 176 

XXL— How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands 187 

XXII.— A  Chicken  Suit 205 

XXIIL— As  a  Pic-Nic-ist 309 

XXIV.— "Brick  "and  the  School-Manns! 219 

XXV.— Wisconsin  School-Marm  Convention 283 

XXVI.— The  Fun  of  Sleighing 245 

XXVII.— Slobbering  Parties— for  the  Heathen ! 854 

KXVIIL— Wonderful  Hair  Reproducer 262 

XXIX.-The  Dlckena 866 


AUTHOR'S  PREFACE, 


IN  the  first  place  I  did  not  write  this  Book. 

It  was  printed. 

And  the  reason  I  wrote  it  was  simply  this : 

In  1817  my  father  owned  a  large  peach-orchard  in  New 
Jersey.  At  the  same  time  he  owned  a  yoke  of  oxen,  and 
a  large  covered  wagon.  The  wagon  was  covered  by  a 
shed.  A  simple  shed  of  excellent  habit,  inasmuch  as  it 
covered  the  wagon. 

At  this  time  my  uncle  lived  in  Canada,  adjoining  the 
town  nearest  the  one  he  resided  in.  He  owned  a  span  of 
horses  and  a  garden.  It  was  a  covered  garden,  covered 
by  weeds. 

There  was  not  then,  and  it  is  safe  to  presume  there  is 
not  now  any  other  .resemblance  between  the  wagon  of  my 
father  and  the  garden  of  my  uncle,  than  the  fact  that  each 
was  covered. 

Why  this  was  so  I  never  knew,  as  the  nurse  left  the 
day  beforehand,  so  I  determined  to  adopt  the  wisest  course, 
thinking  it  would  be  the  best.  The  result  was  all  I  wished, 
and  more. 

In  1821,  the  physician  moved  away,  and  left  the  place. 
My  father  determined  to  bind  me  out  as  an  apprentice  to  a 
fine  old  gentleman  whose  daughter  was  in  love  with  a 
young  man  who  lived  with  his  father  down  the  river 
which  in  the  spring-time  was  so  swollen  by  the  rains  that 
it  was  important  not  to  cross  it  except  in  a  skiff  tied  to  a 
buttonwood  tree  by  a  chain  which  cost  five  dollars  at  the 
hardware  store  on  the  corner  of  the  street  in  the  village 
where  each  Sabbath  morning  the  minister  told  his  many 
congregation  which  would  have  been  larger  had  it  not  been 
for  the  habit  so  many  people  had  of  staying  away  from  all 
places  of  good  instruction  without  which  not  a  single  per-^ 
son  in  the  village  would  have  been  fafe  for  a  moment  from 
the  members  of  a  band  of  desperadoes  whose  retreat  was 
in  the  bowels  of  a  huge  mountain,  on  whose  healthy  tides 
1* 


10  Author's  Preface. 

the  birds  sang  all  the  day  long  as  if  to  remind  the  wearj 
passer-by  that  in  all  well-regulated  families  there  exists  a 
cause  for  the  effect  be  it  great  like  the  late  war  which 
was  a  fearful  struggle  on  both  sides  for  the  original  position 
held  by  the  covered  wagon  of  my  father. 
.  Who  can  wonder  at  the  infatuation  of  the  youth  when 
he  saw  his  own  true  love  in  the  power  of  the  Indian  whose 
scalping-knife  hung  suspended  from  a  tree  over  the  grave 
where  a  small  picket  fence  had  been  erected  by  a  boy  who 
saw  the  fire  burst  forth  devouring  in  an  hour  the  fruit  of  a 
lifetime  of  toil  which  unrewarded  leaves  no  recompense 
to  strengthen  the  soul  of  man  as  he  wars  with  evils  that 
beset  the  path  which  led  to  the  trysting-tree  which  had  by 
this  time  been  cut  down  to  make  room  for  a  large  hotel 
where  the  sound  of  revelry  by  night  was  heard  booming 
over  the  still  waters  of  the  lake  as  the  moon  shone  down 
upon  the  sailor-boy  stood  on  a  burning  deck  1 

At  this  moment  the  breeching  gave  way  and  the  horse 
plunged  over  the  precipice,  which  at  this  point  ran  nearly 
a  thousand  cubic  feet  into  the  cave  where  the  serpent  had 
taken  refuge  from  the  coming  storm  which  threatened  to 
burst  forth  and  destroy  the  entire  plan  of  the  temple  on 
which  if  the  workmen  had  been  employed  to  save  the 
child  ere  it  struck,  the  bottom  of  the  well  down  which  the 
bucket  descended  bringing  up  the  purest  ice-water  rival 
ling  the  alabaster  neck  of  the  wounded  sufferer  whose 
death  happened  to  plunge  the  entire  city  in  mourning. 

The  reader  will  see  at  a  glance  that  from  this  moment, 
none  of  us  were  to  blame  as  the  events  mentioned  will 
prove. 

P.S. — If  this  preface  does  not  suit,  the  resignation  of  the 
reader  will  be  accepted  whenever  he  visits  the  sanctum  of 
the  author  where  the  following  pages  were  written  merely 
for  that 

"  Little  nonsense  now  and  then, 
Is  relished  by  the  wisest  men." 

Humorously  thine, 

"BRICK"  POMEROT. 

SANCTUM  :  IM  C'ro«<«,  Wit.,  1S67. 


NONSENSE. 


CHAPTER  I. 
OUR  FIRST  EXERCISE  IN  SKATINO. 

JGHT  beneath  one  of  our  windows,  from 
morn  till  midnight,  we  see  youngsters 
and  oldsters  twisting  their  legs  into 
all  conceivable  shapes,  skating  up  and  down  the 
river  merry  as  lambs.  "We  cannot  pick  up  a 
paper  but  an  article  on  "  skating "  meets  the 
eye.  Everybody  says  it's  fun,  and  that's  all 
everybody  knows  about  it,  for  we've  tried  it 
Last  night,  about  gas-light  -time,  after  reading 


12  Our  First  Exercise  in  Skating. 

a  glowing  description  of  life  on  skates,  we  pro 
pared  for  our  first  attempt,  and  sallied  forth 
to  join  the  merry  crowd.  We  had  on  a  pair 
of  stoga  boots,  trousers-legs  tucked  inside,  a 
Robert-tailed  coat,  and  white  hat.  "We  \vent 
down  on  the  ice,  and  gave  a  boy  two  shillings  in 
good  coin  of  the  realm  for  the  use  of  his  im 
plements.  We  have  confidence,  even  as  great  as 
Peter's  faith.  We,  with  the  assistance  of  a  friend, 
fixed  on  the  skates  and  stood  erect  like  a  barber's 
pole.  Encouraged  by  the  sight  of  some  ladies  on 
the  bridge,  who  were  just  then  looking  at  the 
skaters,  we  struck  out.  A  slant  to  the  right  with 
the  right  foot,  a  slant  to  the  left  with  the  left 
foot,  and  just  then  we  saw  something  on  the  ice 
and  stooped  over  to  pick  it  up!  On  our  feet 
again — two  slants  to  the  right  and  one  to  the  left, 
accompanied  with  a  loss  of  confidence.  Another 
stride  with  the  right  foot,  and  we  sat  down  with 
fearful  rapidity,  and  very  little  if  any  elegance  ! 
What  a  set-down  it  was,  for  we  made  a  dent 


Our  First  Exercise  in  Skating.  13 

in  the    ice    not    unlike    a    Connecticut  butter- 
bowl. 

Jnst  then  one  of  the  ladies  remarked,  "  Oh, 
look,  Mary,  that  feller  with  the  white  hat  ain't 
got  his  skates  on  the  right  place ! "  Ditto, 
thought  we.  Just  then  a  ragged  little  devil  sang 
out,  as  he  glided  past  us :  "  Hallo,  old  timber 
legs ! "  and  we  arose  suddenly  and  put  after  him, 
and  away  went  our  legs — one  to  the  east  and  tho 
other  to  the  west — causing  an  immense  fissure  in 
our  pants  and  another  picture  of  a  butter-tray  in 
the  cold — oh,  how  cold! — ice!  Then  the  lady 
again  spoke,  and  said,  "  Oh,  look,  Mary,  that 
chap  with  the  white  hat  has  sat  down  on  his 
handkerchief  to  keep  from  taking  cold ! "  "Wo 
rose  about  as  gracefully  as  a  saw-horse,  when 
Mary  said,  "  Guess  'taint  a  handkerchief,  Jane," 
and  Mary  was  right.  It  wan't  a  handkerchief— 
not  a  bit  of  it.  Just  then  a  friend  came  along 
and  proffered  us  his  coat-tail  as  a  "steadier." 
We  accepted  the  continuation  of  his  garment, 


14  Our  First  JExercise  in  Skating. 

and  up  the  river  we  went,  about  ten  rods,  when 
a  shy  to  the  right  by  the  leader,  caused  us,  the 
wheel-horse,  to  scoot  off  on  a  tangent,  heels  up ! 
But  the  ice  is  very  cold  this  season! 

"We  tried  it  again.  A  glide  one  way,  a  glide 
and  a  half  the  other,  when  whack  came  our  bump 
of  philoprogenitiveness  on  the  ice,  and  we  saw 
millions  of  stars  dancing  around  us,  like  ballet 
girls  at  the  Bowery  Theatre.  How  that  shock 
went  through  our  system,  and  up  and  down  our 
spinal  column !  Lightning  couldn't  have  cork 
screwed  it  down  a  greased  sapling  with  greater 
speed  or  more  exhilarating  effect.  Boarding- 
house  butter  nor  warranty  deed  could  have  struck 
any  stronger  than  we  did — and  a  dozen  ladies 
looking  at  us  and  our  fissured  pants ! 

"  Hallo,  old  cock ! "  sang  out  that  ragged  imp 
again,  and  we  there  helpless.  Soon  we  got  up 
and  made  another  trial  with  better  success.  Per 
il  aps  we  had  skated,  in  our  peculiar  style,  fifteen 
feet,  when  a  blundering  chap  came  up  behind, 


Our  First  Exercise  m  Skatvtig.  15 

and  we  sat  down,  with  our  tired  head  pillowed  in 
his  lap,  and  he  swearing  at  us,  when  it  was  al. 
his  fault!  How  cold  the  ice  was  there,  tool 
Every  spot  where  we  made  our  debut  on  the  ice, 
oh,  how  cold  it  was !  Our  nice  bear-skin  was  no 
protection  at  all.  We  tried  again,  for  the  papers 
all  say  it's  fun,  and  down  came  our  Roman- 
Grecian  nose  on  the  cold  julep  material,  and  the 
little  drops  of  crimson  ran  down  our  shirt-bosom, 
and  on  to  the  cold  ice! 

Once  more  we  tried  skating — made  for  the 
shore — eat  down  and  counted  damages.  Two 
shillings  in  cash  thrown  away ;  seven  lateral  and 
one  "  fronternal "  bumps  on  the  ice ;  one  immense 
fissure  in  as  handsome  a  pair  of  ten-dollar  cassi- 
meres  as  a  man  ever  put  his  legs  in ;  one  rupture 
ai  the  knee,  extending  to  the  bone ;  four  button* 
from  our  vest ;  a  fragmented  watch-crystal,  and  a 
back-ache  big  enough  to  divide  among  the  chil 
dren  of  Israel !  If  you  catch  us  on  the  smooth, 
glassy,  chilliDg,  freezing,  treacherous,  deceitful, 


16  Owr  First  Exercise  in  Skating. 

slippery,  and  slip-uppery  ice  again,  you'll  kntw 
it !  If  any  one  ever  hears  of  our  skating  again, 
they  will  please  draw  on  ns  at  sight  for  the  bi 
valves  and  accompanying  documents.  We  have 
got  through.  It's  a  humbug !  It's  a  vexation  of 
spirit,  of  business,  of  flesh,  and  tearer  of  trousers ! 
It's  a  head-bumping,  back-aching,  leg-wearying 
institution,  and  we  warn  people  against  skating. 
We  tried  it,  and  shan't  be  able  to  walk  for  a 
month.  Skating  clubs  are  humbugs,  and  the 
only  reason  why  the  rascally  youngsters  wish  to 
get  the  ladies  at  it,  is  that  they  may  see — if  they, 
too,  don't  say  "  the  ice  is  dreadfully  cold ! "  It's 
nothing  to  us,  it's  nothing  to  us;  bat  the  ladies 
will  do  as  well  to  let  skates  alone,  unless  they  are 
younger  and  more  elastic  than  are  we !  Oh, 
how  cold  the  ice  is — we  can  feel  it  yet  I 


CHAPTER  II. 

SCIENCE  OF  KISSING. 


kiss,  yet  not  one  in  a  hundred 
knows  how  to  extract  bliss  from  lovely 
lips,  no  more  than  they  know  how  to  make 
diamonds  from  charcoal.  And  yet  it  is  easy  — 
at  least  for  us  !  This  little  item  is  not  alone  for 
young  beginners,  but  for  the  many  who  go  at 
kissing  like  hunting  coons  or  shelling  corn. 

First,  know  who  you  are  to  kiss.  Don't  make 
a  mistake,  although  a  miss  take  may  be  good. 
Don't  jump  up  like  a  trout  for  a  fly,  and  smack 
a  woman  on  the  neck,  the  ear,  one  corner  of  her 
forehead,  the  end  of  the  nose,  or  slop  over  on  her 


18  Science  of  Kissing. 

waterfall  or  bonnet-ribbon,  in  your  haste  to  get 
through. 

When  God  made  the  world  He  went  slow, 
and  at  last  pronounced  it  "very  good."  Ditto 
kissing.  And  morning  and  night  were  the  first 
day!  It  is  simple,  yet  excellent.  The  gent 
should  be  a  little  the  tallest.  He  should  have 
a  clean  face,  a  kind  eye,  a  mouth  full  of  ex 
pression,  instead  of  tobacco.  Don't  kiss  all  over 
ao  grasshoppers  walk.  Don't  kiss  everybody, 
including  nasty  little  dogs,  male  or  female. 
Don't  sit  down  to  it.  Stand  up.  You  need 
not  be  anxious  to  get  in  a  crowd.  Two  persons 
are  plenty  to  corner  and  catch  a  kiss !  More 
persons  spoil  the  sport !  Stand  firm.  It  won't 
hurt  after  you  are  used  to  it ! 

Take  the  left  hand  of  the  lady  in  your  right 
hand.  Let  your  hat  go  to — any  place  out  of  the 
way!  Throw  the  left  hand  gently  over  the 
shoulder  of  the  lady,  and  let  the  hand  fall  down 
upon  her  right  side,  toward  the  belt.  Don't  be 


Science  of  Kissing.  1$ 

in  a  hurry  I  Draw  her  gently,  lovingly,  to  youi 
heart.  Her  head  will  fall  lightly  upon  yom 
shoulder — and  a  handsome  shoulder-strap  it 
makes !  Don't  be  in  a  hurry !  Send  a  little 
life  down  your  left  arm,  and  let  it  know  its 
business.  Her  left  hand  is  in  your  right.  Let 
there  be  expression  to  your  grasp — not  like  the 
grip  of  a  vice,  but  a  gentle  clasp,  full  of  electri 
city,  thought,  and  respect.  Don't  be  in  a  hurry ! 

Her  head  lies  carelessly  on  your  shoulder  i 
You  are  nearly  heart  to  heart !  Look  down  into 
her  half-closed  eyes  1  Gently  yet  manfully  press 
her  to  your  bosom  I  Stand  firm,  and  Providence 
will  give  you  strength  for  the  ordeal !  Be  brave, 
but  don't  be  in  a  hurry ! 

Her  lips  almost  open!  Lean  lightly  forward 
with  your  head — not  the  body.  Take  good  aim 
— the  lips  meet — the  eyes  close — the  heart  opens 
— the  soul  rides  the  storms,  troubles,  and  sorrows 
of  life  (don't  be  in  a  hurry) — heaven  opens  before 
you — the  world  shoots  from  under  your  feet  as 


20  Science  of  Kissing. 

a  meteor  flashes  athwart  the  evening  sky  (don't 
be  afraid) — the  nerves  dance  before  the  just- 
erected  altar  of  love  as  zephyrs  dance  with  the 
dew-trimmed  flowers — the  heart  forgets  its  bit 
terness,  and  the  art  of  kissing  is  learned !  No 
noise — no  fuss — no  fluttering  and  squirming,  like 
hook-impaled  worm. 

Kissing  don't  hurt — does  not  require  a  brass 
band  to  make  it  legal.  Don't  jab  down  on  a 
beautiful  mouth  as  if  spearing  for  frogs !  Don't 
grab  and  yank  the  lady,  as  if  she  was  a  strug 
gling  colt !  Don't  muss  her  hair — scrunch  down 
her  collar — bite  her  cheeks — squizzle  her  rich 
ribbons,  and  leave  her  mussed,  rumpled,  and 
mum-muxedl  Don't  flavor  your  kisses  with 
onions,  tobacco,  gin  cocktails,  lager-beer,  brandy, 

etc.,  for  a  maudlin  kiss  is  worse  than to  a 

delicate,  loving,  sensitive  woman.  Try  the  above 
recipe,  and,  if  you  do  not  succeed,  for  further 
particulars  call  on,  or  write  to  "  BEICK  "  POMEEOT, 


CHAPTER  HI. 
MOSQUITOES  ON  A  BENDER. 

• 

[GHT  before  last,  in  order  to  sleep,  we 
placed  a  piece  of  raw  beefsteak  on  a 
plate  at  the  head  of  our  bed.  In  the 
morning  it  was  by  the  mosquitoes  sucked  as  dry 
of  blood  as  an  old  sponge,  and  our  skin  saved  at 
least  two  thousand  perforations.  All  about  the 
room,  in  the  morning,  were  mosquitoes,  plethoric 
with  blood,  loaded  till  they  could  not  fly.  We 
killed  a  few,  but  the  job  was  too  sanguinary,  so 
we  left  them  to  their  feast. 

Last  night,  in  order  to  get  even  with  the  sere 
nading  devils,  we  steeped  half  a  pound  of  fresh 


22  Mosguvtoes  on  a  Bender. 

beefsteak  in  some  old  rye  whiskey,  and  left  it  on 
a  plate  by  the  bed.  Nothing  like  being  hospita 
bly  inclined.  In  ten  minutes  after  the  light  wag 
extinguished,  a  swarm  of  these  backbiting  bill 
posters  made  an  advance  movement.  One  of 
them  caressed  us  sweetly  on  the  nose — he  sent  in 
his  bill — there  was  a  slap— a  diluted  damn — a 
dead  mosquito !  Soon  we  heard  a  tremendous 
buzzing  about  the  whiskey-soaked  beef.  The  en 
tire  mosquito  family  came  singing  in,  and  such 
an  opera — good  Lord  deliver  us  !  But  they  did 
not  disturb  us  with  bites.  "We  fell  asleep,  to  be 
awakened  in  ten  minutes  by  the  worst  mosquito- 
concert  ever  editor,  mortal,  devil,  angel,  divine, 
Dutchman,  or  any  other  man  listened  to.  We 
raised  a  light,  and  the  greatest  show  of  the 
season  was  there  to  be  seen.  Every  mosquito 
was  drunk  as  a  blind  fiddler,  and  such  an  uproar 
ious  night  as  the  long-billed  whelps  had,  never 
was  seen  before  this  side  of — selah  !  The  worst 
antics !  Some  were  playing  circus  on  the  plate 


Mosquitots  on  a  Bend&r.  23 

One  big  fellow,  with  a  belly  like  Falstaff,  full  of 
blood  and  whiskey,  was  dancing  juba  on  the 
Bible,  while  a  fat  friend  of  his  lay  on  her  back 
beating  the  devil's  dream  on  an  invisible  tambou 
rine,  with  one  hind  leg !  Two  more  were  wrest 
ling  on  the  foot-board  of  the  bedstead,  each  with 
his  bill  stuck  fast  in  the  timber.  Another  watt 
tying  the  legs  of  our  pants  into  a  bow-knot  to 
fasten  about  the  neck  of  Anna  Dickinson — whose 
picture  hangs  against  the  washstand — while 
another  red-stomached  customer  was  trying  to 

stand  on  his  head  in  the  wash-bowl. 

• 

All  over  the  room  were  drunken  mosquitoes ! 
One  long-billed,  gaunt  representative,  was  trying 
to  ram  the  mucilage  bottle  full  of  newspaper 
clippings.  Another  chap  was  drilling  a  hole 
through  a  revolver  handle,  and  singing  "  My 
Mary  Ann;"  while  still  another  was  limping 
across  the  window-sill  in  search  of  fresh  air,  to 
the  agonizing  tune  of  "  Tramp,  tramp,  tramp ! " 
One  little  rat  of  a  skeet  was  trying  to  jam  the 


24  Mosquitoes  on  a  Bender. 

cock  out  of  Ben.  Butler's  eye  with  a  tooth-brush, 
as  his  picture  hung  in  the  room  beside  that  of 
Kidd,  the  pirate.  A  drunken  statesman  of  the 
mosquito  family  was  talking  Russian  to  a  lot  of 
drunken  companions,  as  they  lay  in  a  heap  on 
the  plate,  while  another  one  sat  in  the  handle  of 
our  bowie-knife,  doubled  up  with  cramp  in  the 
Btomach,  and  trying  to  untie  his  tail  with  his  bill, 
which  seemed  like  Lincoln's  backbone  when 
.Anna  Dickinson  said  it  wanted  stiffening.  He 
was  a  sick-looking  skeeter,  and  died  in  three 
minutes  after  we  saw  him,  her,  or  it,  as  the  case 
may  be.  Two  others  took  a  bath  in  the  ink 
stand.  One,  with  a  bill  like  the  devil's  narrative, 
was  trying  to  wind  our  watch  with  a  pen-wiper; 
while  another  died  as  he  was  sitting  on  the  rim 
of  a  dish  in  the  room,  trying  to  chaunt  "  Mother, 
I've  come  home  to  die  !  "  Poor  skeeter.  A  nice 
Bkeeter,  but  "  'twas  a  pity  he  drank."  An  old 
veteran,  with  a  paunch  full  of  'alf  and  'alf—  blood 
and  whiskey — sat  on  the  table,  reading  Lea 


Mosquitoes  on  a  Bender.  25 

Miserables,  while  his  wife  was  under  the  stove 
trying  to  mend  her  broken  wing  with  a  limpsey 
toothpick.  She  looked  disgusted !  Another  one 
combed  his  hair  with  a  paper  of  pins,  tied  a  piece 
of  white  paper  about  his  neck,  pasted  a  five-cent 
infernal  revenue  stamp  on  his  rump — or  words  to 
that  effect — and  died  like  a  "  loyal "  citizen.  His 
last  words  were — 

"  Tell  the  traitors  all  around  you,"  etc.,  etc. 

Another  drunken  scamp  started  out  of  the 
window  for  John  B.  Gongh,  or  a  stomach- 
pump.  A  worse  behaved  set  of  bummers  we 
never  saw.  They  acted  fearfully.  About  two 
thousand  lay  around  dead,  but  sadness  seemed 
not  to  break  in  upon  their  hilarious  rioting 
upon  blood  and  whiskey.  Half-a-dozen  of  them 
sat  on  our  new  hat  playing  draw-poker,  using 
worm  lozenges  for  checks,  while  one  of  the 
party  got  clean  busted  by  making  a  fifty- 
dollar  blind  good  on  a  four-flush,  which  didn't 
2 


26  Mosquitoes  on  a  Bender. 

fill!  He  will  be  apt  to  wear  cotton  socks  next 
winter,  and  keep  away  from  church  collection 
days.  Another  one  sat  on  top  of  a  brandy  bot 
tle,  reading  "  Baxter's  Call  to  the  Unconverted," 
while  his  partner  lay  dead  at  .his  feet,  evidently 
forced  to  close  doors  by  the  failure  of  Ketchum 
&  Son,  of  New  York !  Six  others  were  trying 
to  hang  one  that  looked  like  a  Copperhead,  to 
the  corner  of  a  match-safe;  but  as  they  were 
drunk  and  he  sober,  it  was  not-  safe  to  bet  on  his 
being  dangled.  They  ate  the  beef,  drank  the 
.blood  and  whiskey,  drilled  the  plate  full  of 
holes,  and  on  the  centre-table  organized  a  Son 
of  Malta  lodge,  using  a  five-cent  shin-plaster  for 
blanket  in  the  act  entitled  "  The  Elevation  of 
Man." 

Another  red-bellied  leader  of  the  Miss  Keeter 

family  had  a  battalion  of  drunken  bummers  on 

the  edge  of  a  spittoon  watching  him  jam  a  fur 

vercoat  into  his  left  ear.     He  acted  foolish — 

foolish  enough  for  a  brigadier-general  or  member 


Mosquitoes  on  a  Bender.  27 

of  congress.  A  little  cuss  with  black  legs  crini- 
Bon  stomach,  and  double-jointed  bill,  was  vomiting 
in  a  satin  slipper,  while  his  wife,  a  sickly-looking 
lady  of  her  tribe,  was  gnawing  at  the  bed-post, 
thinking  it  a  bologna.  Another  one,  evidently 
an  old  maid,  sat  under  the  sofa  milking  the  cat, 
while  her  sister  was  crowding  a  pair  of  woollen 
drawers  into  her  waterfall,  singing  in  a  subdued 
strain — 

"  Come  rest  in  this  bosom  1 " 

"We  have  applied  for  a  season  ticket — front 
seat. 

Another  one,  with  a  certificate  of  marriage 
jver  his  head  in  the  shape  of  a  welt  the  size  of  a 
candle-mould,  was  dancing  a  fandango  with  two 
mosquito  virgins  on  a  watch-crystal,  while  a 
deacon  in  one  of  their  churches  sat  playing  old 
sledge  with  a  corkscrew,  to  see  which  should  go 
for  a  gin  cocktail.  An  artistic  delegate  was 
standing  on  his  head  in  a  champagne  tumbler, 


28  Mosquitoes  on  d  Sender. 

one  hind  leg  run  through  his  under  jaw,  while 
with  the  other  he  was  pointing  out  the  road  to 
Richmond  to  a  lot  of  skeets  still  drnnker  than 
himself,  who  were  sitting  dog-fashion  on  the 
pillow.  We  should  say  it  was  a  gay  party — 
quitely  BO  ! 

Talk  about  shows,  concerts,  dog-fights,  amputa 
tions,  circuses,  negro  funerals,  draw-poker,  spark 
ing,  or  other  amusements,  there  is  nothing  to  bo 
compared  to  a  flock  of  mosquitoes  on  a  bender. 
If  you  don't  believe  it,  fix  them  up  with  a  piece 
of  beefsteak  soaked  in  whiskey,  and  laugh  your 
Bides  sore  at  the  antics  the  drunken  warblers  cut 


CHAPTER  IY. 
Mr  MILKMAID  MIRANDA. 

LOYED  a  milkmaid,  Miranda  by  cog 
nomen,  and  she  was  the  quickest  inilkist 
that  ever  squatted  garter-holders  under 
the  dripping  eaves  of  a  patient  bovine  on  a  day 
of  rain,  and  sich.  She  was  handsome.  Her 
mother  was  a  handsome  cuss,  and  her  father 
was  a  blessing  in  disguise,  with  mien  like  an 
angel  and  hair  colored  like  a  New  Jersey 
barn. 

Miranda  lived  in  New  England.  Her  paternal 
pap  engineered  a  country  store,  kept  blooded 
geese,  sold  potatoes  by  the  pound,  kept  cheese 


SO  My  Milkmaid  Miranda. 

nnds  for  rat-trap  bait,  blackened  pins  and  Eold 
them  for  fish-hooks,  furnished  steam  for  a  Puri 
tan  prayer-meeting,  cultivated  a  duck  pond,  and 
taught  his  nose  to  blush  on  apple  brandy.  He'd 
take  the  screws  out  of  his  mother's  coffin  and  sell 
them  for  money  to  put  on  the  church  contribu 
tion-plate,  and  he  never  missed  attending  com 
munion  in  order  to  get  a  free  lunch  at  the  ex 
pense  of — never  mind  who  ! 

But  Miranda  wan't  like  him.  She  milked  the 
cows  and  strained  the  milk.  I  used  to  help  her. 
We  were  both  boys — that  is,  I  was  a  boy,  then. 
I  was  green,  but  pure.  Ditto  Miran.  She  was 
tall.  She  was  long  for  this  world.  She  was  fat 
as  a  toothpick.  She  had  a  neck  like  a  bottle  of 
Worcester  sauce.  She  was  slim  as  the  salary  of 
a  country  minister,  or  the  wardrobe  of  a  country 
editor  washing-day.  And  didn't  I  sling  love  into 
her  lap  ?  Tou  bet !  And  didn't  she  sling  milk 
into  her  little  twelve-quart  tin  pail,  while  I  used 
to  stand  and  hold  the  drooping  backbone  con- 


My  Milkmaid  Mira/nda.  31 

tinuation  of  that  bovine  cow,  lest  it  soil  the  tinted 
cheek  of  my  milkmaid,  Miranda  ? 

"We  loved.  How  could  we  help  it?  He! 
mother  was  opposed  to  the  match.  She  thought 
Miranda  wan't  good  enough  for  me.  I  had  tho 
poverty.  It  struck  in  before  I  struck  out.  Be 
ing  poor,  I  was  good;  hence  the  objection.  So 
we  courted  syruptastingly,  and  met  in  the  barn 
yard  the  usual  way — through  the  back  gate. 
Every  night  I  veni'd  and  vidi'd.  Her  mother 
nsed  to  catch  us  at  it.  She  enticed  Miranda  into 
bedrooms,  cellars,  pantries,  and  closets,  and  there 
confined  her  before  her  time  came  for  going  out 
to  milk. 

But  wo  often  circumvented  the  aged  matron. 
"We  changed  clothes  with  the  hired  man,  and 
went  in  on  our  nerve.  Miranda  loved.  "  Brick  " 
loved.  But  we  had  hard  times  of  it.  Affection 
gurgles  as  it  runs.  Our  affection  ran  not 
emoothly.  The  darned  thing  won't  run  smooth 
Sclah ! 


32  My  Milkmaid  Miranda. 

We  used  to  wander  after  beech-nuts,  anJ  the 
old  lady  was  there.  We  sallied  forth  to  gathei 
shells  of  ocean — as  we  called  hen's  eggs — in  the 
hay-mow,  and  behold !  the  old  lady  was  there. 
We  went  forth  hand  in  hand,  like  the  ghost  of 
John  Brown  and  that  other  man,  in  search  of  a 
love-lit  bower,  and  behold!  there  appeared  the 
aged  who  first  knew  Miranda,  and  bade  us  return. 
She  was  an  agile  mother.  We  sat  under  the 
window  to  compare  our  tales  of  love,  and  Mi 
randa's  mother  inflicted  shower-baths  upon  us 
the  while.  We  attended  funerals  in  order  to 
have  fun,  but  behold  she  was  there,  and  our  fun 
came  not  to  pass.  At  times  I  rode  the  family 
horse  by  the  window  at  stated  periods  when  Mi 
randa  was  to  be  there,  and  the  voice  of  my  milk 
maid's  maternal  was  always  saying,  "Let's  see 
how  fast  you  dare  ride !  "  She  locked  up  the 
barn-door  to  keep  us  from  entering  therein.  She 
locked  up  the  parlor  to  keep  us  from  courting 
there.  She  stuck  sticks  over  the  kitchen  door 


My  Milkmaid  Miranda.  33 

latch  to  keep  us  out  of  that  apartment  She 
locked  Miranda  up  in  a  cellar  to  keep  us  from 
descending  into  that  damp  place.  I  said  in  my 
puny  wrath,  "Dog-gone  that  ancient  female!" 
I  had  but  one  hand  to  love  Miranda  with — the 
other  was  needed  to  battle  the  second  volume  of 
Miranda's  authorship  with.  My  love  sank.  It 
lowered.  It  prostrated.  I  went  to  Canada.  I 
remained  in  the  embrace  of  the  Queen,  as  'twere. 
Af  ter  a  time  the  old  lady,  at  the  close  of  a  de- . 
lightf  ul  trip  of  nine  weeks'  duration,  arrived  at 
the  grave-yard,  thanks  to  a  doctor,  whose  doc- 
torin  I  ever  recommended  in  such  cases.  The  lit 
tle  posy-rosy,  the  hollyhock,  and  the  asparagus 
bloomed  over  the  maternal  derivative  of  my  milk 
maid,  and  made  me  happy.  I  shouted  in  unison 
with  merry  roosters  and  the  vernal  chickens,  and 
sought  her  I  loved.  Twelve  years  had  gone  and 
done  it.  But  Miranda  stuck  it  out.  No  one 
could  look  upon  the  face  of  her  ma,  and  survive. 

I    was    the    exception.      Miranda's  father    had 

2* 


34  J/j  Milkmaid  Miranda. 

passed  in  his  checks.  He  grew  tired  of  life,  and 
after  a  fit  of  family  happiness  took  the  poison  the 
rats  refused,  and  went  joyfully  from  the  arms  of 
Miranda's  maternal  mother  to  death,  and  its  re 
sults,  as  'twere. 

Miranda  had  the  things  she  inherited,  such  as 
geese,  the  little  store,  the  cheese  rinds,  the  war 
bling  ducks,  and  all  sich  of  the  estate,  and  threw 
open  the  shutters  of  her  heart.  I  popped  in. 
The  front  room  thereof  was  vacant.  I  slung  in 
my  traps,  crawled  in  at  the  window,  took  pos 
session,  sang  a  song  of  joy,  kissed  my  milkmaid 
on  her  dinner-catcher,  sold  my  disappointment 
for  a  yellow  necktie,  and  became  an  altered 
man,  full  of  joy  where  sorrow  had  so  lately 
nestled.  "We  courted.  "We  wedlocked.  "We 
Bold  the  old  homestead.  "We  went  to 
B — 0-s-thn  (with  the  "thn"  up  your  nose), 
and  went  in  for  sty] el 

There  was  a  party.  Miranda  fixed  up  for  it. 
Miranda  was  flush  from  the  proceeds  of  the 


My  MilkmdM  Miranda.  35 

homestead.  She  bought  a  cow's  worth  of  frizzled 
hair,  a  sheep's  worth  of  lace  for  her  garters,  a 
hog's  worth  of  night  blushing  seriousness,  and  the 
earnings  of  the  geese,  bees,  chickens  and  ducks 
her  father  had  for  years,  and  went  to  the  ball. 
But  she  was  gay !  Hardly  knew  her.  She  looked 
large.  Such  a  bust !  Such  colors !  Such  teeth  I 
Such  hair !  Such  complexion  !  Such  palpitatorsl 
Such  poached  front  hair,  and  such  scrambled 
back  hair !  She  was  raised  in  Weathersfield, 
New  England,  and  was  weaned  on  onions.  I 
knew  her  by  her  gentle  breath.  But  for  this  I 
would  have  lost  her. 

We  wore  out  the  party.  All  fashionable  people 
etay  to  extinguish  the  lamps.  Style.  "We  went 
home.  There  was  a  cry  of  fire.  Our  house  was 
in  flames.  Miranda  had  gone  to  her  retirary 
while  I  was  writing  a  description  of  the  party. 
I  heard  the  alarm.  I  rushed  into  our  bedroom. 
I  found  something  slim  and  docile  in  the  bed! 
1  thought  it  was  the  bolster  got  the  wrong  way. 


36  My  Milkmaid  Miranda. 

I  wanted  to  act  in  fireman  style,  so  thruvi  Aiirroi 
out  of  the  window  to  let  the  crowd  down-stairs 
know  all  was  safe  above ;  then  ran  down  with 
bolster  in  my  arms.  This  long  slim  bolster  was 
Miranda,  my  milkmaid !  She  had  decreased. 
Affected  by  fear.  I  sat  her  down  under  the  par 
lor  window,  in  a  rose-bush,  that  the  crowd  might 
not  see  "the  charms  her  downcast  modesty," 
etc.,  failed  to  conceal. 

Then  I  ran  back  to  get  her  things-,  spread  in 
five  chairs  at  the  foot  of  the  bed  and  lying  in 
circles  on  the  floor.  I  got  them.  Nine  arrnsful 
when  I  had  them  all.  The  house  was  in  ruins, 
and  Miranda  was  burned  to  death.  I  felt  bad ! 
Who  could  help  it  ?  Pardon  my  weakness,  but 
I  wept.  Yet  I  was  consoled.  Though  gone,  she 
was  with  me  still.  I  had  all  that  made  her  love 
ly.  I  had  her  curls,  her  frizzle,  her  rats,  her 
waterfall!  I  had  her  spiral  palpitators,  her 
bird's-nest,  her  veals !  I  had  a  set  of  teeth,  a 
eteel  compress  for  the  ankles!  I  have  set  at 


My  Milkmaid  Miranda. 


37 


things  in  their  order.  I  have  them  hung  on 
wires.  I  shall  pour  a  little  melted  girl  (easy  to 
be  had  this  hot  weather)  into  the  fixings,  and 
have  an  udder  Miranda.  How  lucky  to  save 
•o  much  of  her! 

Ever  of  theely, 

"  POMEKOT. 


CHAPTER  Y. 

MY  EXPERIENCE  AT  A  NEW  ENGLAND  SEWING- 
CIRCLE  ! 

"  The  Christian  ladies  of  this  congregation  are  invited 
to  meet,  Thursday  evening,  at  the  residence  of  Mrs.  Sniv 
eller,  to  form  a  Sewing-Society.  A  full  attendance  is 
requested." 

JS* 

I UCH,  my  dear  hearers,  reads  a  notice  I 
find  on  my  sacred  desk  this  morning, 
and  I  read  it  in  hopes  you  will  profit 
thereby. 

We  will  now  sing  Psalm  cxxxi.,  first  twc 
stanzas. 


A  lH&w  England  Sew  ing- Circle.          3D 

My  heart  not  haughty  is,  0  Lord, 

Mine  eyes  not  loftly  be ; 
Nor  do  I  deal  in  matters  great, 

Or  things  too  high  for  me ! 

I  surely  have  myself  behav'd 

With  spirit  great  and  mild 
As  child  of  mother  weaned ;  my  sciul 

Is  like  a  weaned  child. 

All  sing! 

Says  I,  "  Bully."  Not  in  a  bully  spirit,  but 
with  a  sort  of  Puritanical  meaning,  and  con 
cluded  to  go.  Mrs.  Sniveller — Mrs.  Deacon 
Sniveller — lived  in  a  large  white  house,  in  a 
stone-patch  under  the  hill,  down  by  her  hus 
band's  button  shop.  Mrs.  Sniveller  was  a 
leading  horse,  so-called,  in  the  team  of  benevo 
lence  at  Buttonville.  She  had  a  little  peaked 
red  nose,  about  right  to  open  clams  with;  a 
nervous  jerk  to  her  head,  spiral  enticers,  and  a 
waterfall  the  size  of  a  plum-pudding,  but  filled 
with  more  ingredients.  Deacon  Sniveller  passed 


40         A  New  England  Sewing- Ciide. 

the  plate  Sabbaths,  and  took  the  fund?  home 
to  count.  Mrs.  Sniveller  always  gave  with 
great  liberality  on  the  next  Sunday ! 

I  wanted  to  go.  I  borrowed  hoops,  skirts, 
waterfalls,  and  etceteras.  I  puffed  my  front- 
hair,  slung  my  waterfall  on  my  bump  of  obsti 
nacy,  hoisted  an  onion  into  the  reticule  I  car 
ried  on  the  left  arm,  shouldered  a  green  cotton 
umbrella,  took  a  piece  of  red  flannel  to  make  a 
shirt  for  some  little  innocent  bud  on  the  tree 
of  Abolitionism,  and  sallied  forth,  as  the  Yankee 
clock  struck  two. 

Mrs.  Sniveller  was  in.  The  front  parlor  and 
the  middle  parlor  was  full  of  noble  women,  while 
the  best  bedroom  was  full  of  bonnets,  green  um 
brellas,  and  reticules,  in  which  to  carry  home 
eweetcakes,  tarts,  biscuit,  plum  pits,  apple  cores, 
and  such  little  things  slyly  slipped  from  Mrs. 
Sniveller's  table. 

Mrs.  Sniveller  didn't  Imow  me.  T  told  her  T 
was  little  Sally  Squiggle,  as  what  lived  thore 


A  New  England  Sewing- Circle.          4J 

ten  years  before,  and  had  been  South  teachin* 
skule ! 

"  Lordy  massy,  so  it  is !  Why,  how  natural 
you  do  look,  now  it  all  comes  to  me  agin  I 
Bless  me !  let  me  kiss  my  dear  Sally,  who  hae 
escaped  from  the  wretches  !  "  And  angelic  Mrs. 
Sniveller  came  near  putting  my  right  eye  hora 
de  combat  with  the  end  of  her  nose ! 

I  was  introduced.  Nineteen  women  were  glad 
to  see  me,  and  kissed  their  dear  little  Sally  till 
my  waterfall  got  skewed  clear  around  under  my 
left  ear,  and  I  began  to  feel  a  rising  sensation 
in  my  throat  from  the  hugging  then  and  there 
given — or  words  to  that  effect. 

After  I  had  been  so  affectionately  gone 
through,  I  went  into  the  bedroom  to  reconstruct  1 
Gracious !  My  waterfall  had  got  under  my  left 
ear,  making  me  look  as  if  some  ugly  man  of  sin 
had  lifted  me  one  with  brass  knuckles,  and  forgot 
to  take  it  home  with  him,  while  my  beautiful 
front  hair  resembled  a  garden  full  of  pea- vines 


£2          A  JVew  England  Sewing- Circle. 

after  a  hurricane.  But  I  retained  my  composure, 
and  went  out  to  become  the  centre  of  attraction. 

"  My  dear  Sally !  " 

" Precious  Sally!" 

"  Little  Sally  Squiggle,  sure  enough !  " 

"  So  glad  you  cum  hum !  " 

"  Neow  dew  tell  us  all  abeout  it !  " 

Mrs.  Sniveller  was  made  chairman,  and  the 
following  resolutions  were  adopted : 

"  Resolved,  That  this  shall  be  called  the  But- 
tonville  Benevolent  Baby  Association. 

"  Resolved,  That  Mrs.  Sniveller  be,  and  hereby 
are,  our  President. 

"  Resolved,  That  our  aim  is  to  help  the  down 
trodden  and  bedridden  daughters  of  Ham,  now 
in  the  clutches  of  that  vile  people,  and  to  this 
end  every  member  of  the  B.  B.  B.  make  one 
little  flannel  shirt  a  week,  and  Sally  Squiggle 
shall  tell  us  the  size. 

"  Resolved,  That  we  open  and  close  our  Society 
dth  prayer. 


A  New  England  Seining- Circle.          43 

"  Resolved,  That  each  one  of  the  members  in- 
rite  some  man  to  go  home  with  her  at  night." 
(Here  I  was  about  to  object  for  fear  of  exposure, 
but  for  fear  of  exposure  I  didn't  object. — Sally.} 

After  the  Society  was  organized,  I  was  kept  so 
busy  answering  questions  that  I  came  near  not 
finishing  the  baby  envelope  I  was  working  on, 
and  should  not,  had  I  not  took  long  stitches,  aa 
people  do  in  benevolent  sewing ! 

Mrs.  Sniveller  said: 

"Now,  Sally,  ain't  that  ere  Southern  people 
the  hatefullest  proud  people  the  world  ever  did 
see  ?  Cousin  John,  who  went  down  as  a  sutler, 
brought  home  two  trunks  of  the  proudest  silks, 
laces,  jewelry  that  was  real  gold,  and  set  with 
purty  stones  that  was  real  diamonds,  and  worth 
a  power  of  money.  He  found  them  in  bureaus, 
trunks,  closets,  and  sich  places.  The  sneaking, 
coward-men,  had  gone  off  to  kill  our  good  peo 
ple,  and  the  women  were  at  work  in  the  hos« 
l>itals,  and  all  «Tohn  had  to  do  was  to  whip  a  lot 


44         A  New  H/ngland  Sewing- Circle. 

of  little  children  and  help  himself!  I  knew 
them  ere  folks  are  a  wicked,  mean,  ongrateful 
set,  and  ought  to  be  killed." 

Mrs.  Puritan  wanted  to  know  if  it  was  true 
that  the  people  of  the  South  actually  cooked  * 
biled  dinners  on  Sunday?  If  they  did,  she 
really  hoped  her  cousin  in  Congress  would  pass  a 
law  that  whenever  a  man  in  the  South  cooked 
a  biled  dinner  on  Sunday,  he  should  be  hung 
before  dinner,  and  his  biled  dinner  should  be 
sent  North ! 

Mrs.  Pinchbeck  hoped  the  war  would  continner 
to  go  on  till  there  was  no  more  end  of  nothing. 
For  her  part,  it  was  all  stuff  about  the  people  suf 
fering  during  the  war.  Her  Josiah  had  a  con 
tract,  and  made  two  hundred  thousand  dollars 
the  first  year ;  and  when  her  brother,  Rev.  Peak- 
nose  Ranter,  came  back  from  the  war — where 
he  had  periled  his  precious  life  eating  preserves 
so  they  would  not  hurt  sick  soldier — she  brought 
home  more  than  fifty  gold  watches,  and  the  nices* 


A  New  Engla/nd  Sewing-  \Jircle.          45 

gold-clasp  Bible,  which  was  now  used  emy  Sun 
daj  in  one  of  the  Buttonville  churches. 

Mrs.  Squeak  said  the  people  of  the  South  were 
nothing  but  murderers;  for  when  her  brother, 
Colonel  Fibre  Hunter,  was  out  in  a  field,  doin' 
nothin',  killin'  nobody,  doin'  nothin'  but  just 
seein'  how  -much  cotton  an  army  team  could 
draw,  so  he  could  tell  if  it  was  a  good  team, 
some  cowardly  gorilla  shot  a  hole  cleafti  through 
him,  and  wouldn't  even  send  his  clothes  home  for 
her  Jedediah  to  wear  out !  And  she  hoped  if  an 
other  war  ever  did  come,  some  of  them  sinful  men 
of  the  West  would  go  down  and  do  it  to  'em  agin ; 
not  that  she  cared  so  much  for  her  brother,  but 
she  wanted  them  are  clothes  for  her  Jedediah ! 

Mrs.  Cockeye  said  she  hoped  there  would  be  a 
hull  paasel  of  wars ;  for  her  cousin,  her  dear  good 
cousin,  Benjamin  (the  Beast),  had  made  lots  of 
money  in  the  late  war,  and  had  supplied  nearly 
all  her  relatives  with  spoons,  watches,  silver 
ware,  etc. ;  and  said  it  was  right  the  war  should 


£6         A  New  England  Sewing-Circle. 

go  on,  for  her  consin  was  safer  in  war  than  befoie 
a  court  of  justice,  even ;  and  said  it  was  a  Chris 
tian  duty  to  let  all  Christian  ware  be  continnered 
so  long  as  there  was  anybody  to  continner  'em. 

Mrs.  Sniveller  here  spoke  again : 

"Well,  I  don't  care,  nohow.  The  South 
should  be  fought !  What  right  had  they  to  have 
cotton  picked  by  niggers  without  asking  our  con 
sent  ?  And  they  were  rich.  And  they  had  nice 
things.  And  we  believe  a  nigger  baby  is  of  more 
account  than  a  white  pauper  in  the  North.  And 
my  husband,  Deacon  Sniveller,  wants  more 
bones  to  make  buttons  of;  he'll  sell  the  buttons 
to  the  South  and  West,  and  they  will  have  to 
pay  us  New  England  Christians  for  the  privilege 
of  wearing  out  their  own  bones." 

By  this  time  tea  was  ready.  We  had  a  good 
tea.  Such  curious  silver- ware  —  old-style,  pure 
silver — didn't  taste  brassy  a  bit,  and  all  of  ua 
ladies  tasted  all  the  silver  dishes  to  see !  And 
such  a  lot  of  spoons !  Each  one  of  us  had  al 


A  New  England  Sewing- Circle.          47 

our  plate  a  spoon  with  our  initials  on.  Mr3., 
Sniveller  had  a  barrel  of  silver  spoons,  and 
hunted  them  over  till  she  found  our  regular 
initials  in  regular  order  !  Oh,  it  was  so  nice ! 
And  we  piled  all  the  shirts  up  in  a  chair,  and 
put  a  Bible,  rescued  from  the  wicked  South,  on 
the  top  of  the  pile,  and  then  Rev.  Mr.  Slammer 
came  in  and  made  a  prayer,  while  Mrs.  Drawler, 
on  a  nice  rosewood  piano,  played  that  patriotic 
piece  of  music — 

"  John  Brown's  body  lies  mouldering  in  the  grave  I 
John  Brown's  body  lies  mouldering  in  the  grave! 
John  Brown's  body  lies  mouldering  in  the  grave  ! 
Glory,  Glory,  Hallelujah  I  " 

After  which  the  Button ville  B.  B.  Society  of 
Button ville,  Commonwealth  of  Massachusetts, 
adjourned  till  next  Thursday,  when  I  am  goinp 
again,  if  they  don't  find  out  that  Sally  Squig 

gles  u 

That  horrid 

"  BRICK  "  POMEROY, 


CHAPTER  YL 

BlLtJRIA   BlJLKINS    AND    OUB   COURTSHIP. 

\r» 

iLURIA  was  a  husky  Seraphim,  de 
scended  all  O.  K.  from  ancient  Bui- 
kins,  who  used  to  sit  on  a  mackerel  tub 
in  Deacon  Whezeener's  grocery,  with  his  legs 
crossed,  and  tell  what  a  powerful  delegate  he  was 
when  he  was  a  young  man.  He  was  the  man. 
He  was  the  individual  as  what  had  the  sylph  I 
sparked.  Biluria  was  his  dart.  And  a  nice 
darter  she  were.  She  had  a  mother — a  nice 
lump  of  lean,  who  wore  a  peaked  nose,  a  pair  of 
black  stockings,  knit  springy  at  the  top  to  cave 
gjirterg,  and  for  twenty-five  years  went  about  tho 


Biluria  Bulkins  and  our  Courtship.     4-9 

house  before  going  to  bed,  clad  like  an  angel, 
with  a  fire-shovel  in  one  hand  and  a  tallow-dip 
in  the  other,  looking  to  see  as  how  as  if  that  ere 
dod-demed  cat  had  concluded  to  stay  in  or  to  go 
out.  I  don't  like  cats,  except  in  fiddle-strings. 
Mrs.  Bulkins  was  a  vehement  catist — she  always 
had  more  cats  than  doughnuts  in  the  house. 
Biluria  didn't  hanker  after  cats,  but  then  could 
endure  them.  There  was  one  cat — Mr.  T.  Cat. 
He  was  a  handsome  and  a  feline  rascal.  lie 
devastated  milk-pans,  and  created  funerals  iu 
hen-coop*  About  young  chicken  time,  and  made 
a  telescope  of  his  tail  every  moonlight  night 
on  the  roof  of  the  woodshed,  accompanied  by 
more  cat  and  much  yell.  He  was  the  only  feline 
Biluria  could  endure.  Gushing  Biluria !  She 
used  to  sit  up  nights  when  I  went  to  spark  hei, 
with  that  blessed  c-a-t  in  her  lap,  right  where 
my  head'  ought  to  be,  and  pull  its  little  slender 
whiskers.  Said  I :  "  Biluria,  do  so  by  me ! " 

Said  Biluria :  "  Oh,  your  wiskers  ain't  big  enough 
3 


50     JSiluria  Bulkins  and  our  Courtship. 

to  pull,  yet."  Then  we'd  eat  a  doughnut,  and 
drink  some  cider,  and  look  in  the  fire.  Then 
I'd  listen  to  the  snoring  of  the  two  Bulkinsea 
in  the  setting-room  bedroom,  and  Biluria  would 
sit  and  play  with  the  cat's  tail.  Said  I :  "  Bil 
uria,  do  so ! "  No,  I  didn't  say  so,  neither ;  I 
just  said :  "  Biluria,  if  you  don't  diminish  those 
cat  on  them  floor,  I'll  occupy  thein  lips  for  a 
kiss ! "  And  down  always  went  the  cat,  and  I 
occupied  Biluria,  so  to  speak,  and  kissing  was 
thus  enjoyed.  "Twasnicef"  It  weakens  me 
now  to  think  of  it.  To  turn  one  of  Biluria's 
kisses  over  in  the  store-room  of  .memory  is  no 
fool  of  a  job.  Biluria  had  red  lips,  and  the 
sweetest  ever  investigated.  I  used  to  investigate 
them.  I  was  the  committee  to  do  that  are.  My 
arms  were  my  credentials.  I  used  to  hold  out 
my  credentials.  Skirmish  to  the  front,  throw 
out  my  pickets,  rally  to  the  breastworks  of  affec 
tion,  tie  my  credentials  about  Biluria's  bread 
basket,  and  go  in  radically  for  a  lexer's  kiss. 


Biluria  Bulkms  and  OUT  Coi  ftship.     51 

Oh !  I  guess  not !  Biluria  was  the  sweetest 
kisser  in  the  world,  except  when  she'd  been 
eating  onions.  She  was  a  "Wethersfield  girl — a 
Connecticut  child  of  sorrow — and  oft  did  fill  her 
pancake-trap  with  onions.  At  those  times  the 
nectar  of  love  was  a  little  strong — too  strong 
to  gush  much.  But  at  other  times  'twas  no 
use  talking.  Why,  one  of  her  kisses  would 
last  me  a  week,  if  I  couldn't  get  more !  They 
used  to  gush  out  all  over,  run  down  my  shirt 
bosom  into  my  vest  pocket,  and  solidify  like 
candy.  I  used  to  bite  them  off,  there,  as  from 
little  sticks  of  candy. 

I  could  not  always  be  with  Biluria.  I  had  the 
wood  to  cut,  the  cows  to  fodder,  the  sheep  to 
corn,  the  hens  to  roost,  the  swine  to  feast,  the 
steers  to  chase  away  from  the  wheat-stack,  and 
ae  apples  to  sort,  and  this  kept  me  from  Biluria. 
But  while  I  was  hence  from  her,  she  made  up 
kisses,  ripened  them  on  her  lips,  and  left  them 
hanging  thei'e  for  me  to  pluck.  And  you 


52     JBiluna  Bulking  a/nd  our  Courtship. 

bet    I    was    a   lively   plucklst    on    those    occa 
sions. 

One  time  old  Bulkins  was  took.  He  was  a 
deacon.  He  made  prayers  at  night  over  two 
hours,  long,  and  he  wan't  a  stuttering  man, 
either !  I  was  there.  Biluria  was  there.  The 
old  lady  Bulkins  was  there,  asleep.  Biluria 
took  hold  of  my  hand  with  her  hand,  and  we 
went  to  sleep.  "We  thus  reposed  nigh  onto  two 
hours.  At  last  Bulkins  terminated !  He  had 
consoled  the  old  lady  to  slumber,  and  reposed 
Biluria  and  I.  He  was  thunder-struck  quitely 
when  he  came  to.  He  was  naturally  a  jokist,  so 
from  a  warm  room  he  entered  into  the  outer  air 
for  an  icicle  to  gently  touch  the  old  lady  and 
Biluria  where  my  "love  lies  dreaming."  The 
cold  comfort  he  brought  in  wakened  us,  but  in 
going  out  for  it  he  caught  cold.  The  next  day 
he  wheezed  a  little.  I  wanted  to  try  heave 
medicine,  but  he  wouldn't.  I  saw  he  was  took, 
He  saw  ik  We  all  felt  bad,  for  the  old  Bulkini 


Bulkins  and  our  Courtship.      53 

was  rich,  and  it  is  hard  for  the  rich  to  die  !  The 
old  lady  found  comfort  in  a  black  bottle.  She 
was  a  gin-nine  spiritualist !  Biluria  and  I  found 
consclation,  too.  She  had  lots  of  it — enough  for 
me,  at  all  events  ! 

The  old  man  lingered.  He  was  saving.  He 
didn't  want  to  die  in  the  winter,  for  it  was  more 
expensive  to  open  the  earth,  then.  He  was  near 
sighted,  but  at  last  he  saw  something.  He  re 
marked  but  little.  He  said,  perhaps  we  had  bet 
ter  wed.  He  was  facetious,  even  in  his  agony. 
He  said :  "  My  two  B.'s,  if  it  must  B  so,  let  it  B 
BO,  though  I  don't  see  how  it  can  be.  Send  for 
a  minister,  and  a  mature  almanac."  Bulkins  left 
soon  after.  We  marched  forth  with  him  in 
March.  Mrs.  Bulkins  lingered  and  went  also 
We  inserted  her  by  the  side  of  the  other  Bul 
kins.  One  night  I  felt  a  little  thick,  and  weiit 
to  the  buttery  for  the  gin  bottle!  It  was 
empty!  Who  wouldn't  die  when  the  bottle 
refused  to  respond? 


H     Biluria  Bulkins  and  our  Courtship. 

"  I  would  not  live  always, 
I  would  not  if  I  could ; 
So  I  slung  the  empty  bottle, 
And  put  another  where  it  stood !  ' 

And  thus  I  inherited  Biluria,  and  the  farm, 
and  the  stock,  and  the  old  wagons,  and  the 
fences,  and  the  potato  holes,  and  the  trash  in  the 
barn,  and  the  broad  acres  of  Bulkins,  the  parient 
of  Biluria.  It's  a  good  way  to  amass  wealth. 
Better  than  working  for  it,  and  more  nicer.  And 
now  you  ought  to  see  us.  "We  go  to  church 
every  Sunday.  "We  have  nigh  onto  twenty  little 
Bilurias  and  "  Bricks,"  and  there  is  no  good  rea 
son  why,  in  course  of  time,  we  may  not  have  a 
family  to  rise  up  in  the  morning  and  quarrel 
about  their  shoes  and  stockings,  till  their  blessed 
mother  gives  them  all  a  warm  spot  to  sit  down 
on.  "We  hope,  and  more  too.  I  am  happy  now. 
"We  never  read  newspapers,  for  that  would  be  a 
waste  of  money.  "We  just  go  along  on  the  road 
of  life,  at  a  jig-jog  gait,  and  nothing  troubles  us 


Bttwria  Bulkvns  wid  our  Courtship.     55 

Pin  a  sort  of  easy  delegate.  Biluria  is  the  only 
literary  one  in  the  family.  She  don't  care  much 
to  read  papers  winter  nights,  bnt  is  death  on  old 
almanacs  and  such,  and  I  am  a  happy 

"BRICK"  POMEEOT. 


CHAPTER  YIL 

PlCKEREL-FlSHING    IN    CONNECTICUT. 

!* 

CHRISTMAS  and  Sunday  made  a  joint- 
I  stock  concern  tliis  year,  and  skirmished 
in  together.  "We  saw  them  approach, 
and  retired  in  good  order,  so  as  not  to  embarrass 
them  during  their  "toilight"  hours.  Very  con 
siderate,  of  course  !  Christmas  and  Sunday 
went  out  together.  "We  fear  for  Sunday,  as 
Christmas  is  a  hilarious  chap,  in  honor  of  whose 
birth  all  who  have  the  stamps  get  high.  Selah  ! 

Buck  and  we  took  much  second  dinner  with 
Holcomb,  ye  uproarious,  whose  residence,  on  the 
elevation,  towers  far  above  the  other  towers 


Pickerel-Fisliinq  in  Connecticut.          57 

Then  we  advanced  on  two  bodies  of  .the  enemy, 
well  entrenched.  We  advanced  rapidly,  and 
went  home  before  Christmas  and  Sunday  dis 
solved  their  joint-stock  concern. 

And  in  the  morning  we  awoke.  Hair  felt 
heavy.  So  young,  and  yet  so  fair!  So  light, 
and  yet  no  lightning.  Buck  said  pickerel-fishing 
would  cure  the  hair.  S'pose  Buck  knows.  Who 
knows? 

Advanced  out  of  bed  in  good  order.  Flanked 
a  liberal  breakfast.  Struck  ile  on  our  boots. 
Boy  skirmished  on  a  hardware  store,  and  re 
turned  with  much  fish-lines  and  large  majorities 
of  pickerel-hooks.  We  took  our  pick.  Went  for 
mummy-chubs.  Nice  bait,  those  mummy-chubs. 
Fat  little  fellows  from  the  salt  sea  foam,  with 
much  wiggle.  Captured  many  of  those — at  least 
seven  hundred.  Very  moist  out.  Rain  was  on 
the  fall  muchly.  Made  for  Factory  Pond. 
Buck  carried  two  field-pieces,  loaded.  We  car 
ried  mummy-chubs,  (rot  to  pond.  Nice  pond, 
8* 


68         Pickerel-Fishing  in  Connecticut. 

with  ice  on  its  cold  bosom.  Nice  rain,  but  a 
little  too  wet.  Forgot  the  hooks.  Sent  boy  two 
miles  to  the  rear  for  hooks,  which  came  np  in 
good  order.  Cut  numerous  holes  through  the 
ice — like  perforating  for  petroleum.  Married  the 
hook  to  the  wiggler  mummy-chub,  and  drop 
ped  a  line  to  the  pickerel.  Sat  down  on  the  ice 
to  wait  for  a  bite.  Patience  is  a  good  thing — • 
yery  good  thing.  Saw  Buck  balancing  a  colum- 
hiad  on  his  chin.  "We  skirmished  down  upon 
him  in  time  to  turn  in  for  relief !  Thought  it 
was  "  inducing  "  to  the  pickerel.  Borrowed  one 
of  Buck's  mduoerSj  and  fell  back  to  original 
position.  Very  fine  rain  in  Bridgeport.  Lots  of 
holes  in  the  cerulean  skimmer.  Confound  the 
pickerel.  We  induced  them  in  vain.  Weather 
quite  perspiring.  Buck  gave  up  in  despair.  "We 
maintained,  baited  anew,  and  induced  every  four 
minutes.  Yery  fine  fishing  in  Factory  Pond. 
Rather  too  fine.  How  easy  it  rained  upon  the 
just  as  well  as  the  unjust.  It  was  a  pickerel  01 


Pickerel-Fishing  in  Connecticut.          5S 

two  bottles  of  wine.  So  we  kept  inducing,  but 
in  vain.  At  last  the  glass  columbiad  ceased  to 
chipper!  How  natural  it  is  to  mourn  for  de 
parted  spirits.  Selah  !  Not  another  drop — as 
the  man  said  after  he  was  hung.  The  rain  fell 
through,  but  who  cares  ?  The  little  fat  wiggling 
mummy-chubs  floated  in  the  tin  pail — a  pail  full 
of  triumphant  glee  of  most  of  fish's  character. 
But  not  a  pickerel.  Four  long  hours  sitting  on 
the  cold  dampness.  It  was  worse  nor  sparking. 
Nary  a  bite,  nary  a  pickerel ;  but  one  sucker 
was  taken  in ! 

We  returned  in  good  order.  Got  home  at 
four  o'clock,  hungry  and  dry — considering  the 
weather.  Buck  wanted  the  wine — we  had  it 
Went  to  room.  Felt  chilly.  Raw  air  is  rasping 
on  fine  blood.  Drew  table  beside  hot  coal  stove. 
Drew  chair  up  to  table.  Pulled  a  wooden  thing 
hitched  to  a  wire.  Thought  it  was  a  fish-line ! 
Was  fun,  so  we  pulled  again.  Man  came  up 
Went  down.  Came  again.  Left  a  glass  swan, 


60         Pickerel- Fishing  in  Connecticut. 

with  long  neck  but  with  good  body.  Hot  \vatef 
and  lumps  of  sugar.  The  house  grew  quiet.  *  * 
It  grows  quieter.  The  fluid  evaporeth  from 
the  transparent  prison.  The  bell-rope  dances  a 
jig — mummy-chub  at  other  end  of  it !  Very  fine 
weather.  Warm  weather.  Boots  come  off  hard. 
Some  fellow's  head  feels  buzzy.  Hair  aches. 
The  ink-stand  ain't  on  the  stand — it  won't  stand 
still  two  consecutive  seconds.  Four  holes  in  that 
ink-stand.  The  pen  has  split  itself  into  two 
pens.  The  lines  on  this  paper  run  to  skirmish 
with  each  other.  The  lamp  looks  like  a  new 
moon.  The  stove  danceth  a  jig  to  invisible 
music.  Fine  day  for  spirits.  Big  day  for 
pickerel.  Good  pickerel — no  danger  fishing  for 
'em — they  worft  bite  anybody!  Honest  pick- 
ereler!  Wouldn't  hook  one  for  the  world. 
Darned  pen  is  sick.  Tried  to  induce  it  to  write. 
Used  up  all  the  rye  cider  inducing.  Good  pen — • 
fine  holder,  but  can't  hold-er  steady.  .  Nice  place 
to  fish  in  is  Factory  Pond.  Can  fieh  there  al] 


Pickerel-fishing  in  Connecticut.          61 

day,  just  as  easy !  "We  see  lots  of  fish  now.  Se<» 
eels  in  our  boots.  Nice  eels,  but  very  lively 
Nice  boots,  with  eels  on  'em.  The  eminent 
chanticleer  who  ruled  this  paper  must  have  been 
cross-eyed,  for  hang  us  if  the  parallels  run 
straight.  One  more  enemy  in  those  glass  con 
cern.  It  concerns  us.  Spirited  enemy.  Come 
rest  in  this  chest !  It  resteth  muchly.  Hurrah 
for  pickerel !  New  England  pickerel !  They 
must  have  been  on  a  bust  to-day.  How  small 
the  bottles  are  since  this  cruel  war  is  over,  no 
Irish  need  apply.  Wish  those  bell  rope  would 
waltz  up  this  way.  "Would  go  and  yank  it,  but 
don't  feel  well.  Then,  we  are  no  Yankee. 
Tried  to  reach  it.  Can't  do  it.  Nice  bell  rope. 
Little  too  wild  for  steady  use.  Nice  country  for 
game,  when  rats  run  up  a  man's  limbs,  and  eels 
crawl  in  his  boots  for  the  rest — the  rest,  ze  rest — 
z'rest!  Wonder  of  z'sem  pickerelzes  ever  bite 
za'selves?  Mus'  be,  for  za  won't  bite  us,  an  we 
induced  z'sem  with  muchness.  Three  cheers  fo* 


62         Pickers-Fishing  in  Connecticut. 

fi — fi  any  man — any  Dick-er-in-son  or  any  othei 
man.  "  Darn  z'at  bell-rope — it  ain't  in  z'e  right 
posi — po — pozizhun !  Connecticut  fisherel  pick' 
ing  z'ra  umburg  an'  z'o  zot  bell  er'  ope! 


CHAPTEE  VIII. 


B-O-8-T-0-N-! 


BOSTON  is  the  cradle  of  Lib !  The  piace 
where  Mr.  Warren  fell  and  hurt  him 
self.  The  place  where  "Wendell  Phil 
lips,  the  "  silver-tongued  "  orator,  doth  abide.  It 
is  the  "  hub  of  the  universe,"  and  the  dwelling- 
place  of  the  big  organ.  Boston  thinks  she  is  the 
largest  place  in  this  world — or  the  next.  Boston 
is  a  very  complacent  burg.  We  rather  like  Bos 
ton,  for  there  is  no  village  like  unto  it,  from  the 
fiddling  of  Nero  to  the  Kevelation  of  St.  John, 
N.  B.! 

Half  way  between  Providence  and   Boston — 


64  B-o-s-t-o-n-! 

for  Boston  is  a  long  ways  from  Providence — as 
we  were  riding  in  a  car,  a  still  small  voice,  like 
the  whistle  of  an  engine,  broke  upon  the  air.  A 
gentleman  in  the  seat  with  us  uncovered  his 
bald  head,  and,  with  a  smile,  bade  us  listen ! 
"  What's  that  ? "  said  we. 

"  The  big  organ  in  Boston ! "  said  he,  with  a 
foneralic  wave  of  his  hand. 

"  The  devil ! "  said  we. 

"Thou  shalt  not  profane!"  said  the  spokes 
man  from  the  hub. 

"  Hast  been  to  Boston  ? "  asked  he  of  the  silver 
tongue. 

"  We  hast  notist,"  replied  we,  then  there  to 
him. 

He  looked — "  poor  heathen  ! "  He  said  we 
must  visit  the  Cradle  of  Liberty.  We  asked 
him  if  Fred  Douglass  and  Anna  Dickinson  had 
engaged  that  cradle  yet  ?  He  didn't  see  it !  He 
Baid  we  must  visit  Faneuil  Hall.  We  asked  him 
what  nigger  troupe  was  performing  there  now  I 


65 

He  looked  bewildered.  Then  lie  said  we  must 
see  where  Warren  fell.  We  asked  him  if  War 
ren  ever  got  over  it — the  place  where  he  fell. 
He  appeared  demoralized.  He  said  we  must 
hear  the  big  organ  before  we  left  Boston. 

We  went  to  hear  the  big  organ.  It  is  held 
in  several  buildings.  It  is  one  size  larger  than 
Boston. 

Boston  is  the  hub  around  which  the  organ 
revolves. 

The  organ  is  a  revolver. 

Like  the  organ,  this  is  a  big  play  on  words. 

People  in  New  York  and  Buffalo  hear  the 
moan  of  the  sea.  The  moan  is  the  big  or 
gan, 

It  is  used  in  mass ! 

It  has  a  sort  of  long  island  sound ! 

Boston  people  go  to  Heaven  through  the  big 
organ. 

That  is,  when  the  nigger  is  out,  so  they  cannot 
go  through  him. 


66  B-o-s-t-o^n-! 

There  are  but  few  gambling-houses  in  Boston 
No  such  felloes  are  around  that  hub. 

They  don't  play  "  straits  "  in  Boston — not  ir, 
the  streets. 

Harvard  College  is  just  beyond  reach  of  the 
big  organ. 

Cambridge  University  is  always  in  session.  It 
is  a  law  school.  The  pleading  is  done  at  the  bar 
of  the  Parker  House. 

The  studies  at  Cambridge  are  said  to  be  very 
dry.  They  affect  the  pupils.  Pleading  at  the 
bar  affects  them,  likewise — or  more  like  than 
wise. 

No  one  ever  gets  lost  in  Boston.  The  city  is 
BO  well  organ-ized..  Like  the  big  organ,  Boston 
has  numerous  stops !  Some  of  the  streets  are 
nearly  as  long  as  a  fish-pole ;  but  not  so  long  as 
a  Johnson  veto  message.  If  a  man  don't  like 
one  street  in  Boston,  it  is  easy  to  get  on  another 
one. 

After  four  days'  trial  we  could  go  from  the 


B-o-8-t-o-n-!  67 

House  to  the  City  Hall  without  getting 
It  et !  This  is  a  fact.  And  in  fire  days  we 
learned  the  route  from  Scollay's  Building  to 
Engine  House  "No.  4. 

The  business  blocks  in  Boston  are  in  shape 
like  Norwegian  shoes ! 

The  streets  of  Boston  are  like  hop-poles  struck 
by  lightning.  Some  of  them  are  so  wide  that  a 
cow  could  be  milked  in  them  by  turning  her  on 
her  back,  and  sitting  astride  her  brisket. 

Small  horses  are  driven  abreast — large  horses 
tandem — in  Boston.  The  fat  woman  was  exhib 
ited  there  once  —  in  the  big  organ.  Boston 
streets  are  not  so  crooked  as  they  might  be.  The 
sun  has  warped  them  straight.  Very  clean  in 
Boston.  If  a  lady  drops  a  pin  from  her  clothes, 
policeman  makes  her  pick  it  up.  If  a  man  shoots 
an  apple  seed  out  of  a  grocery,  he  is  fined.  Bos 
ton  is  very  neat — especially  near  the  big  organ 
and  cradle  oC  liberty  If  a  man  drops  a  remark, 
he  is  mt>.d'  "o  pick  it  up.  And  Boston  people 


68 

are  so  modest.  They  under-rate  themsel  res  ten 
ribly. 

The  streets  of  Boston  must  have  been  thrown 
in  at  the  time  of  some  big  fire — they  are  so 
regular.  If  you  would  find  any  place,  start  in 
an  opposite  direction.  If  you  see  a  policeman 
coming  towards  you,  he  is  going  the  other  way. 
If  he  runs  from  you  he'll  be  where  you  are  in 
no  time.  Up  hill  is  down,  and  "  over  there  " 
is  "back  here." 

One  day  we  started  from  the  office  of  the 
Boston  Post  to  the  Boston  post-office,  seventy 
feet  distant.  We  walked  straight  ahead — went 
around  seven  blocks — saw  a  policeman  standing 
in  a  door-way  on  each  block — asked  each  one 
the  route  to  the  post-office.  Saw  the  eighth 
policeman,  asked  him  politely.  Said  he,  ' '  Look 
here,  this  is  the  eighth  time  you've  asked  me 
that  question !  Move  on,  or  up  you  go ! v 

Thought  the  policemen  must  be  brothers — 
they  looked  so  much  alike!  Ruthor  than  gt» 


B-o-s-fro-n-f  68 

around  the  block  again  we  went  t'other  way; 
began  to  unwind,  and  got  into  the  post-office 
by  mistake.  The  front  of  a  building  is  inside— 
in  the  courts. 

Except  the  big  organ  and  the  cradle  ! 

Ben.  JButler  spoke,  while  we  were  there,  on 
the  restoration  policy. 

"Went  to  his  meeting,  expecting  to  see  him 
giving  back  silver-ware  and  other  valuables. 
Was  mistaken.  That  kind  of  restoration  wasn't 


Souse  rents  are  cheap  in  Boston.  Moving  ia 
c)-  japer  than  house  rent.  It's  all  owing  to  the 
hi  .b,  the  big  organ,  and  the  cradle. 

There  is  no  drinking  in  Boston.  No  peculiar 
female  characters.  What  is  common  is  not  pe 
culiar. 

JSTew  Bedford  is  to  be  moved  into  Boston 
soon.  By  legislative  enactment,  the  mumps  are 
to  he  confined  to  Democrats  —  the  cholera  is  to 
trouble  only  foreigners  —  the  chicken-pox  is  to 


70  B-o-s-t-o-n-l 

be  confined  to  old  hens — niggers  are  to  have 
straight  hair  to  disgrace  them — and  the  whites 
are  to  have  curly  wool  on  their  cranimns  to 
make  them  popular  in  Boston.  Not  forgetting 
the  big  organ  and  the  cradle  of  liberty ! 

New  York  is  in  the  watch-fob,  the  South  in 
the  breeches  pocket,  and  the  West  buttons  on 
the  tail  of  the  coat  of  Boston. 

The  sun  rises  in  Boston.  The  final  conflagra 
tion  of  mundane  things  will  begin  in  Boston,  on 
account  of  the  big  organ  and  the  cradle !  Bos 
ton  would  have  been  laid  out  more  regularly  if 
the  dogs  of  olden  times  had  been  pointers,  or  the 
cows  had  walked  in  more  direct  paths.  There 
fore  we  may  see  many  calves  in  Boston.  So 
much  for  tilting  hoops ! 

A  good  place  to  move  from — if  one  moves 
early. 

From  the  cradle  to  the  big  organ, 
Crookedly, 

"  POMEROT. 


CHAPTEE  IX. 

HOW    I    LOST   AURELIA. 

still,  fond  heart  and  sich,  ye're  think  in' 
on  her  now !  In  a  little  box,  this  morn- 
ing,  old  and  blood-stained  as  'twere 
by  time,  beside  an  old  Testament,  a  slate  pencil, 
and  a  little  brass  finger-ring,  I  found  a  tin  top 
and  wooden-bottom  button,  of  the  real  old  sort. 
Thirty  years  since  I  slung  those  buttons  into 
them  box,  with  a  sigh  of  great  size. 

I  was  Oorn  at  an  early  exclamation  point  of 
life,  of  poor  but  wealthy  parents,  and  grew  up 
to  boy's  estate  on  such  food  of  love  as  mush  and 
milk,  pork  and  beans  (subdued  by  caloric) 


72  How  1  lost  Aurelia. 

chicken  pot-pies,  harvest  apples,  young  milk- 
not  intoxicable — and  dreams.  Dreams  sustained 
me  through  the  night,  while  the  tall  pines  roar 
ing  without  taught  me  to  pine  for  some  one — 
while  the  butter-nut  tree  across  the  road,  dan 
dling  imaginary  babies  in  the  air,  with  its  long 
limbs  or  arms,  told  me  plain  as  tree  could  talk 
that  I'd  butternot  live  always  without  some  one 
to  dandle,  and  et  cetery ! 

Yes !  And  so  I  loved,  but  knew  it  not !  With 
my  pants  on  the  floor,  my  jacket  thrown  on  the 
foot  of  the  bed,  my  hat  safely  hove  into  a  cor 
ner  of  my  bedroom,  how  I  dreamed  the  happy 
hours  away  till  milking  time.  Ah,  me !  I  was 
happy  then,  but  not  old  enough  to  know  it ! 

And  I  loved.  Start  not,  gentle  reader;  but 
tliis  is  a  fact.  Aurelia  Tillinghast  was  the 
rose  I  hummed  around.  She  was  three  sum 
mers  and  somewhere  near  four  winters  older 
than  I  was  at  that  time.  But  I  caught  up 
with  her!  She  afterward  married,  and  grew 


How  1  lost  Aurelia.  73 

young  soon  after,  and  then  1  got  the  start  ol 
her.  She  had-  a  father  at  the  time  I  loved 
her,  and  before,  too,  for  all  I  know.  I  said 
she  was  older.  So  she  was.  She  was  born 
of  poor  but  wealthy  parents  ;  but  the  poor  pre 
dominated  to  a  severe  muchness.  She  was 
part  French — from  Dublin.  She  was  large. 
There  was  no  other  girl  on  the  creek.  Oh! 
I  loved  her  as  the  deep  blue  tree  loves  the 
morning  air;  as  the  trout  loves  the  briny 
deep;  as  the  dog  loves  its  midnight  bark; 
as  the  infants 

On  their  mother's  knee 
Drink  and  love  their  catnip  tea, 
So  I  did  love  my  Au-ril-ye! 
The  only  child  of  Tillinghas— t 

And  his  wife!  My  folks  said  it  -was  wrong; 
but  love  knew  better.  It  wasn't  much  of  a 
catch  for  either  of  us;  but  'twas  the  best  we 
could  do!  My  folks  didn't  favor  the  alliance. 
Aurelia's  derivatives,  seeing  in  my  little  gait, 

4 


74  How  I  lost  Aurelia. 

in  my  sparkling  eyes,  light  hair,  an!  love  for 
Bass,  much  to  admire,  as  it  betokened  genius, 
was  willing. 

So  I  used  to  run  away,  five  miles  through  the 
woods,  to  see  her  who  was  so  dear  to  me.  And 
she  used  to  fix  up.  I  went  six  nights  in  the 
week.  Every  night  Aurelia  did  wash  her  feet, 
and  slip  on  her  cowhide  slippers.  They  looked 
red  like,  but  'twas  all  right,  for  pride  is  abom 
inable.  And  being  economical,  Aurelia  did  not 
wear  hose.  Nature  unadorned  is  adorned  the 
most.  And  her  hair!  A  very  gentle  mauve, 
without  spot  or  blemish.  Pure  as  the  life  of 
John  Brown,  straight  as  the  mountain  ash ! 
Her  face  was — well  it  was  all  face — and  her 
breath  was  like  new-blown  hay.  Ah,  how  I  lo\  ed 
her ;  who  could  help  it !  There  was  no  more  Au- 
relias  within  sixteen  miles,  for  honest  men  with 
little  girls  in  their  families  had  not  discovered 
the  beauties  of  our  woodland  place  of  residence ! 

Aurelia's  father  liked    the  idea  of   wedlock 


Kow  1  lost  Aurelta.  75 

concerning  us.  Aurelia  had  experienced  twenty- 
two  seasons  of  severe  existence.  Her  fathet 
was  a  primitive  artist,  and  played  the  march  of 
civilization  on  the  rnonarchs  of  the  forest.  Ho 
reaped  the  rich  reward  of  twelve  dollars  a  month 
and  board  for  this  pastime.  My  derivative  was 
his  employer.  Hence  the  position !  Anrelia 
had  much  appetite,  and  was  expensive  in  this 
branch  of  education.  Hence  the  desire.  Dry" 
goods  were  expensive,  and  Aurelia's  father  being 
like  his  daughter,  a  little  fat,  had  great  difficulty 
in  making  both  ends  meet.  Hence  the  ambition 
of  the  Tillinghasts. 

My  father  was  more  wealthier.  He  could 
brandish  a  watch  on  the  Sabbath,  flung  from  a 
genuine  silk  cord.  And  he  had  a  Baliu  vest,  sev 
enteen  years  old.  And  he  had  &  pair  of  boots 
for  Sabbath  wear.  And  one  griddle  of  the  stove 
was  always  removed  to  furnish  the  wherewithal 
to  polish  those  boots.  I  had  to  polish  them 
Hence  my  polish  air  and  polished  manner. 


76  Hwo  I  lost  A  urelta. 

Every  Sunday,  at  two  o'clock,  the  stage  came 
into  the  settlement  seven  miles  up  the  creek. 
There  were  two  horses  to  that  stage,  and  at  least 
once  a  month  it  had  a  passenger.  Once  it  had 
two  passengers — a  man  and  dog.  The  man  rode 
on  the  seat  with  the  driver ;  the  dog  ran  behind. 
That  was  a  big  day  for  Seely  Creek.  My  father 
often  spoke  of  it.  He  had  been  to  the  settlement 
every  Sunday  for  four  years.  He  was  sick  one 
day.  'Twas  on  that  day  the  stage  had  two  pas 
sengers.  Father  said  it  was  just  his  luck.  The 
people  there  talked  about  the  stage  for  a  long 
time.  It  waited  an  hour  till  father  could  arrive, 
but  he  didn't  come.  He  was  sick.  He  heard  of 
it,  and  felt  bad,  but  all  the  neighbors  told  him  of 
it.  And  Tillinghast  always  went  to  the  settle 
ment  with  him.  They  used  to  talk  about  my 
marriage  with  Aurelia.  Tillinghast  went  to  the 
settlement  that  Sunday,  as  usual,  and  he,  a  poorer 
man  than  my  father,  saw  the  stage  come  in ! 
My  father  did  not  see  the  stage  come  in,  and  the 


How  Host  Aurelia.  77 

idea  that  Tillinghast  did  see  it,  created  a  coolnesa 
between  them  (even  in  July)  they  did  not  get 
over  till  January. 

My  father  was  a  proud  man — as  he  should 
have  been,  having  such  a  son.  So  he  told  Til 
linghast  the  match  should  be  broken  off.  My 
father  was  a  tall  man,  six  feet  four.  Tillinghast 
was  a  little  fat  cuss,  four  feet  six.  They  used  to 
look  up  and  down  at  each  other.  And  that  waa 
the  long  and  the  short  of  it.  The  proposed  wed 
lock  was  delayed.  Tillinghast  made  offers.  He 
offered  to  settle  lots  of  property  on  his  daughter. 
He,  too,  was  proud,  and  eager  for  the  fray — so  to 
speak.  I  was  tall,  like  my  masculine  derivative. 
Aurelia,  like  a  dutiful  girl,  patterned  after  her 
papa.  Filial  affection  is  commendable,  so  I 
commendabled  Aurelia.  And  everybody  wants 
to  marry  in  a  high  family. 

But  the  stage  affair  darned  the  stream  of 
neighborly  affection  existing  between  our  pater- 
nals.  Tillinghast  was  to  blame — he  said  so.  He 


78  How  I  lost  Aurelia. 

offered  to  give  Aurelia,  on  her  wedding,  a  skillet 
without  a  handle;  a  half-dozen  new  sap  troughs; 
a  pair  of  red  stockings,  which  should  come  to 
within  an  inch  of  her  dress ;  a  new  splint  broom ; 
a  wooden  pancake  turner,  made  out  of  water- 
beech,  so  that  its  natural  limber  would  flap  the 
cakes  nicely ;  a  top-knot  hen ;  a  wooden  scoop- 
Bhovel,  in  which  to  take  up  dirt  from  the 
kitchen ;  a  pair  of  his  old  pants  to  begin  a  rag 
carpet  with,  and  a  new  fine-comb,  left  there  by 
a  pedler  the  year  before  in  payment  for  supper, 
lodging,  and  breakfast  for  himself,  horse,  and 
wagon  1 

Father  consented,  and  how  happy  I  was ! 
Hastened  I  to  Aurelia  and  told  her  the  news. 
We  two  turtle-doves  sat  on  the  edge  of  the 
spring,  and  paddled  our  feet  in  its  limpid  waters 
by  moonlight,  for  hours.  I  never  had  kissed  her 
before,  for  it  is  wrong  to  kiss  girls — before  you 
Kiss  them!  But  that  night,  how  I  went  for 
kisses.  We  smacked  and  smacked,  till  the  owl? 


How  I  lost  Awrelia.  79 

hooted  in  fear.  And  I  hugged  Aurelia  ever  so 
muchly.  We  slipped  into  the  spring,  and  hug 
ged  each  other  then ;  that  was  the  first  Aurelia 
ever  knew  of  a  waterfall ;  but  it  didn't  make 
her  proud. 

*  At  last  a  new  stage- 

route  was  put  on.  It  led  by  Aurelia's  house. 
Her  father's  house  did  not  have  many  mansions, 
but  it  was  enlarged  and  made  a  stage  house. 
And  the  stage  stopped  there  over  night.  And 
that  accomplished  stage-driver  was  a  mean  cuss ! 
I  thought  it  then  ;  I  think  it  now.  He  was  not 
handsome,  like  myself ;  but  lordy,  how  he  could 
crack  a  whip  1  Early  in  the  morning  he  would 
get  on  a  stump  by  the  barn  and  snap  that  long 
whip  till  the  hens  and  roosters  would  cackle  for 
two  hours!  Aurelia's  parents  thought  'twas  I 
kissin'  Aurelia,  but  'twan't ! 

And  all  this  a  heavy  novelty  was  to  that  sweet 
little  one.  She  had  never  experienced  so  much 
happiness  previous.  It  was  a  new  thing.  Like 


80  How  I  lost  AureUa. 

some  other  people,  new  things  proved  to  le  Let 
best  game!  And  the  whipper-snapper  of  a 
stage  driver  brought  her  candy  all  the  way 
from  Elmira,  then  called  by  the  name  of  'New- 
town.  And  he  did  keep  his  hair  greased !  And 
essence  of  cinnamon  brought  he  for  those 
mauve-complexioned  tresses,  and  essence  of 
peppermint  for  her  breath.  He  was  an  extrav 
agant  stagist !  And  it  was  by  thus  the  serpent 
of  that  gay  fellow's  love  stole  into  my  temple, 
I  thought  him  all-fired  humbly.  I  often  in 
formed  Aurelia  to  this  end,  but  she  could  not 
discern  it.  He  used  to  kiss  her,  and  hug  her, 
and  I  knew  it.  And  she  liked  it !  But  what 
could  I  do?  Aurelia  was  the  first  born!  I 
bought  a  whip,  and  had  a  big  snapper  put  on  it, 
and  nearly  cut  my  ears  off  in  the  endeavor  to 
crack  it  as  fiercely  as  did  Jehiel,  for  that  was 
his  name.  But  'twas  no  use;  the  bnsineea 
was  new,  the  snapper  wouldn't  snap,  and  Jehid 
beat  me ! 


Hmo  1  lost  Aurelia.  81 

The  night  we  sat  on  the  edge  of  the  spring 
and  hugged  ourselves  into  it,  I  wanted  to  be 
liberal  I  had  nothing,  so  I  gave  Amelia  a 
button  from  my  trowserloons.  I  had  no  knife 
to  cut  it  off,  so  Aurelia  chawed  it  off.  And  I 
took  some  of  her  hair,  made  a  little  string  from 
it,  and  hung  it  around  her  neck.  It  was  a 
charm  with  Aurelia's  charms.  She  wore  it 
near  her  heart.  I  was  happy  when  she  wore 
it,  and  often  wished  I  was  a  little  button  with 
a  tin  top  and  wooden  bottom,  so  I  could  hang 
around  Aurelia's  neck. 

When  the  stage  stopped  at  Tillinghast's  he 
spruced  up.  He  had  my  father  then  where  the 
hair  was  short,  and  their  affection  took  another 
cold.  My  father  took  a  rheumatism  in  Ma 
limbs,  and  couldn't  walk  to  the  settlement,  as 
he  once  could,  to  see  the  stage  come  in.  So  he 
went  to  walk  down  to  the  corner  where  Aurelia 
:ved,  to  see  it  come  in.  Seeing  stage  co>«»e  in 


82  How  I  lost  AureUa. 

was  one  of  his  best  holts.  And  he  used  to  ad 
mire  Jehiel,  who  was  the  greatest  whip-snappei 
in  that  county.  He  took  pride  in  it.  I  grew 
to  hate  my  father  because  he  spoke  well  of 
Jehiel.  Not  of  him,  but  of  his  whip-snapping. 
I  felt  bad  and  out  in  the  hemlock  pined  to  a 
shadow. 

One  day  father  come  home. 
He  handed  me  something  tied  up  in  a  little 
piece  of  dirty  cloth.  I  opened  it.  It  was  the 
button  now  before  me.  A  simple  button,  but 
it  did  a  tale  unfold  which  rang  in  my  ears 
worse  than  ever  did  Jehiel's  whip!  It  bore 
the  marks  of  Aurelia's  teeth,  where  once,  in 
maiden  meditation,  she  had  squoze  a  tooth  in 
it,  while  chawitig  it  off!  It  was  a  simple  tin 
top  wooden-bottom  button,  but  I  hated  it,  and 
stamped  it  to  the  earth.  Four  little  tears  stood 
in  the  eyes  of  the  button  as  it  lay  pressed  in 
tho  moist  earth.  I  took  it  up  carefully,  and 


How  I  lost  Aurelia.  83 

laid  it  away,  as  I  would  Aurelia,  and  it  has 
never  been  looked  at  till  now.  And  1  grew 
up  to  be 

"  POMEROT. 


P.  S.  —  Aurelia  got   married,  and  her  Jehid 
is  still  stage-driving.  "  B."  P. 


CHAPTER   X. 
THE   Doo-GoNDEST  Doo. 


the  dorg!  There  goes  a  three-by- 
five  feet  pane  of  plate-glass  out  of  a 
door,  and  there  goes  the  cussedest  and 
wussedest  piece  of  excitable  canine  we  ever 
saw!  Four  years  ago,  the  day  after  a  chap 
on  the  cars  had  the  upper  end  of  his  snoot 
punched  for  calling  us  a  traitor,  Po.  Hatcher 
gave  us  that  red  and  brindle  batch  of  dog,  then 
done  up  small  like,  but  looking  so  bull-dogish 
that  we  were  afraid  of  his  picture  for  a  week  1 
Po.  said  he  was  an  Alabama  bull-dog,  im 


The  Dog-Gondest  Dog.  85 

ported  from  New  Jersey  in  a  basket,  as  a 
sample  of  the  handsome  of  that  country.  But 
he  was  a  pretty  purp.  His  tail  was  no  longel 
than  a  wicked  man's  prayer,  and  was  full  aa 
etunin' !  .And  those  ears !  They  looked  like 
a  small  corner  of  plug  tobacco!  And  such 
eyes !  And  such  eyebrows !  When  he  was  but  a 
child,  so-called,  some  monster  must  have  slung 
him  head-first  against  a  stone  wall!  His  jaws 
were  pretty  jaws.  They  were  so  severe  in 
their  angles.  There  was  so  much  jaw  in  pro 
portion  to  the  purp,  that  we  wanted  to  call 
him  Swisshelm ;  but  he  wan't  that  kind  of  a 
pet!  But  he  was  nigh  onto  all  jaw! 

We  kept  him  four  weeks  in  the  sanctum, 
and  all  that  time  hired  a  nigger  to  watch  him. 
He'd  steal — steal  is  no  name  for  it!  And  he 
kept  that  nigger  mighty  busy  watching  him, 
till  at  last  tlfe  nigger,  being  such  a  smart,  mim- 
icky,  education  able  cuss,  got  so  much  worse 
nor  the  dog,  that  we  kept  the  dog  to  watch 


86  The  Dog-Gondest  Dog. 

the   nigger!       Egad,    wan't    it    a    full    team! 
Strange  how  niggers  will  learn   things! 

And  he  was  the  hungriest  dog  we  ever  saw  I 
A  pennyworth  of  beef  didn't  last  him  as  long 
as  a  ten-dollar  bill  would  a  Democrat  the  night 
before  election.  He  had  a  fine  voice  for  beef. 
And  what  the  dog  would  not  eat,  the  nigger 
would !  And  the  dog  grew  large,  and  ponderous 
about  the  jaws.  He  used  to  eat  paper,  books, 
mats,  vests,  old  hats,  gloves,  patent-leather  boots, 
window  curtains,  and  sich.  He  ate  such  stuff  for 
dessert.  That  dog  ate  a  full  calf-bound  set  of 
Harper's  "Weekly  one  day,  just  on  account  of  the 
calf.  And  he  ate  ten  copies  of  the  Chicago  Tri 
bune  one  day,  but  the  lie  in  them  papers  made 
him  so  dog-goned  sick  all  that  week  that  he 
would  have  died  if  the  nigger  in  'em  hadn't 
emeticked  'em  out,  and  so  he  got  well !  But  he 
never  pined  himself  to  a  shadow  hankering  after 
Republican  newspapers  any  more.  And  he  kept 
on  stealing,  "We  always  thought  them  Republi 


The  Dog-Gondest  Dog.  87 

can  newspapers  aided  the  development  of  that 
complaint,  for  he  was  sure  to  steal  all  the  nigger 
earned  for  us. 

He'd  walk  out  on  a  rainy  day  for  his  health, 
and  always  came  back  with  something  he'd 
found.  Once  it  was  a  lady's  veil.  Then  it  was 
half  a  ham,  with  a  butcher-knife  sticking  in  it. 
What  he  wanted  to  bring  the  knife  with  him 
for  is  more  than  we  know,  unless  he  had  to  cut 
and  run  !  One  day  he  came  in  with  a  baby'a 
cradle.  There  was  some  blood  on  the  edge  of 
it,  and  all  that  afternoon  the  bell-man  was  out 
ringing  a  bell  and  yelling,  "Boy  lost!"  John 
Brown  didn't  go  out  for  two  or  three  days ! 

Once  he  came  in  with  a  wooden  leg  in  his 
teeth.  That  night  a  wooden-legged  soldier  was 
missing ;  but  as  crippled  soldiers  were  of  no  ac 
count,  he  didn't  try  to  keep  shy  a  bit.  He 
brought  us  the  leg,  no  doubt  thinking  it  the 
kind  of  club  we  like  for  the  La  Crosse  DEMO 
CRAT.  A.nd  he  used  to  steal  money!  He'd  go 


88  The  Dog-Gondest  Dog. 

into  a  store  and  snatch  greenbacks  oat  of  a  cash 
drawer,  just  as  handy  ! 

One  day  he  came  in  with  a  contribution  box 
he'd  stolen  from  the  entry- way  of  a  close  com 
munion  church.  He  carried  the  box  behind  the 
end  of  the  sideboard,  broke  it  open — and  looked 
sick> !  John  Brown  never  stole  a  contribution 
box  again ;  and  after  that,  when  we'd  point  to 
that  box,  and  smile,  he'd  drop  his  tail — what 
there  was  of  it — and  look  mean  enough.  And 
he'd  steal  halters,  bridles,  saddles,  and  such  stuff. 
And  as  he  grew  older,  he'd  actually  unhitch  a 
horse  and  lead  him  across  the  line  into  Minne 
sota.  When  any  one  would  call  out,  "  John 
Brown,"  he'd  go  for  a  horse,  sure.  And  so  we 
had  to  change  his  name. 

What  to  call  the  cuss  we  didn't  know.  But 
as  he  had  chawed  up  so  many  books,  and  was 
al  \vays  meddling  with  what  was  none  of  his 
business,  and  grew  to  be  sort  of  dogmatic,  and 
radical  about  his  bloody  jaws,  we  left  off  calling 


The  Dog-  Go.idest  Dog. 

him  John  Brown,  and  called  him  Sumner. 
a  whLe  he  seemed  to  like  .t.  He  was  a  ambi 
tious  dorg,  and  to  keep  his  name  good,  meddled 
with  so  much  that  was  none  of  his  business 
that  at  last  he  got  a  dog-goned  caning,  which  so 
affected  his  backbone  that  we  had  to  send  for 
Anna  Dickinson.  After  she  strengthened  up  hig 
Bpinal  vertebrae,  he  howled  and  ranted  around 
so  we  had  to  change  his  name  again. 

So  well  called  him  Curtiss.  And  that  seemed 
to  please  him  mightily.  He'd  stand  on  his  hind 
legs  before  a  glass,  poke  the  hair  out  of  his  eyes, 
and  when  he  went  out  doors  he  strutted  about  a3 
though  he  was  going  to  fight  a  Pea  Ridge  bat 
tle  !  And  what  notice  he'd  take  of  mules  !  He 
fell  in  love  with  mules !  He  became  enamored  of 
mules,  and  often  would  lead  them  to  the  out 
skirts  of  the  city  and  hide  them  in  the  bushes. 
And  he  grew  into  such  a  taste  for  cotton.  Never 
Baw  a  dog  so  fond  of  cotton.  In  fact,  he  had  such 
a  love  for  cotton  that  'twan't  safe  to  let  hiir 


90  The  Dog-Gondest  Dog. 

walk  en  the  street,  nor  stay  in  the  sanctum,  not 
go  to  any  place,  so  we  called  him  Sigel.  Thnl 
bothered  him.  He  had  a  tough  time  of  it.  Gra 
cious,  how  he'd  twist  his  jaws  and  bark !  And 
he  loved  to  get  into  a  dog  fight,  too.  He'd  whip 
any  dog  in  the  city.  But  it  took  so  long  to  get 
him  in  a  fight,  that  he  was  useless.  Tou  seo 
when  we  wanted  him  to  fight  one  dog,  we'd  set 
him  to  fight  another  one,  and  then  he'd  back 
into  the  t'other  one,  then  fight  his  way  out! 
But  it  took  so  long  to  learn  his  style ;  and  then 
'twan't  always  convenient  to  get  up  two  fights, 
EC  we  changed  his  name  again. 

He  grew  beautiful  each  day.  In  fact,  he  waa 
a  handsome  cuss !  And  folks  took  so  much 
notice  of  him  he  forgot  he  was  nothing  but  a 
poor  dog,  and  he  acted  so  that  we  thought  best 
to  call  him  Butler. 

You  never  saw  such  a  change  come  over  a 
dog.  He  grew  cunninger  and  cunninger  every 
day.  He'd  go  to  butcher  shops,  rub  his  paws  OB 


The  Dog-Oondest  Dog.  91 

the  carcass  :>f  a  dead  beef,  and  come  home  to 
make  us  be.ieve  he'd  been  fighting.  And  as  he 
growled  so  when  he  came,  and  never  had  any 
cuts  or  wounds  on  him,  we  thought  he  was  get 
ting  to  be  terribly  brave.  But  at  last  we  found 
him  out.  And  how  that  dog  would  strut !  And 
he  grew  mean.  He'd  drive  small  dogs  away 
from  their  bones,  and  got  to  chasing  kittens  to 
some  point  out  of  harm's  way.  And  he'd  snap 
and  snarl  at  women — always  insulting  them. 
And  he  had  half-a-dozen  pups  he'd  picked  up 
around  the  city,  as  mean  but  not  as  smart  as  he ; 
and  these  pups  would  chase  poor  girls  into  some 
corner  where  he  would  scowl,  bark  at,  and  then, 
after  rubbing  his  dirty  nose  over  them,  leave 
them  with  some  wound  on  them.  But  when  he 
heard  a  gun,  Lord  bless  you,  how  he'd  run,  and 
hold  his  tail  close  between  his  legs !  "We  had  lota 
of  trouble  with  him.  When  he  saw  a  church, 
he  wanted  to  go  ir  and  steal  something.  And 
when  he  saw  a  telegraph  report  in  the  office,  he 


92  The  Dog-Oondest  Dog. 

looked  as  if  he  wanted  to  change  it  some  way 
The  only  thing  he  was  fit  for  was  to  watch  jew 
elry  stores!  Let  that  dog  go  by  a  show-window 
where  there  would  be  some  silver-ware,  and  he'd 
stand  around  there  all  day.  And  he'd  look  into 
store  windows,  and  break  into  churches  to  look 
at  the  communion  plate.  And  he'd  follow  a 
funeral  for  miles,  if  there  was  a  silver  plate  on 
the  coffin.  Most  folks  thought  he  was  alwaya 
one  of  the  mourners.  But  when  we  found  that 
the  graves  were  dug  into,  and  one  day  saw  his 
kennel  filled  with  silver  plates,  screws,  etc., 
gnawed  from  coffin-lids,  we  knew  what  a  vehe 
ment  mourner  Butler  was.  A  funeral  procession 
just  passed  the  door — and  that  is  what  the  dog 
goned  dog  went  out  for  so  quick ! 

If  anybody  wants  a  red  and  brindle,  square- 
jawed  pet  of  this  kind,  whose  keeping  will  not 
amount  to  over  five  or  six  hundred  dollars  a 
month,  unless  we  have  to  pay  for  his  stealings, 
we'd  like  to  sell  him.  He  is  a  sweet  pet— jus* 


The  Dog-G<mdest  Dog.  93 

such  a  purp  as  some  poor  man  who  is  not  able 
to  buy  a  window-curtain  or  a  book  for  his  wife 
to  read,  would  want.  He  can  eat  a  horse  and 
chase  the  rider  up  a  tree  any  day,  and  were  it 
not  for  his  peculiarities,  would  be  a  fine  dog. 
He'll  eat  anything,  from  an  inkstand  to  a  linen 
night-shirt — from  a  pound  of  candles  to  a  baby 
• — from  a  magazine  to  an  india-rubber  boat,  and 
grows  more  handsome  every  day  he  lives.  We'll 
sell  him  cheap.  For  particulars  address,  with 
revenue  stamp  to  prepay  return  postage  on  the 
dog,  which  is  such  a  handy  thing  to  have  about 
yours  most  dog-goned  truly, 

"  POMEROT. 


CHAPTEE   XI. 

PETER  OLEUM  STKTTCK  BY  "  BRICK.  " 
/ 

PETEOLEUM!  You  are  the  Pete  fa 
me!  Else  why!  Mr.  Moses  smote  the 
rock,  and  water  gushed  forth,  first;  I 
Bmote  its  rock,  and  exceeding  much  of  oil 
trickled  forth.  And  I  am  rich  oilso.  To  find 
such  much  of  a  greace,  doth  well  a-grease  with 
me.  .  I  skirmished  from  garret  upon  oil  region. 
Ever  since  I  became  born,  my  poverty  has  been 
hard  to  be  borne !  I  have  suifered — I  have  been 
bored  by  creditors !  My  credit  was  run  into  the 
ground.  People  thought  me  rich,  meanwhile, 
and  a  very  meanwliile  it  was,  too !  They 


Peter  OUum  struck  by  "Brick. "  95 

thought  I  had  plenty  of  money  ;  so  they  wanted 
pay  down  for  what  I  bought.  Not  wishing  to 
humor  people,  albeit  something  of  a  humorous, 
perhaps  I  would  not  purchase  many  things.  I 
leased,  I  bored,  I  brought  it !  Yeni,  vidi,  vici ! 
Oili-ile-si-greased.  Oils  well  that  ends  well; 
especially  if  it  is  an  oil  well!  I  bored,  and  it 
came.  I  drilled  a  hole  through  a  rock;  and 
oilready  have  been  rewarded  with  so  much  of 
the  fiiel  being  prepared  for  the  final  conflagra 
tion,  that  I  fear  the  last  boil  will  end  in  as  great 
a  fizzle  as  did  the  Dutch  Gap  Canal. 

And  now  I  am  rich — more  rich  than  any  man, 
or  any  other  man.  I  have  lots  of  money  now, 
when  I  have  no  use  for  it.  What  a  queer  world ! 
Nothing  like  oil !  Folks  say,  "  Hallo,  here's 
Hon.  Mr.  Brick  just  struck  a  fortune.  Deuced 
fine  fellow,  Mr.  Brick ! "  Three  months  since 
I  was  plain  "  Brick."  It  oil  owing  to  Petro 
leum. 

And  now  fur  a  splurge.     Brown  atone  house 


96          Peter  Oleum  struck  by  "Brick" 

on  Fifth  avenue,  with  brown  stone  front,  de 
signed  by  old  Brown  himself,  on  both  ends  of  it. 
Red  horses  with  green  tails,  pink  eyebrows,  blue 
ears,  chocolate-colored  eyes,  frizzled  mane,  and 
matchless  style.  Yellow  wagon  with  black  sides, 
purple  blinds,  and  brown  top,  d  la  clam  shell. 
Ethiopian  driver  with  white  kids,  solferino  stock 
ings,  magenta  hat  uand,  and  false  teeth  on  gutta- 
rarcha  base.  And  a  sixty-four  ox-stave  ethio- 
^)iano,  with  brocatelle  drawers,  that  modesty  ma^ 
not  be  shocked  by  looking  at  the  legs  thereof. 
And  a  library  devoted  to  red-backs,  yellow 
backs,  brown-backs,  maroon-backs,  and  even 
"  greenbacks ! "  Darn  the  expense,  quothes  I ! 
And  I'll  have  a  park  in  the  woodshed,  and  a 
oathing-tub  full  of  the  oil  in  church,  and  a  wild 
buffalo  to  cut  steak  from,  and  oysters  as  large  as 
Lincoln's  majority,  and  boots  with  round  toea 
and  square  heels,  and  a  seat  in  some  fashionable 
church,  and  new  hoop-skirts  for  all  my  hired  girls, 
and  I  will  employ  BO  many  niggers  to  wait  on 


Peter  Oleum  struck  by  "JBricJc."          97 

me,  that  oil  I'le  have  to  do  will  be  to  be  happy. 
Oh,  Fete!  let  me  kiss  you  for  your  Ma!  And 
I'll  lay  a-bed  mornings,  and  I'll  sit  up  oil  night, 
and  bore  my  friends  oil  day,  till  they  can't  bare-1 
H!  Talk  about  honest  industry,  sawing  wood 
for  the  dust,  opening  oysters  for  the  shells,  black 
ing  boots  merely  to  see  your  face  in  them,  and 
being  honest  forty  years  waiting  for  some  rich 
man  to  adopt  you  !  Played !  Petroleum  is  the 
boy.  And  now  I'll  live  high.  Out  of  the 
house,  vain  pomp !  Away  from  me,  cold  cuts, 
crackers,  cheese,  mush  boiled,  No.  5  mackerel, 
warmed-up  soup,  and  brilliant  appetites !  I've 
struck  Pete ! 

Now,  when  I  go  on  the  street,  folks  run  to  the 
window  and  smile.  And  they  smile  at  me  on 
the  street.  And  they  ask  me  to  smile  in  Ginuel 
Cock  Tail's  house.  And  they  all  have  a  kind 
word  !  O,  Pete  !  You're  the  Roleum  for  me ! 
Things  in  my  limited  kingdom  isn't  as  they  use 

to   once  was  !      Farewell,  ragged    habiliments ! 
5 


98          Peter  Oleum,  struck  by  "Brick" 

Good-by,  hungry  stomach!  Oil  River,  cold 
shoulders  !  It's  oil  right,  now.  Ten  years  ago, 
Buggins  wouldn't  speak  to  me,  'cause  I  was  not 
well,  financially  speaking.  Buggins  is  now  aa 
cordial  as  horse-radish  or  hot  whiskey.  And 
when  I  would  wedlock  those  rich  girl,  who  so 
sweetly  was  unto  me,  her  cruel  parients  said, 
"Oh,  poor  but  honest  youth,  entice  thyself 
hence ! "  And  I  enticed — nobody !  Now,  those 
girl,  and  those  cruel  parients  wish  me  to  call. 
How  are  you,  bettered  circumstances  ?  It  is  good 
to  remember  oil  these  things  !  And  the  time 
dwells  in  those  fond  recollections  of  mine,  aa 
how  I  was  not  wanted  at  fashionable  parties. 
Now  the  doors  fly  wide,  and  ebony  ?jgels  of 
shoddy  swing  the  panels  for  me  to  onter  and 
revel.  O  Pete !  you're  oil  right,  my  Voy ! 

Money !  More  than  would  wad  a  columbiad ! 
Everybody  is  willing  to  trust  me,  c.ow.  I  have 
no  need  for  credit.  Rich  folks  ara  deuced  glad 
to  see  me.  They  bow  very  low  to  me,  now, 


Peter  Oleum  struck  by  "Brick"          93 

They  didn't  once.  Great  is  Peter  Oleum,  and 
boring  is  its  profit !  Just  to  think  of  it.  How  I 
used  to  once  dig  potatoes  on  shares — turn  grind 
stones  for  fun— milked  cows  for  the  buttermilk — • 
cotton  strings  for  suspenders — boss's  old  boots  or 
freeze  toes — hired  man's  hat  or  get  tanned — 
second  table  or  not  at  all — "  dirty-fingered  type- 
sticker,"  or  poor  mechanic — go  afoot  or  stay  be 
hind!  Oil  is  a  dream  now.  Stare,  hilarious 
days,  for  poverty  are  over,  and  shoddy  is,  indeed, 
envious ! 

Guess  I  can  kiss  Matilda  Jerusha,  now,  and 
her  dad  won't  object,  for  I've  struck  ile  1 
Reckon  tailor  will  have  time  to  make  those 
raiments  for  I  this  week.  Think  landlord  won't 
insist  upon  moving  out  of  his  abode.  Things 
is  working  now.  Another  vein  is  opened !  And 
you  don't  know  how  nice  it  is.  If  I  go  on  a 
"bum,"  folks  look  over  it,  now.  When  I  was 
poor,  they  looked  into  it.  I  can  kick  boot 
blacks,  snub  poor  people,  break  car  windows, 


100         Peter  Oleum  struck  ~by  "UricL" 

throw  goblets  at  waiters,  hurrah  for  any  man  1 
like,  wink  at  whose  wife  I  wish  to,  tie  my  team 
to  shade  trees,  stand  on  church  cushions  with 
dirty  feet,  jam  people's  hats  down  over  their 
eyes,  tell  a  man  he  is  a  liar,  spit  on  the  carpet, 
get  drunk  or  sober,  swear  or  not,  as  I  please, 
and  its  oil  right,  for  I've  struck  Pete !  And  I 
can  sit  up  oil  night,  and  raise  much  h — armony. 
No  one  objects.  Mrs.  Stiggings  says  I  is  the 
nicerest  man  she  ever  sawed.  Mrs.  Piggerly 
says  I  is  the  most  delightingest  gentlemen  she 
ever  knowed.  The  Stiggins  and  Piggerly  girls 
say  I  am  mostly  exquisitious !  It's  oil  on 
account  of  Peter  Oleum,  who  has  lately  come 
to  see  me. 

And  I'm  "  on  it,"  now.  Have  left  my  meas 
ure  for  a  set  of  diamonds  the  size  of  a  coal  bed. 
And  I  have  ordered  silk  shirts,  satin  stockings, 
more  antique  elastics,  and  a  gold  shaving-cup. 
And  I'll  have  a  guitar,  harp,  organ,  piano,  and 
tinkling  cymbal  in  the  house,  oiled  with  petro- 


Peter  Oleum  struck  In/  "Urick"        101 

leum,  so  they  will  play  easy.  And  my  hair 
my  whiskers,  my  pocket-handkerchiefs,  my  big 
clothes  and  my  little  clothes,  shall  bask  in  a 
barrel  of  petroleum  while  I  sleep.  O  Pete, 
I'm  fixed  at  last !  I'll  found  a  church,  or  founder 
a  horse.  I'll  buy  a  horse-railroad,  and  run  it 
with  petroleum;  hire  religious  editors  to  puff 
me  into  Christianity;  buy  a  nomination  for  a 
fat  office,  and  become  as  stiff  as  oil-boiled  silk. 
Go  away,  poverty,  I  am  wearied  of  your  ca 
resses  1  You  have  a  large  society,  but  I  don't  ap 
preciate  your  grip.  Your  by-laws  are  right,  but 
against  my  constitution.  Now  I  can  give  advice, 
and  it  will  be  heeded.  It's  nice  to  have  struck 
ile — one  has  so  many  more  friends  than  he  ever 
thought  fo1*,  and  people  take  such  an  interest 
in  you.  I  can  go  on  'Change,  buy  a  few  thou 
sand  shares  on  call,  sell  gold,  long  or  short,  deal 
in  stocks  at  buyer's  option,  have  a  private  box 
at  the  opera,  shake  hands  with  old  Mr.  Nabob, 
and  sing  what  tune  I  please.  Young  man,  bora 


£02        Peter  Oleum  struck  "by  "Brick" 

for  oil !  Strike  Pete,  and  be  happy ! 
the  earth  to  gush  into  your  lap,  and  beauty 
will  gush  oil  over  thee.  Strike  oil  and  be 
great ! 

'  The  question  once  was,  who  inflicted  a  blow 
under  the  auricular  of  William  Patterson.  Fare 
well,  Pat!  The  interrogation  now  is:  "Who 
etruke  Pete?"  I've  struck  him,  and  once  more 
am  happy.  If  society  wants  to  come  forward 
and  take  a  new  brother's  hand,  society  can  now 
do  it.  If  young  ladies  of  fashion  wish  to  carry 
me  sweetly  once  ere  I  become  die,  they  will 
please  step  forward,  and  not  rumple  my  clothes  ! 
If  any  seeker  after  notoriety  wishes  to  kiss  me 
for  the  Sanitary,  they  can  now  do  it,  and  one  of 
my  niggers  shall  hold  the  stakes.  I've  struck 
Pete,  and  the  result  is  much  gorgeousness  of  ap 
parel — many  good  things  heretofore  known  tc 
p\e  only  by  observation. 

I  would  not  be  a  poor  man — 
I  would  not  if  I  could — 


Peter  Oleum  struck  ly  "Brick."        103 

But  I  need  not  fret  about  it, 
For  I  could  not  if  I  would, 

while  the  earth  divulges  its  hidden  secrets  into 
my  lap  at  the  rate  of  three  hundred  barrels. 
Its  oil  right,  now.  Once  I  was  merely  a  bore. 
Now  I  am  a  successful  borer,  and  my  troublei 
have  been  drowned  in  oil  by  the  genius  of  suc 
cess — Peter  Oleum.  Oilways  thine, 

"  POMEKOT. 


CHAPTER    XII. 
TEUTONIC     ANGUISH. 

FEW  years  since  the  country  remem 
bers  that  a  steamer,  the  Lady  Elgin, 
was  lost  on  the  trip  from  Chicago  to 
Milwaukee,  and  about  three  hundred  persons  on 
board  were  drowned.  The  first  report  was  that 
all  had  perished;  but  several  escaped  and  re 
turned  to  their  homes,  after  an  absence  of  from 
one  to  three  days.  There  lived  at  Milwaukee, 
at  that  time,  a  burly  German,  named  Triheister 
Dotswinger,  who  rejoiced  in  a  three-cornered 
lager-beer  saloon,  an  eight-square  vrouw,  and  au 
oval-faced  cherub  of  eighteen  summers,  boy 


Teutonic  Anguish.  105 

by  nature.  Schneider  Dotswinger  by  najvft,  and 
graceful  as  a  young  bologna-sausage  in  att  ita 
pristine  bloom. 

Schneider  coaxed  his  two  derivatives  to  gr>  on 
the  ill-fated  steamer.  News  came  that  she  wai 
lost.  The  anguish-stricken  Teuton,  in  a  parox 
ysm  of  grief,  called  on  us  in  the  editorial  rooms, 
to  inquire  about  his  boy.  We  told  him — as  we 
were  informed — that  all  were  lost,  and  of  course 
his  boy  was  a  goner.  He  seated  himself  on  a 
pile  of  books,  and  thus  held  forth : 

"  Mein  Gott !  mein  Gott !  Mr.  Bumroy !  'tis 
always  shust  so  as  it  never  vash  since  it  vash  so, 
und  I  knows  em !  I  have  so  mooch  droobles  dis 
day  as  never  vash  since  I  make  start  mit  mine 
lager  peer  grocery.  It  is  shust  so  all  der  time, 
and  I  feels  so  pad  all  down  here  mit  mine  pelly ! 
Lut  us  go  und  make  some  laerg  peer  drink,  und 

0 

I  dells  you  pout  dat  Schneider  vot  shust  now 
?ost  me  in  ter  Lady  Helshin  !  " 

We  accompanied  the  grief-stricken  one  to  8 
6* 


L06  Teutonic  Anguish. 

Baloon  where  lager  was  held  forth,  and  over  a 
glass  of  the  beverage  he  thus  continued : 

"  Now,  Mr.  Bumroy,  mine  heart  be  aus  ka 
Bpielt  (played  out).  I  make  eo  mooch  loves  ver 
dat  Schneider  as  vot  no  man  never  makes  for  his 
poy.  I'se  had  so  mooch  droobles  mit  him,  doo. 
Yen  he  vas  un  fine  leedle  poy,  fat,  shust  like  un 
leedle  pig,  he  had  so  mooch  worms  ash  no  poy 
never  had,  and  it  dakes  more  as  zwei  barrels  of 
goot  lager  peer  to  get  dat  poy  out  of  der  worms. 
Take  some  more  peer ,  Mr.  Bumroy  ! 

"Und  den,  mine  friend,  lie  makes  take  der 
leedle  meesels,  and  goomes  out  all  over  in  un 
solid  leedle  sphots,  shust  like  un  papy  vot  is  so 
freckled  as  never  vash ;  und  it  cost  me  more  as 
doo  tollars  to  get  dat  Schneider  away  from  dem 
shpeckles.  Und  I  makes  play  mit  him  on  der 
vloor  und  have  such  fun  shpankin  him  as  never 
vash,  und  den  he  makes  mooch  grow  und  goes  out 
ter  door  ven  he  vants  too,  shust  like  no  pody,  so 
it  does  his  poor  ladder's  heart  so  mooch  goot  tc 


Teutonic  Anguish.  107 

yatch  him  ash  you  never  saw !  Take  some  mart 
peer,  Mr.  Bumroy  ! 

"  Und  den  he  make  grow  shust  like  notinka, 
Und  he  gets  so  pig  in  his  leedle  sthumach  like  hii 
fadder !  He  vas  shust  such  a  poy  ash  never  vash 
Und  he  makes  himself  grow  pig,  und  he  drinka 
so  much  lager  peer  as  his  fadder,  und  is  so  much 
help  in  mine  grocery.  He  draws  peer  so  goot  aa 
I  does,  und  I  sits  all  ter  dime  seeing  Schneider 
draw  peer,  und  I  smokes  mine  bipe  to  shleep  all 
ter  viles !  Und  now  I  feels  so  pad  down  here ! 
Take  some  more  peer,  Mynheer  Bum/roy  ! 

"  Und  now  dat  Schneider  vas  gone  make  him 
self  drown  on  der  Lady  Helshin!  He  vosh  so 
goot  poy  as  never  vash,  and  I  must  make  myself 
get  unodder  little  Schneider  shust  like  him.  I 
dell  you,  Mynheer  Bumroy,  I  never  make  my 
self  veel  so  pad  since  dat  boy  vas  notink ! " 

Just  then  the  door  opened,  and  in  came 
Schneider,  a  living  witness  fresh  from  the 
disaster,  brought  up  by  Dennison  on  the  cars. 


108  Teutonic  Anguish. 

"  Oh,  mein  Gott !  he.-e  goomes  dat  Schneider !  * 
Jumping  up.  "  Oh,  Schneider,  you  tamui  rascal ! 
Kiss  your  fadder !  Goom  to  your  poor  fadder's 
arms ! "  They  embrace.  "  Now  take  some 
lager  peer  mit  your  fadder.  Go  kiss  your  mud- 
der,  you  tamm  rascal !  Here,  kiss  your  fadder, 
you  tamm  rascal,  vot  drowns  der  Lady  Ilelshin  1 
Und  you  tamm  rascal,  ven  next  you  goes  mit  der 
Lady  Ilelshin  to  ride,  you  sthay  here  und  sell 
lager  peer,  and  lets  your  poor  fadder  go  have 
funs  not  by  a  tamm  sight !  Oh,  mein  Uctt !  how 
I  makes  love  dat  poy !  Pd  radder  find  fifty 
tollars  in  gold  as  drown  him  mil  ter  steam 
boat  1" 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

"  BRICK  "  AND  THE  DEACON'S  HEXA. 

( 

CACON     BEIGHTWATER     lived   in 

New  Hartford,  Nutmeg  State.  Ha 
had  a  red  house,  a  red  horse,  a  red 
barn,  red  fence,  a  red  cow,  red  window  sash,  an 
old-fashioned  red  sleigh,  a  red  smoke-house,  red 
hogs,  little  red  eyes,  and  a  red  nose — the  very 
picture  of  a  New  England  Puritan.  He  had  a 
wife  who  wore  a  red  petticoat,  and  had  the 
readiest  tongue  a  woman  ever  fired  at  us.  He 
had  some  little  ready  money,  got  by  making 
cider  brandy  from  stolen  apples,  and  taking  toll 
from  the  copper-spattered  contribution  saucer  he 


110         "JBrick"  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa. 

passed  in  the  red  church  in  that  settlement  of 
S'inday  beans,  week-day  onions,  and  orthodox 
yiews. 

And  he  had  a  female  child,  whose  name  was 
Hexa  Brightwater,  and  who  was  twenty-nine 
yeara  old ;  wore  red  stockings,  red  garters,  metal- 
tipped  shoes,  green  spectacles,  and  the  prettiest 
red  hair  the  world  ever  set  eyes  on  or  into. 
Hexa,  a  true  New  England  gal,  chewed  wads  of 
pine  gum,  and  sweetened  her  breath  with  onions. 
Hexa  wasn't  so  much  handsomer  than  a  doll  aa 
to  make  the  doll  faint ;  but  she  was  intelligent. 
In  fact,  intelligence  was  her  best  hold,  but  one ; 
she  was  great  on  making  baby  garments,  and  had 
two  trunks  full  packed  away,  that  she  might  be 
ready  as  willing  when  the  evil  hour  drew  nigh, 
as  she  trusted  it  would,  from  year  to  year. 

My  father  was  a  common  sort  of  a  rooster,  and 
lived  outside  of  the  drippings  of  New  England 
blessings.  He  was  taught  that  in  no  other  place 
could  there  be  found  women  of  intelligence,  and 


"Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa.        Ill 

he  sent  me  there  to  find  a  loving  lass,  to  court 
some  intelligent  beauty,  to  woo  some  refined 
nutmeggress,  and  with  her  return  to  my  rural 
home  to  astonish  the  barbarians  with  something 
beyond  the  average  of  female  loveliness. 

I  went  to  the  Land  of  Steady  Habits.  I 
wanted  to  hand  several  "  Bricks "  down  to  pos 
terity,  and  was  told  by  father  that  with  a 
New  England  girl  for  a  wife  I  could  raise  more 
children,  grow  more  onions,  skin  more  eels,  sing 
more  psalms,  know  more  of  what  was  going  on 
in  the  neighborhood,  hear  more  scandal,  sleep 
less  nights,  have  more  relatives,  eat  more  beans, 
love  myself  and  hate  others  more,  and  get  more 
out  of  a  dollar,  than  with  any  other  sort  of  a 
woman  in  this  happy  country,  so-called. 

Deacon  Brightwater,  with  his  bright  red  nose, 
was  a  cunning  man.  He  was  a  New  England 
Christian.  He  crowded  nineteen  eggs  under  a 
fourteen-egg  hen,  always  borrowing  the  five  odd 
eggs !  He  smelt  of  peoples'  breath  to  see  if  they 


1 12        "Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa. 

had  been  drinking  liquor,  and  then  made  a  few 
stamps,  as  a  Connecticut  Good  Templar  spy,  by 
informing  against  them.  He  didn't  drink  him 
self,  but  got  his  nose  tinted  by  holding  it  so 
close  to  the  mouths  of  those  who  did  !  He  split 
matches  to  make  them  last  longer.  He'd  pick 
up  hen's  heads  to  boil  them  for  the  fat  thereon. 
He'd  take  a  claw-hammer,  when  he  went  visiting, 
to  draw  tacks  from  carpets  when  unseen.  He 
made  cider-brandy,  and  made  it  on  shares.  He 
was  always  trying  to  swap  horses,  but  never 
could  find  one  that  worked  well  on  his  machine ; 
so  he  tried  each  one  until  noon,  and  sent  them 
home  hungry!  He  was  a  careful,  prudent, 
whole-souled,  liberal,  spontaneous  edition  of  be 
nevolence,  who  gave  his  hogs'  tails  and  rams' 
horns  to  the  poor,  and  made  prayers  longer  than 
the  sweep  of  his  cider  mill,  but,  like  that  instnr 
ment,  always  pointed  down, 

Hexa  Brightwater  never  had   a  beau   till   I 
visited     her.      She  was    too   intelligent  for  thti 


"Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa.        115 

common  herd.  She  knew  everything.  She 
could  tell  how  long  a  wad  of  gum  would  last, 
how  much  a  Southerner  made  from  a  nigger, 
how  ir  any  duck  eggs  would  hatch  under  a  two- 
year-old  pullet,  and  when  beans  were  fit  to 
bake.  She  was  one  of  those  higher  sphere 
beings,  who  could  do  no  wrong ;  who  could  not 
endure  those  who  did. 

How  I  did  spark  Hexa !  Deacon  Brightwater 
heard  that  I  had  wealth,  and  he  was  willing. 
He'd  go  to  bed  early.  He'd  play  snore  so  Hexa 
and  I  would  hurry  up.  Mrs.  Deacon  Bright- 
water  went  to  sleep,  too.  She  crawled  in  beside 
the  deacon — front  side.  Their  bedroom  door 
was  always  shut  by  particular  request  of  Hexa. 
She  knew  why  it  should  be  closed.  I  used  to 
hear  a  footfall  on  the  bedroom  floor.  I  mis 
trusted  Hexa's  mother  used  to  watch  at  the 
key-hole.  She  could  see  where  Hexa  and  I 
Bat  to  squeeze  each  other's  hands,  eat  candy, 
and  taste  of  each  other's  lips.  I  didn't  like  to 


114        "Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa. 

have  her  do  this.  So  one  night,  when  I  nils 
trusted,  I  slipped  up  beside  the  door  and  jabbed 
a  wire  into  the  key-hole.  It  was  a  long  wire. 
I  heard  somebody  squeal  inside.  She  died  be 
fore  morning  from  the  effects  of  that  playful, 
Puritanical  jab  !  That  wire  cured  the  key-hole 
disease.  It  opened  the  old  lady's  eye!  The 
deacon  followed  her  to  the  grave.  With  true 
New  England  affection  he  put  up  a  tombstone. 
on  which  was — 

Hie  jacket  Hexa's  Mother, 

Orphan  child  without  a  brother. 

She  went  hence  with  a  single  eye,  &c., 

And  left  I  single  to  go  forth! 

Tears  cannot  restore  her; 

Therefore  I  weep ! 

As  I  pile  sod  o'er  her 

All  in  a  heap. 

The  deacon  grow  pale,  all  except  his  nose 
That  wouldn't  pale.  It  was  in  better  spirits. 
The  deacon  married  a  nigger  lady  frcon  the 


"Brick"  and  the  Deacon\  Hexa.        115 

cotton  country,  and  was  happier  than  ever 
Then  Hexa  and  I  had  it  all  our  way.  We'd 
sit  in  the  parlor,  I  cross-legged,  Hexa  with  one 
foot  under  her.  like  a  duck.  She  was  strong 
minded.  She  wanted  heaps  of  hugging,  and  you 
bet  I  was  old  industry  at  that  business.  She 
used  to  begin  our  Sunday  night  devotion  by 
singing — 

"Arm  me  with  jealous  care!  " 

1  used  to  arm  her,  every  time !  She  liked  it 
Then  she  would  read  a  chapter  about  how  the 
waste  places  should  be  made  glad.  I  used  to 
make  her  waist  places  glad,  lots,  till  my  arms 
got  BO  tired  I  couldn't.  Then  she'd  pillow  her 
head  on  my  manly  chest,  and  I'd  pillow  my  head 
on  her  manly  chest.  And  we  agreed  that  all  I 
had  should  be  hern,  and  all  she  had  should  be 
mine.  She  thought  mine  was  more  than  hern, 
but  it  wan't.  Her  dad  was  rich. 

I  used  to  help  her  weed  onions.     That  was  hei 


116        "Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa. 

strong  game.  She'd  snatch  an  onion  bed  bald 
headed  in  four  minutes.  She  never  missed  a 
weed.  She  knew  clover  from  onions  just  as  easy. 
"When  they  all  grew  in  one  clump,  she'd  dissect 
them  quicker  than  a  cat  could  lick  her  ear.  I've 
Been  her  snatch  for  a  handful  of  weeds  right  in 
among  the  onions,  and  never  faze  an  un!  The 
old  deacon  said  once,  as  I  stood  in  the  barn  hold 
ing  a  sheep  for  him  to  shear,  that  there  was  a 
consolation  in  affliction,  for  he  had  buried  six 
wives  and  felt  that  each  one  was  a  stepping-stone 
over  the  river  to  glory.  He  paused  his  shearing, 
looked  skyward  up  alongside  a  black  bottle  he 
carried  in  a  side  pocket,  and  resumed  his '  clip 
ping.  I  saw  by  his  nose  that  he  was  affected. 
I  pitied  him.  I  asked  him  if  the  river  was 
broad.  He  said  it  was,  and  deep.  I  asked  him 
if  his  stepping-stones  reached,  as  yet,  near  the 
glory  shore.  He  said  not  quite — about  half  way. 
I  looked  at  the  humpy  old  deacon  and  his  bald 
head,  and  as  1  got  sight  of  his  new  wife,  asleep 


"Brick  "  (md  the  Deacon's  Hexa.        ill 

in  tlie  sun  on  the  wood-pile,  surrounded  by  a 
swarm  of  admiring  flies,  anxious  to  kiss  her  foi 
her  mother,  but  too  polite  to  touch  her  opened 
lips,  I  reverently  thought,  "  Old  Cocky,  it  will  be 
a  wonder  if  the  nigger  don't  beat  you  and  plant 
you  first  as  the  next  step-stone." 

"We  sheared  the  sheep.  Then  we  sat  under 
the  fence,  and  while  I  tied  my  shoe  I  could 
hear  a  gurgle  about  the  deacon's  mouth.  I 
thought  it  was  his  nose  preparing  to  blossom, 
but  it  was  only  cider-brandy. 

And  we  sat  there  and  talked  until  the  noon- 
hour  came.  We  settled  our  marriage  matters, 
and  I  was  to  have  Hexa,  if  I  could  get  her. 
There  was  a  question  about  the  dowry.  The 
deacon  wanted  me  to  pay  the  funeral  expenses 
of  his  last  wife ;  not  but  he  was  glad  to  get  rid 
of  her,  but  he  found  her  more  expensive  after 
death  than  before.  I  refused  to  pay  for  such 
nonsense.  He  found  that  I  was  in  earnest,  and 
let  up.  If  he  hadn't,  after  all  I'd  spent  for 


118        "Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa. 

Hexa,  in  the  way  of  time  and  travel,  I'd  have 
gone  for  his  red  knob,  and  he  knew  it. 

By  and  by  the  old  deacon  fell  asleep,  and  1 
went  in  to  comfort  Hexa.  "We  had  a  nice  tune. 
She  was  a  rapid  talker.  I  was  a  mere  man  of 
mud  in  comparison  to  her.  She  knew  she  waa 
smart.  She  knew  all  other  women  were  igno 
rant,  for  she  had  been  taught  it.  I  didn't  love 
her  for  her  love,  but  for  her  hate.  She  hated 
everything  beyond  her  eyeshot.  She  hated 
some  parts  of  New  England,  not  because  onions 
wouldn't  grow  there,  but  because  in  some  places 
there  were  great,  ugly  Democrats,  and  they  kept 
increasing.  But  I  didn't  want  a  woman  to  love 
me — only  one  who  was  intelligent — and  so  I 
sparked  her. 

Our  marriage-day  was  fixed.  Being  an  igno 
rant  Western  laborer,  I  was  forced  to  agree  to 
remain  a  servant  in  that  household  ten  years, 
to  get  the -hang  of  their  notions. 

I  had  to  learn  to  use  a  sickle  instead  of  a  reap 


"Brick  "  and  the  Deacon's  Hexa 

ing  machine — to  use  psalms  instead  of  melodies 
— to  work  for  others  instead  of  myself.  It  waa 
all  right,  for  a  while.  But  I  couldn't  love  thfl 
deacon's  dusky  wife.  Did  not  like  her  color. 
And  when  I  wanted  to  hunt,  I  had  to  shoot 
straight  up  into  the  air,  or  down  into  the  well, 
for  fear  of  trespassing.  And  when  I  wanted  to 
run  and  expand  my  lungs,  I  was  plum  against 
a  stone  fence  in  less  than  a  minute.  If  I  kissed 
Hexa  on  the  Sabbath,  I  was  fined  for  it.  I  wa3 
forced  to  drink  cider-brandy,  or  nothing;  and 
I  was  fed  on  onions  till  I  sickened  of  them. 
Onions  are  good  for  two  or  three  hundred  meals, 
but  for  a  steady  diet,  I  tike  them  not.  I  tried 
to  love  Hexa ;  but  as  soon  as  she  found  I  waa 
betrothed  to  her,  she  put  on  airs.  She  made 
me  hew  her  wood,  draw  her  water,  find  her  in 
food,  and  pay  extra  for  sewing  on  my  shirt  but 
tons,  making  neckties,  and  all  such  little  jobs. 

And    I    had  to  work  hard   all  day  carting 
apples  from    other  farms  for    Deacon    Bright 


120        "Brick  "  and  the  Deacon? s  Hexa. 

water  to  grind  up  into  apple  cider  to  redden 
his  nose.  And  if  I  wanted  a  drink  of  cider  1 
had  to'  pay  for  it  from  over-work.  And  I  had 
to  work  to  fix  up  the  little  garden  patch — to 
repair  his  old  mill  that  wasn't  worth  repairs. 
As  the  old  deacon  grows  old  he  grows  mean. 
As  Hexa  thinks  she  has  got  a  fellow  tight,  she 
just  everlastingly  goes  for  him.  I  am  the  best 
worker  ever  on  the  place.  I  make  the  old  farm, 
so-called,  valuable,  and  it  is  for  Hexa's  interest 
to  keep  me.  But  she  hates  me — she  is  jealous 
of  me — she  don't  try  to  make  it  pleasant  for 
me — she  quarrels  with  me,  and  says  I  am 
nothing  but  a  great  ugly  brute.  She  scolds  me 
till  I  could  almost  die,  steals  my  trinkets,  cuts 
up  my  clothes  for  rag  carpets;  and  whenever 
she  goes  to  a  tea-party,  she  tells  folks  what  a 
mean  cuss  I  am  and  what  a  sweet  intelligent 
angel  she  is. 

Some  day  I'll  quit  on  Hexa — we'll  go  through 
that  old    cider-brandy  mill,  and  leave   for   the 


"Brick  "  cmd  the  Deacorts  Hexa.       121 

West,  where  I  can  see  daylight  without  being 
obliged  to  look  straight  up,  and  where  I  can 
find  some  one  better  natured,  if  not  so  smart 
to  sew  on  buttons  and  make  neckties.  I'll 
work  on — but  keep  getting  my  little  duds  in 
shape — and  some  day  be  off  in  earnest,  and  let 
the  deacon  sing  his  psalms,  and  let  Hexa  weed 
her  onions.  Thoughtfully  thine, 

"  BKICK  "  POMEKOT. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 


CURB    FOR    A    COLD. 

HA  YE  been  very  sick.  It  was  a  cold. 
A  dab  bad  cod  id  de  ed.  I  came  near 
going  for  to  quit.  I  went  so  far  down 
the  lane,  it  was  a  grave  question  whether  it  were 
best  to  retrace  or  trace  ahead.  I  caught  it  ever 
BO  easy.  The  fire  went  out.  The  lamp  nickered 
low.  The  kitchen  clock  tolled  the  death  of  the 
day  as  I  told  the  girl  I  loved  her.  The  clock 
struck  as  the  idea  struck  me  I  was  getting  cold. 
I  told  the  girl  so.  We  sat  on  a  sofa.  Said  she, 
"  Sit  up  closer  "  In  her  lap  we  laid  our  head. 
Who  cared  for  a  little  cold  ?  We  talked  ol  lota 


Cure  for  a  Cold.  123 

We  talked  low,  because  we  were  down-stairs.  I 
caught  the  cold,  but  not  the  girl.  Then  I  went 
to  a  doctor — a  doctor  of  physic — so  I  met-a- 
physic !  How  do  you  like  that  joke  ?  He  felt 
of  my  tongue  and  looked  at  my  pulse ;  said  I  was 
Bick.  Told  me  to  go  home,  soak  my  feet,  cover 
up  in  bed,  eat  nothing  for  a  week,  and  be  well. 
Gave  him  five  dollars  and  saw  my  landlord. 
He  said  no  deductions  could  be  made  on  board, 
BO  I  couldn't  follow  my  physic's  advice.  Then  I 
saw  another  doctor.  He  told  me  to  take  two 
bottles  of  hot  drops,  a  bed-blanket  covered  with 
mustard,  and  go  to  bed.  Told  him  I  didn't  want 
a  hot  drop  till  I  dropped  in  forever.  Told  him  I 
didn't  want  to  be  mustered  in  that  way.  Told 
him  I  didn't  want  to  go  to  bed.  Then  I  saw 
another  knight  of  the  scalpel.  It  was  the  same 
night  that  I  saw  him,  though.  He  told  me  to 
take  cod-liver  oil  and  honey.  Told  him  I  had  no 
cod  liver.  Then  he  said  I  must  eat  cold  tallow. 
Said  I,  "  That  never  agrees  with  me."  Then  b» 


124  Cure  for  a  Cold. 

told  me  to  eat  fat  beef.  I  thought  him  a 
humbug,  and  went  elsewhere.  Thought  I'd  try 
the  cold-water  plan.  Eminent  hydrantopothist 
told  me  to  soak  my  head  in  ice-water ;  soak  my 
feet  in  ice-water ;  sit  in  a  barrel  of  ice- water  two 
hours ;  bathe  my  back  in  ice-water ;  eat  pounded 
ice  till  I  sweat,  and  I'd  feel  better.  Good  way 
to  get  up  a  sweat;  but  then  it  would  have 
spoiled  a  skating-pond  to  have  done  it. 

Another  doctor  told  me  to  use  dumb-bells. 
Supposing  he  meant  a  deaf  and  dumb  girl,  I  de 
clined.  Another  Esculapius  told  me  the  homce- 
opathist  style  was  all  the  rage.  Gave  me  five 
thousand  little  pills,  marked  A.  Gave  me  five 
thousand  more  little  pills,  marked  B.  Gave  ma 
five  thousand  more  little  pills,  marked  0.  Told 
me  to  take  one  pill  in  a  pail  of  water  every  five 
minutes;  to  take  another  pill  in  two  pails  of 
water  every  four  minutes.  Told  me  to  take 
half  of  another  pill  in  five  pails  of  water  evary 
two  minutes.  Took  two  pills  and  went  to  the 


.  Cwe  for  a  Cold.  125 

river.  Hired  a  boy  to  dip  up  and  pom  down. 
Emptied  the  river  in  ten  minutes.  Changed  my 
base  to  a  young  lake,  and  went  at  it  again.  Cold 
didn't  improve — that  is,  the  cold  didn't  improve 
me.  Went  home  mad.  Gave  fourteen  thousand 
pills  to  a  chap  who  pilfered  chickens  from  the 
barn.  He  still  lives. 

Another  doctor  told  me  to  take  calomel. 
Another  told  me  to  drink  hot  whiskey.  How  do 
you  like  that  ?  Two  good  doctors.  Glad  I  met- 
a-physics  in  such  spirits.  Sent  two  barrels  of 
whiskey  to  my  room.  First  tried  a  pint  of  hot 
whiskey.  It  loosened  my  eyes.  Then  I  tried  a 
pint  of  cold  whiskey.  It  fixed  them  all  right. 
Then  I  moved  with  great  vigilance  upon  a  pint 
of  hot  whiskey.  It  loosened  my  legs.  Then  I 
threw  my  left  flank  around  a  pint  of  cold  whis 
key.  Felt  better.  Then  I  tried  some  hot  whis 
key.  Fine  doctors.  Bather  like  them  both. 
Tried  some  more  cold  whiskey.  It  affected  my 
head,  somewhatly.  Tried  another  pint  of  hot 


123  Owe  for  a  Cold. 

whiskey.  Very  fine  doctors — know  just  how  to 
cure  a  cold.  Shall  employ  them  by  the  year. 
Tried  two  pints  of  cold  whiskey.  Began  to  feel 
better ;  felt  like  another  man.  Fine  doctors ;  I 
love  them  quitely.  Kept  on  with  the  whiskey  ; 
felt  like  three  or  four  new  men  ;  but  there  never 
lived  such  good  doctors.  Tried  half  a  quart  of 
cold  whiskey  mixed  with  half  a  quart  of  hot 
ditto.  Ditto  always  means  whiskey.  Felt  bet 
ter  ;  felt  like  a  company  of  new  men.  Tried  to 
get  in  line ;  formed  in  shape  of  a  hollow  square 
on  the  floor.  Took  some  more  whiskey ;  don't 
remember  whether  it  was  hot  or  cold,  or  cold  or 
hot.  Felt  much  better.  Passed  a  vote  of 
thanks  to  the  physicians ;  felt  better.  Drank  to 
their  health ;  got  the  whiskey  mixed.  Felt  like 
a  brigade  of  new  men.  Tried  to  surround  my 
enemy.  Moved  upon  his  works,  and  he  gave  me 
bottle.  Took  another  position.  Threw  my  en 
tire  corps  to  the  front.  Attacked  the  com 
missary  camp,  and  took  a  pint  of  whiskey  pris- 


Owe  for  a  Cold.  127 

oner.  Fine  doctors;  like  their  way  of  curing 
colds.  A  good  way ;  was  five  days  proving  it 
to  be  a  good  way.  Hair  pulls  a  little,  but  it  waa 
on  account  of  the  cold.  They  said  I'd  feel  like  a 
new  man,  and  I  believe  them.  When  you  have 
ft  cold,  try  the  new  style. 

Spiritually, 

"  BRICK  "  POMEEOT. 


CHAPTER   XV. 

"BRICK'   POMEROY  SENDS  THE  PRESIDENT  HIS 
ANN-ALICE. 

OTHINGr  like  being  known  as  a  scien 
tific  personage.  Abraham  read  that  I 
had  struck  "  Peter,"  and  forthwith,  on 
returning  from  the  Peace  Conference,  thus  ar 
rested  my  attention : 

WHITE  HOUSE,  Feb.  12,  '65. 

"Successful  ' Brick ;' — Your  striking  'Pete' 
reminds  me  of  a  little  story,  and  you  are  hereby 
authorized  to  march  upon  some  oil  section, 
examine  the  country,  find  oil,  analyze  it,  and 
report  forthwith  to  me.  You  will  travel  incog., 
at  owner's  risk,  at  your  own  expense,  and  I  will 


Sends  the  President  his  Ann-Alice.      129 

Bettle  the  bill.      See  in  your  explorations  that 
nobody  is  hurted.  A.  LINCOLN." 

Protected,  authorized,  and  commanded  by  this 
document,  set  out,  armed  with  witch  hazel-rods, 
a  large  gimlet,  a  string  of  auger  holes  to 
drive  down,  pair  of  opera  glasses,  the  amnesty 
oath  with  sugar  in  it,  pair  of  brogans  reaching  to 
the  knees,  four  reams  of  foolscap,  a  trunk  full  of 
greenbacks,  cigar  box  full  of  clothes,  and  much 
rectitude  in  those  heart  of  mine  concerning  the 
Petrolia  Bory  Alis,  for  which  I  was  to  make 
light  for  this  wicked  world.  Arrived  on  the  spot 
which  General  Dix  once  proposed  to  shoot  a  man 
on,  I  pitched  my  tent,  took  the  oath  diluted  with 
hot  water  and  sugar,  became  intent  on  the  bore, 
and  proceeded  with  my  procedure.  First  went 
through  the  rod,  nature's  greenbacks  when  the 
m  >on  is  right. 

At  fifty  feet,   struck    a    strata    of   Egyptian 

marble,   in   whiv.h   dead    Ethiopian  frogs,   mer- 
6* 


130      Sends  the  President  his  Ann-Alice. 

maids,  and  such  works  of  art  were  imbedded 
and  petrified  with  astonishment.  At  seventy 
feet,  passed  through  a  deserted  Indian  village. 
At  ninety  feet,  struck  a  balloon  which  had 
Chinese  hieroglyphics  on  the  bottom,  bound  up. 
At  ninety-six  feet,  bored  through  a  country 
school-house,  where  a  girl  of  nineteen  sat  in  a 
petrified  state,  oiling  her  hair  with  petroleum. 
At  one  hundred  and  ten  feet,  passed  two  doga 
imbedded  in  solid  rock,  guarding  a  baby,  which 
evidently  had  been  rocked  to  sleep,  as  it'  was 
exceedingly  much  dead !  Twenty  feet  further 
down,  an  obstacle  so  hard  presented  itself  that  I 
could  not  drive  the  auger  hole,  so  was  obliged  tc 
resort  to  a  yard  of  drilling.  Brought  up  a  little 
wool,  some  thick  pieces  of  skull,  from  which  I 
was  led  to  the  belief  that  I  had  struck  the  head 
of  a  sable  son  of  Ham.  If  so,  I  beg  the  pardon 
of  the  defunct  Hammer. 

At  the  depth  of  two  hundred  feet  I  struck  a 
cooper  shop,  and  from  this  judged  oil  was  not  far 


Sends  the  President  his  Ann-Alice.     131 

j&elow,  so  advanced  with  caution.  Ten  feet 
further  down  1  ran  into  a  gin-mill,  and  felt  in 
better  spirits.  At  the  depth  of  two  hundred  and 
fifty  feet,  struck  a  bottle  of  old  rye.  I  knew  civ 
ilization  was  not  far  distant,  and  waited.  Soon 
a  reliable  contraband  came  along,  and  said  I 
was  oil  right,  and  by  urging  my  auger  holes 
thirty  feet  farther  into  the  stomach  of  the  earth, 
I  should  be  rewarded.  I  never  can  forget  the 
debt  of  gratitude  to  this  poor,  down-trodden 
brother,  who  so  kindly  was  unto  me,  and  who  I 
love  so  very  much!  Reliable  contraband!  I 
caressed  him  sweetly  for  the  feminine  half  of  his 
immediate  ancestry,  and  drove  on  with  my  bore ! 
I  passed  several  valuable  sections  of  farming 
land,  rivalling  the  prairies  of  Illinois;  a  few 
stratas  of  property  resembling  Connecticut  stone 
fence;  some  loyal  streaks,  which  proved  to  be 
coal ;  several  gold  and  silver  lodes ;  sand 
stone  and  slate  enough  to  furnish  all  of 
Brigham  Young's  children  ;  salt  water,  in  tiers, 


132     Sends  the  President  his  Ann- Alice. 

and  a  variety  of  photographic  views  of  eminent 
roosters  belonging  to  this  or  to  some  ether  world. 

At  the  depth  of  two  hundred  and  eighty  feet, 
I  struck  a  rich  vein  of  patriotism.  I  looked  for 
the  model  military  man,  Butler,  as  I  went  down ; 
but  met  some  victims  coming  up,  who  said  he 
was  down  so  low  that  no  mortal  could  reach 
him,  no  matter  how  fast  he  drove  his  bore.  Six 
feet  further  down  I  struck  a  box  of  Continental 
currency,  on  which  green  mildew  was  rapidly 
gathering;  and  several  settlements  of  freed 
negroes,  relieved  from  bondages  since  the  war 
began. 

At  the  depth  of  three  hundred  and  seven  feet 
nine  inches  and  a  fraction  over  a  fifteenth,  I 
struck  Pete  very  much  in  the  crude  state,  and 
now  glory  in  a  well  which  spurts  seven  hundred 
barrels  of  crude,  and  nine  hundred  barrels  of 
refined  petroleum,  every  six  minutes.  And  the 
well  is  not  yet  in  active  operation.  On  analyz 
ing  the  precious  liquid,  I  find  it  to  contain,  in 


Sends  the  President  his  Ann-Alice.     133 


the  crude  state,  two  thousand  parts,  as  followeth^ 
to  wit: 


Peter 2 

Oleum 4 

Oil 3 

Diamond  dust  ....  20 
Store  clothes  .  .  .  .19 

High  living 86 

Patriotism 1 

Past  horses 70 

Brown  stone  house  .  .  64 
Champagne  suppers  .  .  90 
Headache  next  morning  95 

Crinoline 21 

Cushioned  pews   ...  14 


Nigger  boarding-house .  65 

Opera 18 

Country  residence     .    .  22 
Good  opinion  of  neigh 
bors     300 

Greenbacks.  .  .  .  700 
Watering-places  .  .  100 
Internal  revenue  ...  2 
Neglect  of  poor  relatives  19 
Hilarious  nights  ...  26 
Poodle  dogs  and  ser 
vants  30 

Genuine  comfort   .     ,     800 


Style 11 

Total  Ann- Alices 2,000 

I  have  tried  the  crude  Peter  in  my  family  with 
most  gratifying  results.  It  is  good  for  all  the 
ills  flesh  has  an  heir  to,  and  a  margin  over  for  to 
morrow.  It  will  cure  croup,  plumbago,  chronic 
inebriation,  Dutch  Gap  Canalp,  corns,  onions, 


134:     Sends  the  President  his  Ann-Alice. 

leaks  in  boots,  sore  hoad  (for  politicians),  fe\  ers 
of  all  kinds,  cancer  on  the  pocket,  bald-headed- 
ness,  tight  boots,  and  is  the  great  instantaneous 
cure  for  all  poverty,  even  in  the  most  hopeless 
stages,  or  on  foot,  for  that  matter.  Applied  ac 
cording  to  directions,  it  will  sweep  carpets,  write 
letters,  play  faro,  drive  fancy  horses,  read  late 
novels,  visit  opera,  cause  hair  to  grow  on  a  boot 
heel,  cut  finger-nails,  answer  the  door-bell,  un 
lock  hearts,  brush  clothes,  mend  watches,  make 
champagne  cocktails,  edit  newspapers,  collect  old 
bills,  embroider  cloaks,  pick  out  the  best  cuts  ic 
market,  sweep  the  streets,  pick  teeth  on  steps  of 
fashionable  hotels,  make  stump  speeches,  deliver 
lectures,  kiss  all  the  girls,  cut  out  ladies'  slippers, 
catch  a  pickerel,  run  a  steamboat  on  the  Upper 
Mississippi  in  time  of  drouth,  write  obituaries  for 
Bethel  fishermen,  elect  second-rate  men  to  office, 
shut  up  your  neighbors'  eyes  and  mouths,  and  all 
on  one  application. 

The  refined   article  is  still  more   wonderful 


Sends  the  President  his  Ann-Alice.      IBS 

Applied  gently,  it  will  paint  a  lady's  cjieek, 
plumpify  her  fair  form  and  figure,  play  the 
piano,,  ornament  the  walls,  cure  drunkenness, 
secure  prayers  from  the  clergy,  make  old  clothes 
as  good  as  new,  cure  fits,  gout,  blues,  repinings ; 
put  marble  floors  in  dwelling-houses,  match 
horses,  color  gray  hair  and  whiskers  jet  black, 
varnish  faults  invisible,  and  keep  pocket  full 
of  cash.  There  is  no  perfume  like  it  in 
the  world,  especially  in  the  crude  state  ! 

I  find  also  that  for  the  cure  of  broken  hearts 
it  has  no  equal.  Two  doses  will  cure  a  boy  of 
using  tobacco.  Applied  with  a  feather,  it  will 
saw  wood,  hoe  corn,  pour  molasses  on  hot  pan 
cakes,  dodge  behind  the  door  after  kissing 
another  man's  wife,  husk  oysters,  divorce  clam 
shells,  crack  butternuts  in  farmer-boy  style, 
hatch  chickens  from  wooden  eggs,  shut  hot  stove 
doors,  cure  jealousy,  mend  burnt  dresses,  frizzle 
aair,  teach  a  minister  to  make  short  prayer* 


136     Sends  tJie  President  his  Ann- Alice. 

when  there  are  no  cushions  on  the  pew  seats, 
give  fashionable  children  lessons  in  politeness, 
pay  salaries  of  country  preachers  more  promptly 
and  protect   army  chaplains  from  camp   evils 
It  will  also  solve  chess  problems,  point  horse 
nails  as  well  as  jokes,  make  cider,  and  play  the 
violin. 

From  developments  being  made,  I  expect  to 
be  able  in  a  week  to  report  that:  add  to  the 
comfort  of  boarding-houses,  carpet  church 
aisles,  soften  sleeping-car  berths,  keep  tobacco- 
chewers  from  soiling  carpets,  restore  peace,  lessen 
the  price  of  gold,  bolster  up  damaged  reputa 
tions,  marry  old  maids,  find  homes  for  war 
widows,  make  conductors  honest,  keep  women 
from  gossip,  curl  straight  hair,  and  give  free 
passes  on  all  railroads.  Such  is  my  Ann- Alice 
of  Peter  Oleum.  With  assurances  of  my  most 
formidable  distinguished  consideration,  and  the 
highest  personal  regard  for  Your  Highness,  and 


Sends  the  President  his  Ann- Alice.     137 

hoping  these  few  lines,  which  I  take  my  pen  in 
hand  to  hope  you  will  enjoy  the  same  blessing 
I  have  the  pleasure  to  submit  my  Ann- Alice  for 
Oil  for  Science. 

"  BKICK  "  POMEBOY 


CHAPTEE    XYI. 


"  BKIOK  "    AND   KALISTA. 

r  "&~u 

(HOSE  other  girl  of  ours,  as  we  are  in 
formed  by  letter,  has  done  gone  and 
got  well  locked  unto  a  tinkerist  of 
the  gospel  who  attends  prayer-meetings,  swaps 
horses,  stands  chaplain  in  the  army,  and 
gets  drunk  on  the  sly!  Oh,  dear!  This  is 
much  misery  1  Wherefore  shall  we  flea  go 
unto  now?  How  we  used  to  do  courting  for 
those  girl.  Candy,  .peanuts,  lozenges,  pepper 
mint  drops,  little  balls  of  honey-soap,  night 
blooming  for  seriousness,  and  such  evidences, 
did  we  pour  into  them  lap  of  hers  whereon 


"JSrick"  and  Xalista.  139 

at  vesper  chimes  this  head  of  ours  did  erst  so 
Bweeterly  rest.  Oh,  dear!  'Twas  all  O  K — 
lista ! 

"We  used  to  blacken  our  boots,  starch  oui 
hair,  grease  our  shirt,  and  curl  our  eyebrows 
for  them  girl.  And  we  rode  horse  for  her 
paternal  derivative  to  cultivate  corn ;  and  wo 
milked  the  brindle  heifer  as  what  no  other  boy 
could  milk ;  and  we  split  oven-wood — and  who 
would  not  ? — for  her  ma. 

And  at  night,  when  bats  came  forth,  and 
tumble-bugs  crawled  over  the  lea,  and  young 
pullets  sat  in  maiden  meditation  fancy  free, 
holding  their  head  under  one  wing  so  as  to 
learn  love  by  hearing  their  hearts  beat,  we 
would  hasten  under  Kalista's  window,  and  she 
would,  with  her  lily-white  hand,  snail  us  up  by 
the  hair  till  we  arrived  at  the  bower  of  love, 
as  she  called  her  garret.  'Twas  thus  our  hair 
became  less,  and  our  confectionery  for  Kalista 
increased. 


UO  "Brick  "  and  Kalista. 

"When  the  week  had  busted  on  the  rock  cf 
Saturday  night,  we  used  to  wander  by  the  brook 
let  and  let  the  brook  wander,  too.  And  .Kalista 
went  forth  with  us.  Hand  in  hand,  like  the 
Siamese  twinsters,  we  roamed,  and  sat  on  the 
dewy  bank  to  catch  colds  in  our  heads,  and  lux 
uriate  on  the  "  bank  wet  with  dew  !  "  And  we 
used  to  recline  against  a  fatherly  or  motherly  elm 
tree,  and  squeeze  our  each  other's  hands  as  we 
rolled  our  eyes  and  peeked  upward  into  the  blue 
vault  our  spirits  longed  to  vault  into,  but  didn't. 
Oh,  this  sparking  is  Heaven  in  two  earthly  vol 
umes,  with  the  price-mark  omitted !  Did  you 
ever  spark  ?  If  not,  advance  your  works  upon  a 
female  crinoline-dear,  and  commence  active  hos 
tilities  to  oncet. 

Once  we  sparked  Kalista  when  her  mother 
was  looking.  The  old  lady  stopped  us,  'cause  it 
reminded  her  of  other  times,  she  said.  But  she 
didn't  keep  us  stopped.  When  we  wanted  to  re 
pose  our  head,  Kalista  held  her  lap,  and  into  it 


"Brick  "  (md  Kalista.  141 

we  went  like  an  apple.  When  we  wanted  a 
kiss,  we  told  Kalista  such  was  our  desire,  when 
she  would  lean  her  amber  head  over  upon  oui 
forces,  and  say :  "  Now,  '  Brick,'  tea  is  ready." 
You  jest  can  gamble  we  took  tea  from  that  little 
table  lots  of  times,  and  never  asked  any  one  to 
help  put  back  the  plates  !  Kalista  was  a  zephyr 
on  the  kiss.  It  was  pretty  near  her  best  holt. 
Making  much  was  Kalista's  charm.  When  the 
water  would  boil,  how  she  did  sprinkle  meal 
into  the  iron — iron — recepteakettle,  and  shake 
her  locks  in  glee  to  see  the  infant  mush  bubble 
and  splutter  like  a  fellow  kissing  a  baby  with 
his  mouth  full  of  beechnuts, 

We  courted,  sparked,  and  courted  Kalista 
seventeen  long  years.  She  grew  from  sighs  to 
greater  size,  and  all  went  merrily  as  a  funeral 
bell.  Kalista's  maternal  author  said  we  might, 
and  we  intended  to.  We  sat  on  rail  fences, 
end  boards  to  wagon-boxes,  piles  of  pumpkins, 
heaps  of  potatoes,  door-steps,  saw-logs,  plough 


1 42  "Brick  "  mid  Katista. 

beams,  pine-stumps,  where  we  told  our  love, 
and,  in  anticipation,  combed  our  hair,  peeled 
our  potatoes,  chopped  our  hash,  rocked  our — 
well,  never  mind — wore  our  old  clothes,  except 
when  we  had  company,  and  waxed  fat  on  love 
and  sich.  Kalista's  father  said  we  might,  and 
there  again  we  had  things  bagged.  We  counted 
our  calves,  and  weighed  our  pork,  and  sold  our 
veal,  and  churned  our  little  mess  of  butter, 
and  took  cur  wool  to  market,  and  put  up  our 
little  preserves,  and  revelled  in  that  future  which 
is  so  much  like  an  oyster — more  shell  than 
meat. 

One  day  a  baulky  steer  slung  one  of  his  back 
hoofs  in  among  the  old  gent's  waistband,  and 
after  a  series  of  severe  discomfort,  the  old 
rooster  went  hence  in  February,  when  we  all 
followed  with  a  march !  Kalista  was  a  sensi 
tive  plant,  measuring  fifty-nine  inches  around 
afflictions,  and  so  we  murdered  the  steer,  and 
made  him  into  smoked  beef.  And  at  suppor 


ck"  cmd KaUsta.  143 

table,  and  as  we  lunched  between  the  heavy 
courting,  we  chawed  the  beef,  and  thus  Kalista 
and  us  got  satisfaction  from  the  juvenile  ox 
who  steered  his  foot  so  wickedly. 

Then  Kalista's  mother,  who  would  not  par 
take  of  the  beef,  took  cold  in  her  head,  and 
went  hence.  It  was  autumn — one  of  the  fall 
months.  The  mother  of  our  heart's  poison — as 
we  family-arly  called  Kalista — was  of  an  inquir 
ing  disposition.  She  always  asked  numerous 
things.  She  asked  the  egg  man  if  chickens 
abided  in  the  shells  of  the  hen-fruit  she  bought. 
She  wanted  to  know  why  rounds  were  put  in 
ladders  crosswise  instead  of  up  and  down.  She 
wanted  to  know  why  pants  were  made  so  that 
a  man  could  not  take  them  off  over  his  head. 
She  said,  in  her  innocence,  that  an  eclipse  waa 
caused  by  a  nigger  convention  between  her  and 
the  moon !  But  why  the  moon  fulled  rathei 
busted  the  venerable  mother  of  our  Kalista, 
and  she  sought  to  study  it  out.  She  read  Da 


14A  "Brick  "  and  KaUsta. 

boll's  Arithmetic,  Sands'  Spelling-book,  Robinson 
Crusoe,  and  the  La  Crosse  DEMOCEAT;  but  she 
could  not  get  her  fork  into  the  reason.  The 
old  lady  read  in  an  almanac  that  on  a  certain 
night  the  moon  would  full.  We  went  to  see 
Kalista  that  night,  to  see  if  our  love  would 
full.  The  old  lady  determined  to  watch  it  and 
see  how  a  moon  fulled,  and  when  it  fulled,  and 
what  for  did  it  full.  Night  came,  and  she  wrap 
ped  one  leg  of  a  pair  of  red  flannel  drawers 
about  her  head,  and  when  all  in  the  house  was 
still,  she  emerged  into  the  sitting-room,  and 
in  her  antique  costume.  The  old  lady  says : 
"Brick,  your  supper  is  ready  1"  So  we  went 
into  the  parlor,  and  kissed  the  hours  away 
Yery  fine  supper  I 

The  old  lady  took  an  almanac,  a  New  York 
Directory,  and  a  tallow  candle  out  on  the  back 
etoop.  She  anchored  in  a  big  chair,  and  waited 
to  see  the  moon  change  its  clothes.  She  looked, 
and  looked,  and  at  last  fell  asleep  for  a  moment, 


"Brick  "  <md  Kalista.  145 

when,  as  she  said,  the  darned  thing  itp  and 
fulled,  and  she  didn't  see  it ! 

She  was  not  an  observing  female,  out  she 
never  lost  any  children.  Yet,  for  all  that,  the 
moon  worried  her — her  candle  went  out.  Ka- 
lista  was  left  to  be  her  own  mother,  or  do  with 
out.  Kalista  took  grief  very  healthy.  She  wore 
mourning,  and  looked  well,  as  she  wept  because 
the  jeweller  did  not  get  her  mourning-pin  done 
in  time.  She  ironed  a  new  cotton  handkerchief 
on  the  coffin  lid,  so  as  to  have  some  use  of  the 
furniture  ere  it  was  knocked  down,  and  was 
ready  to  wedlock  then.  Kalista  was  lonesome 
when  her  authors  were  gone,  and  we  should  have 
wedded  but  for  the  looks  of  the  thing. 

Then  there  came  from  the  war  a  journeyman 
converter,  and  he  offered  Kalista  all  he  had,  at 
once.  And  Kalista,  being  a  lonesome  girl,  said 
she  would,  and  she  did.  And  her  and  the  good 
man  went  to  the  carpenter's  and  ordered  a 

graveyard  fence  for  the  loved  relatives,  and  the 

7 


146  "Brick"  <md  Kalista. 

worker  of  wood  threw  in  a  cradle,  and  the  pail 
wedded  at  once,  and  now  Kalista  is  telling  some 
other  delegate  that  "supper  is  ready!"  And 
thus  another  of  onr  hopes  is  spilled  over  life's 
precipice,  and  we  are  left  to  mourn  for  the 
candy  we  gave  nnto  Kalista,  who  has  left  ns  all 
alone  for  to  die  1 


CHAPTER    XYII. 
"  BRICK  "  POMEBOY'S  EVENING  WITH  ARION. 

said  come!  The  C.  T.  was  not 
enveloped  in  mystery,  but  in  a  white 
envelope,  as  all  complimentary  tickets 
should  be.  Grand  fancy  dress  ball.  Academy 
of  Music,  wit,  fashion,  shoddy,  petroleum,  and 
pretty  faces,  masked  batteries,  and  such!  Did 
you  ever  ?  In  this  ungodly  settlement  dwells  a 
charmer.  An  angelic  charmer  of  the  gentler 
persuasion.  She  wears  hoops.  Nineteen  springs 
have  fallen  over  her  head.  Those  dear  head, 
which  so  erst  has  reposed  on  the  stalwartest  of  all 
arms  known  in  the  "  Brick  "  family.  Angelic, 


14:8         "Bmctfs  "  Evening  with  Anon. 

said  you  ?  "We  went  to  costumer's.  Much  display 
of  variety.  I  went  E  Pluribus  ISTaturalibus,  with 
mask.  Angelic  dressed  gassy,  with  white  skirt, 
pink  gaiters,  corn-colored  white  kids,  red  ribbon 
in  muchness,  hair  widely  and  vehemently  frizzled, 
and  a  papier-mache*  mask,  which  got  mashed  over 
her  face,  to  the  great  damage  of  the  rouge,  who 
BO  loves  to  linger  about  your  lips,  you  know. 
We  went  to  the  ball.  Man  with  a  bear's  head 
and  a  three-tailed  ape  took  tickets.  Angelic  and 
I  went  in  on  the  roll.  Gorgeousness  of  raiment, 
and  much  elevation  of  head,  as  though  we  had 
each  a  breast-pin  made  from  crude  petroleum ; 
ikirmished  to  the  front,  advanced  masked  battery 
to  the  stage,  flanked  a  brace  of  pretty  girls  with 
No.  2  gaiters,  encamped  in  a  corner  of  the  Arion 
platform,  took  Ange's  hands  in  one  or  two  of  my 
hands,  and  began  to  grow  delirious  with  pleas 
ure.  Ange  is  a  sweet  girl,  and  each  returning 
vernal  ripens  the  love  which  ripens  on  her  tulips, 
as  pitch  oozeth  from  bark  in  pine  tree.  And 


"Brick's  "  Evenmg  with  Arion.        149 

when  it  comes  to  sweetness  they  do  say  there  ii 
much  iri  I  to  admire,  bat  it  is  not  as  yet  gen 
erally  known.  Ange  has  taken  a  working  inter 
est,  and  intends  developing  the  property  even 
ings,  when  the  rose  sleeps  and  two  lips  waken. 
But  why  this  digression?  Yes.  "Why  this  di? 
"We  sat.  There  was  an  uproariousness  of  music 
right  and  left.  There  was  an  army  of  beauty  in 
the  galleries.  Yea,  there  was  great  beauty  in  the 
gals !  And  at  the  stage — when  we  went  on  the 
stage — there  were  boisterous  boys  on  the  plat 
form  clad  in  all  the  queerness  of  ridiculous 
ness.  That  ball  seemed  like  a  living  edition  of 
Babel,  or  Aldricht's  "Baby  Bell."  It  seemed 
like  a  modern  Congress  in  full  blast,  the  more  so 
as  several  innocent  ducks,  resembling  human 
mourning  goods,  were  to  be  seen  in  the  scene. 
"We  sat  and  gazed.  Ange  is  good  on  the  gaze. 
Pretty  soon  a  huge  rooster  offered  his  arm  to  the 
girl,  and  she  cackleated  she'd  wander  with  him. 
He  comes  it  over  me  very  fowl!  I  hitched  in 


]  50        "JBrick's  "  Evening  with  Arum. 

with  a  Swiss  peasant  girl  with  a  milk-pail 
Charming  little  Swiss,  Asked  her  in  Swiss,  "  Wilt 
prenode?"  Answered  she  in  Teuton,  "Yah!' 
Just  then  the  brass  band  began  to  toot  on,  and 
we  walked.  Run* against  soldier.  Soldier  mar 
scowled.  Run  against  two  clowns  turning  flip 
flaps.  Nobody  hurt.  This  is  quoted!  Run 
against  many  people.  Did  not  like  the  jam. 
No  preserves  in  such  jams !  Took  a  lean  against 
private  box  with  girl.  Chinese  juggler,  with  a 
tail  on  his  head  like  a  bovine's  narrative,  ad 
Vftnced  and  enraptured  my  little  diary  to  waltz 
with  him.  All  right ;  I  hunted  for  Ange.  Just 
then  a  tall  duck  with  black  leggins,  red  vest, 
steel  helmet,  cross-bars  on  his  back,  and  huge 
gloves,  waltzed  by  with  my  Ange  in  his  arms. 
I  waxed  wroth.  'Twas  not  for  that  I  went  to 
Bee  Arion — his  ball.  The  music  was  fine.  The 
black  knight,  who  might  have  been  black  ag 
night,  or  a  good  fellow,  waltzed  well ;  but,  lordy, 
how  vigorously  he  voted  on  the  hugging  ques 


"BricUs  "  Evening  with  Avion.        151 

tion!  Around  they  went,  dodging,  bobbing, 
whirling,  darting,  and  scooting  to  the  right  and 
left,  his  arms  making,  in  the  language  of  the 
Psalmist,  the  waist  places  glad  1  Didn't  I  wish 
those  arms  were  my  arms?  Then  a  herculean 
Indian  grabbed  my  Ange  and  whirled  her  off  in 
the  forest  of  humanity ;  his  arms  about  her  waist, 
and  my  heart  growing  wild  with  rage — for  I 
can't  dance.  And  that  was  a  funny  Indian.  He 
never  got  tired — at  least  he  did  not  pant !  Oh, 
dear!  If  this  fun  is  not  original,  it  is  worse — 
aboriginal.  Waltzing  is  sweet;  but  darn  your 
hugging — when  some  one  else  is  hugging  your 
girl !  That's  what's  the  matter ! 

In  the  jam  I  lost  Ange.  I  saw  everybody 
and  everything  else.  Dukes  and  dukesses,  nuns 
and  nunesses,  kings  and  kingesses,  clowns, 
Yankees,  fat  boys,  Chinese,  Indians,  priests, 
warriors,  horse-jockeys,  pill-doctors,  demijohns, 
photograph  shops,  lobsters,  pirates,  ballet  girls, 
dominos,  cowls,  and  all  manner  of  disguises, 


152         "Brick's  "  Evenmg  with  Arion. 

but  no  Ange !  Pretty  soon,  in  a  fit  of  desper 
andum,  I  froze  to  a  pink  skirt  with  a  blue  mask 
She  was  dressed  like  a  poet.  We,  arm  in  arm, 
did  wonders.  I  bent  my  head  low,  and  in 
gentle  tone  and  manner  said: 

Gentle  maiden,  wilt  thou  tell 
This  stranger  where  thou  dost  dwell  ? 
Give  me  thy  name,  and  who  thou  art, 
And  rapture  bring  my  beating  heart. 

And  thus  gently  she  spoke :  "  Nix  for-stay.'' 

Good-by,  poor  Dutchess!  I  have  entangled 
sleeves  with  a  queen  of  night,  whose  pensive 
brow  and  heaving  breast  caused  me  to  think, 
love  her  I  must.  "We  promenaded.  Gently  she 
poised  her  two  hundred  pounds  avoirdupois  on 
my  arm,  and  now  her  fat  fingers  rested  on  mine, 
Poetry  seized  me,  and  I  gently  remarked : 

Come  to  the  heart  for  you  now  aching — 
Come,  raise  that  deep  mask,  that  I  may  behold 

The  beauty  of  her  I  round  here  am  taking, 
And  on  thee  I'll  squander  a  fortune  in  gold. 


s  "  Evening  with  Arion.        153 

And  she  replied  in  sweet  accents,  "Sprachen  ye 
Deitch?" 

I  gave  her  up,  and  made  for  a  gentle  nymph, 
or  nymphess,  with  magic  wand,  and  the  zodiac 
on  her  apron.  Said  I,  "  Wilt  walk  ?  "  and  she 
wilted.  She  was  fair,  else  she  had  not  masked. 
So  said  I,  "  Oh !  sweet  astrologer  lady,  wilt 
thou  tell  the  secrets  of  the  stars  for  me  ?  Tell 
me,  lovely  one,  if  I  am  to  wed  a  nymph  or 
a  nymphess ;  or  if  I  am  to  wander  through  time 
with  no  fond  soul  to  cheer  me  on  to  high  and 
noble  deeds,  and  no  dear  hand  to  comb  my  hair 
when  tight  ? "  And  she  said,  "  Mein  Gott  in 
Himmel ! " 

Yerily,  verily,  I  believe  all  Arion's  girls  are 
Dutchesses.  Then  I  made  love  to  a  neat  little 
sewing  girl,  and  she  raised  her  mask  to  show  me 
a  mustache  and  inquire  for  a  chew  of  tobacco. 
Sold!  And  the  jam  increased.  Tried  to  find 
Ange.  Might  as  well  look  for  patriotism  in  a 

bounty-jumper.      Tried   to    get    a    supper-room 

7* 


154:        "  Brick!  s  "  Evening  with  Avion. 

No  go.  Tried  to  get  out.  Impossible.  Nevel 
8aw  such  a  crowd.  Could  not  have  got  anothei 
person  in  the  building,  unless  melted  and  poured 
in  through  a  funnel.  Lost  my  mask,  mj  ccat- 
tail,  my  Ange,  and  my  shape.  Got  home  next 
morning  all  out  of  shape,  but  bound  to  see  Arion 
next  year,  if  Congress  will  pass  a  law  against 
waltzing  with  my  girl,  or  for  the  restoration  of 
the  angelic  partner  of  my  jammings  who  was 
lost  in  that  crowd.  I  am  foot-sore,  side-sore, 
and  badly  out  of  shape  ;  but  a  petroleum  vapor 
bath  will  bring  me  to  myself,  and  perhaps  bring 
back  my  Ange. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 
*  BRICK'  POMEROY'S  EXPERIENCE  AT  NIAGARA  FALL& 

f 
was  two  o'clock  when  I  got  there. 

We  went  to  the  International,  because 
I  wanted  to  get  inter  the  national  inn. 
George  Colburn,  the  best  and  best-looking 
hotelist  in  the  Northern  Confederacy,  is  at  the 
International,  and  he  is  the  chief  among  ten 
thousand  and  the  one  altogether  now,  three 
cheers  for  George. 

I  took  a  room.     That  is,  we  didn't  take  it 
.*way,  for  it  was  too  large  to  carry. 

in  a  hurry,  we  borrowed  a  candle  and 


156       "BricKs  "  Experience  at  Niagara. 

an  umbrella  and  went  forth  in  the  night  to  looli 
at  the  beauties  of  nature.  "Waterfalls  are  beau 
ties  of  nature.  Selah ! 

We  couldn't  see  it.  That  is  the  Falls.  The 
water  tumbled  over  so  fast  it  hid  the  falls.  Ni 
agara  is  a  great  tumbler.  There  are  several 
tumblers  full  of  it.  Next  week  they  are  to  shut 
off  at  7  P.  M.,  and  let  on  at  6  A.  M.,  except  on 
special  occasions.  This  will  save  water,  and  pre 
vent  folks  from  seeing  them  without  paying  foi 
them.  This  is  because  our  colored  brother 
fought  so ! 

We  went  to  our  room.  The  dam  roaring  out 
of  the  window  sounded  like  an  army  of  Feniana 
or  the  rushing  of  many  waters.  I  couldn't  sleep, 
so  we  raised  the  window  open  and  looked  on 
the  beauties  of  nature.  Bully  for  nate. 

After  a  while  tor  wo  I  fell.  That  is  we  fell 
asleep.  What  a  fall.  But  not  a  waterfall ! 

I  dreamed  of  tliee.  And  there  came  a  rapping 
upon  the  chamber.  That  is  to  say  upon  the  doo? 


V  Experience  at  Niagara.       157 

thereof.  It  was  made  of  glass  and  was  full  of 
cider,  with  lemon  rind  in  it  and  saccharine  about 
the  edges. 

"  Colbum's  comps." 

We  looked  to  see  what  it  was,  and  while 
looking  we  lost  sight  of  it.  But  to  memory  dear. 
'Twas  good.  We  sent  for  another.  It  came. 
Was  in  need  of  food.  Had  read  of  rinderpest  in 
cattle,  so  we  sent  for  another  glass  thing  full  of 
cider.  It  came.  'Twas  good.  Still  hungry. 
Thought  of  "  fish  bait "  in  pork.  Dare  not  eat 
pork.  Sent  for  another  glass  full  of  cider.  The 
curly-haired  cause  of  the  late  war  smiled. 
Drank  the  cider.  Felt  hungry.  Wanted  to  eat, 
but  the  plague  in  sheep  makes  mutton  dangerous. 
Couldn't  think  of  mutton,  so  we  tried  for  anothei 
glass  of  cider.  That  cider  never  saw  apples,  but 
it  must  have  been  made  in  a  cider  mill.  It 
made  our  head  think  of  the  way  the  horse  went 
round.  Still  hungry.  Dare  not  try  sausages 
Dogs  are  poisoned.  So  we  sent  for  another  glass 


J58      "BricKs"  Experience  at  Niagara. 

of  that,  of  Colburn.  Wanted  to  know  why  these 
things  were  thus.  Still  hungry.  Thought  of 
ordering  fish ;  but  they  are  poisoned  with  cocculua 
indicus.  Dare  not  try  fish,  for  fear  some  coroner 
would  have  to  officiate  on  account  of  the  fish  I 
ate.  That  is  a  scaly  pun — on  a  small  scale.  II 
the  somebody  will  spear  my  life,  I'll  never 
be  caught  on  that  line  again  by  hook  or  by 
crook. 

I  had  nine  of  those  beverages  in  one  hour. 
'Twas  on  account  of  our  thirst.  Thought  it  about 
time  to  arise  and  girdle  our  armor  on.  Must 
see  Niagara.  Unlike  gold,  the  more  it  falls  the 
better  it  pleases.  Didn't  feel  hungry.  Thought 
best  to  get  up.  Advanced  out  of  bed.  Thought 
I'd  take  bath.  Bath  brick  are  good ;  so  thought 
a  brick  bath  would  be  good.  Changed  our  mind. 
Sat  down  on  edge  of  bed.  Drew  on  one  leg  of 
drawers.  Felt  queer.  Tho  bed  had  changed 
sides.  Lopped  down  on  bed  to  hold  it  straight. 
Fulled  on  one  boot.  Put  on  vest.  Tried  to 


"Brick* 8  "  Experience  at  Nlaga/ra.      159 

get  night-shirt  off  after  vest  was  on.  Night 
Bhirt  beat  us.  Put  on  hat.  Put  on  other  boot. 
Tried  to  pull  drawer  on  over  boot.  Couldn't. 
Tried  to  put  on  stocking  without  taking  boot 
off.  Couldn't.  Rested.  Rang,  for  ice-water. 
Tried  to  button  paper  collar  to  bosom  studs. 
Collar  was  too  short.  Tried  to  put  pants  on 
over  head,  by  holding  our 'legs  close  together, 
It  is  an  impossibility !  Tried  to  get  suspendera 
under  vest  without  taking  vest  off.  Made  our 
hair  pull !  Singular  how  light  hair  will  pull. 
Tried  to  tie  necktie  with  one  end  over  our 
shoulder.  Rang  for  a  waiter  to  find  other  half 
of  necktie.  He  found  it !  Paid  waiter  a  ten- 
dollar  bill  by  mistake.  Tried  to  brush  our  teeth 
with  tooth-brush.  It  had  grown  so.  It  was  the 
nail-brush  !  How  our  hair  pulled  !  Pulled  it 
self.  Had  waiter  pour  ice-water  on  our  head. 
Had  him  rub  it.  Felt  better.  Niagara  Falli 
are  good  for  headaches!  Was  four  hours  in 
dressing.  Took  six  naps  while  dressing.  Notb 


160      "Brictfs  "  Experience  at  Niagara, 

ing  extra  about  our  wardrobe  either.     Simple 
and  short,  like  a  Fenian  war ! 

Went  to  dinner.  Lots  of  people  went  to  din 
ner.  "Was  not  severe  on  the  appetite,  but  we 
souped,  fished,  boiled,  baked,  roasted,  fricasseed, 
side -dished,  entr^ed,  relished,  pastried ;  was 
wined,  raisined,  appled,  oranged,  figged,  and 
nutted,  till  our  herculean  frame  felt  as  full  as 
those  head  did,  after  the  ninth  cock-tail  in  the 
A.M.  Then  a  genteel  artist,  of  brunette  cast  of 
features,  brought  us  a  blue  bowl  of  lemonade. 
A  pint  of  water,  one  little  piece  of  lemon  about 
the  size  of  a  coat  button,  and  a  small  towel.  A 
very  young  towel !  Following  the  example  of  a 
countryman  at  an  opposite  table,  we  drank  the 
lemonade,  but  it  was  too  thin  to  be  exhilarat 
ing !  Guess  it  wan't  a  good  day  for  lemonade 
Reckon  lemons  were  skirce ! 

Never  saw  so  much  water  for  sc  little  "  fruit ' 
before.  Great  watering-place— that  is,  for  lein 
onade. 


"Brietfa  "  Experience  at  Niagara,       161 

Then  I  went  out.  We  went  out.  Went 
out  to  look  at  the  Falls,  that  is  what  we  moan. 
Couldn't  see  the  Falls  in  the  House.  Wan't  a 
good  day.  At  least  Colburn  said  so,  and  he 
knoweth.  Went  out  with  our  sweethearts  to  see 
the  Falls.  Wanted  to  walk.  Wanted  to  rest  in 
that  way.  Stepped  out  of  the  house.  Turned 
the  corner. 

"  Howe  a  carriage  !  " 

"  No,  thank  you.  Ah,  my  dear,  how  beauti 
ful  this  is — here  is  the  bridge  to  Goat  Island — • 
no  goats  there  now,  however.  See  how  the 
mighty  current " — 

"  Have  a  carriage — drive  you  all  over  " — 

"  No,  thank  you.  The  mighty  current  breaks 
over  the  ledges  with  irresistible  force  to 
leap"— 

"  /  say,  mister,  will  you  have  a  carriage—  tafa 
you  and  your  " — 

"  No,  thank  you  ! " 

"Leap  over  the  awful    precipice  to  mingle 


162      "Brick's"  Experience  at  Niagara. 

with  the  green  waters  below.  Let  us  walk  uf 
this  way  tc  obtain  a  better  view  of"  — 

"Drive  you  all  about  the  Island  for  two  dol 
lars"— 

"No!" 

"  The  stream  as  it  makes  the  curve,  and  leapa 
along  to  its  death,  as  'twere." 

"How  beautiful!" 

"  Tes,  indeed  !  "We  will  cross  this  bridge  and 
go  down  to  Luna  Island,  where  we  can  hear  "  — 

"  Try  my  June  garriage,  Myneer.  It  is  shust 
der  pest  "  — 

"  No  —  nix  —  nein  !  " 

"The  roar  of  the  waters  as  they  seem  to 
say  "— 


dake  you  so  goot  aU  over  ter  falls  for 
a  tottar  !  " 

"No  —  nein  —  nix  —  no  —  don't  want  to  go  over 
ter  falls"— 

"Thunder  and  lightning  —excuse  me  —  but 
what  was  I  going  to  say  ?  " 


" Brick  s  "  Experience  at  Niagara.      163 

"And  from  here,  my  dear,  we  see  down  the 
river  to  the  Suspension  Bridge — can  see  the 
channel  worn  by  the  waters,  which  say  as  plain 
as  words  " — 

"  Want  a  carriage — drive  you  all  over  tht 
Island  for  a  dollar  !  " 

"  ISTo,  thank  you — prefer  to  stand  right  here  !  " 

"Can  speak  that  the  age  of  the  world  is 
greater  than  " — 

"A  description  of  all  the  points  of  interest^ 
only  fifty  cents  !  "  says  an  old  man  with  a  little 
book. 

"No,  thank  you — have  been  here  before! — 

""We  think  for.  Let  us  now  walk  up  the 
bank,  watch  the  rippling  waves  by  the  shore- 
gather  a  few  flowers — listen  to  the  roar  of  the 
wondrous  falls — rest  'neath  the  shade  of  these 
wide-spreading  branches,  and  drink  in  the 
beauties  of  this  wonderful  place.  Ah,  my  dear, 
here  is  a  little  shady  bower — the  grass  carpet  is 
rich,  green,  and  clean — here  is  a  rustic  bench— 


164      " Brick! s"  Experience  cut  Niagara. 

the  sun  cannot  find  us,  and  side  by  side  sitting 
we  will — 

Ragged  ~boy — "Show  yer  anything  you  want 
to  see  for  a  quarter  1 " 

"  Go  'way !  Wouldn't  give  a  quarter  to  see 
anything  we  want  to  see,  unless  it  is  you  in  the 
dim  distance !  Get ! 

"  Let  care  go  dancing  down  the  winds,  and 
forget  the  busy  world.  Keally,  this  is  worth  a 
long  journey.  And  now  let  us  go  over  to  the 
tower,  whose  base  is  washed  by  the  waters  which 
so  soon  leap  down  into  the  foaming  abyss,  never 
to  return.  What  fine  walks — what  beautiful 
drives,  what " — 

"Want  a  nice  carriage — drive  you  home  for 
half  a  dollar  !  " 

"  Yes  !    Just  wait  here  till  we  come  back !  " 

"  Can't  see  it ! " 

"  Splendid  views.  Across  there  is  Canada. 
That  is  the  Clifton  House,  the  great  Confederate 
leadquarters  during  the  late  war.  And  do  you 


"Brictfa  "  Experience  at  Niagara.      165 

see  tLe  crowd  of  red-coats  over  there  ? — the 
Queen's  Own,  on  the  Queen's  legs,  with  the 
Queen's  arms,  trembling  in  fear  of  the  '  blarsted 
Finnygans,'  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  you 
know!" 

"  Ah  !  they  are  preparing  for  evening  parade. 
We  hear  the  drum  and  fife,  we  almost  hear  " — 

"  Carriage^  sir  —  drive  you  back  for  thre& 
dollars.'" 

"  The  command  of  the  officers  as  they 
shout"— 

"  Carriage,  sir — drive  you  back  for  half  a 
dollar!" 

"  Fall  in,  men  ;  fall  in  for  evening  parade !  " 
(Touch  on  the  shoulder.) 

"  Have  a  carriage,  sir  —  your  lady  looks 
wearied  !  " 

"Yes — yes — YES,  in  GOD'S  name  YES.  Two 
carriages,  six  carriages — two  hundred  carriages — • 
a  thousand  carriages  —  balm  of  ten  thousand 
carriages,  and  we'll  ride  from  Harlem  to  ITalle- 


166      "Brictts  "  Experience  at  Niagara. 

hijah ;  from  Cape  Cod  to  the  irrepressible  con 
flict — from  six  p.  m.  to  a  bottle  of  claret,  if 
you'll  only  let  us  alone.  And  mind  you,  if  yen 
do  not,  I'll  spew  you  out  of  my  mouth  ;  I'll  teai 
thee  limb  from  limb ;  thy  mother  shall  gaze  in 
vain  on  thy  mangled  head  to  discover  traces  of 
her  whip-cracking  infant ;  I'll  make  your  eyes 
ache,  and  the  waste  places  of  the  earth  shall  tum 
ble  over  thy  short-haired  head  like  the  pictures 
of  Nineveh,  as  they  " — 

He's  gone  1  He  jumped  into  his  carriage, 
and  is  off  like  a  country  boy  for  a  doctor,  whip 
in  hand,  horses  on  the  run,  and  eye  thrown  over 
his  shoulder  as  if  struck  with  fear  ! 

And  now,  my  dear,  we  will  go  to  the  Her 
mit's  Cave — to  the  cave  of  the  winds — to  the 
ramble — through  the  brambles — to  the  curiosity 
stores — then  to  the  International,  and  rest  on  the 
lawn,  or  sip  a  claret  punch  and  be  happy. 
Yours,  at  the  Falls, 

"  POMEKOT. 


"Brick Js  "  Experience  at  Niagara.      167 

P.  S. — The  scared  driver  told  everybody  that 
we  are  crazy — mad — dangerous — and  he  offers 
to  bet  his  wehicle  'gainst  a  pint  of  cream  that 
we  will  jump  the  Falls  in  less  than  forty-eight 
hours. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

BRICK  "  POMEKOY  SKATETH  AT  THE  CENTRAL  PARK. 

j£ 

'WAS  there.      Carnival  on  Central  Park 

Skating  Pond.  Time — afternoon  and 
evening.  Occasion — superabundance  of 
ice.  Reason — much  skating.  Result — great  fan. 
Saw  it  in  the  papers.  Told  Jerusha  Mehitible 
my  head  ached.  J.  M.  is  the  sharer  of  my  woes. 
She  didn't  read  the  papers — didn't  know  of  the 
Carnival.  Head  grew  worse  and  more  worse- 
ly.  Told  J.  M.  I  would  go  for  doctor.  Ask 
ed  her  wouldst  she  if  her  head  ached.  An 
swered  she  me  then,  I  wouldst.  Therefore 


"Brick"  Skateth  at  Central  Park.     169 


I  wented.  Head  didn't  ache,  however. 
forth.  Walked  slowly  around  two  corners  for 
fear  one  wouldn't  be  enough.  Took  passage 
with  (tecar.  Advanced  with  Oscar  to  the  Car 
nival.  Marched  with  vigor  to  the  gate.  All 
right  Then  skirmished  to  left  in  the  direc 
tion  of  Carnival.  Verily,  verily,  big  thing. 
Two  bands  played  music  while  many  girls 
went  forth  to  skate.  Delicate  business,  that 
skating!  Gazed  with  admiration  on  the  evolu- 
ting  crowd  who  were  toying  on  the  bosom  of 
skating  pond.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Avenue  were 
there  in  carriages.  The  Avenue  girls  were 
there.  Nice  girls.  One  sweet  little  dumpling 
said:  "Please  give  me  a  hand  till  I  get  on 
the  ice?"  I  gave  both  hands,  and  when  we 
reached  the  glassiness  thereof,  and  she  told 
me  she  was  "  on  it,"  how  my  heart  jumped 
as  her  heart  smiled  so  sweetly  into  mine  own. 
J.  M.  didn't  trouble  me  even  in  thought,  then! 

Just    as   I    helped    my  angel   with    pink  skirt 
8 


170      "  Brick  "  STcateth  at  Central  Park. 

and  striped  hose  on  the  ice,  she  scooted  from 
me  like  a  bird  on  wing,  so  to  speak.  I  gazed 
and  she  went.  Then  I  fell  back  to  the  recep- 
tion-rooin. 

One  of  the  Avenue  girls,  with  another  one, 
came  in  with  fun  in  their  eyes,  paint  on  their 
cheeks,  curls  on  their  hair,  fancy  skating-rings 
on  their  bodices,  and  skates  in  bags  on  their 
arms.  I  offered  to  put  skates  on  for  them ;  offer 
was  accepted.  Goodness  !  did  you  ever  hold  the 
foot  of  an  Avenue  girl  in  your  lap  and  gently 
squeeze  the  little  toes  of  the  little  foot  in  the 
flurry  of  getting  the  skate  to  fit  ?  Oh !  dear,  it's 
fun !  And  such  short  skirts,  and  such  pretty  Bal 
moral  hose,  like  little  barber-poles  of  flesh,  blood, 
lightning,  and  electricity!  Helped  many  skates 
on  to  many  feet  of  the  Avenue  girls.  Large 
family  of  girls ;  one  of  them  gave  I  half  a  dollar 
for  skating  her.  Got  tired  of  the  exercise,  went 
to  office,  gave  a  man  half  dollar  for  -ise  of  skates ; 
paid  boy  ten  cents  to  strap  them  on,  and  ambled 


"  Briuk  "  Skateth  at  Central  Park.      171 

forth  to  join  the  whirling  throng.  Skating  ia 
not,  in  the  present  year  of  our  Lord,  my  best 
forte.  But  strong  heart  said  "  Go  it ! "  Obeyed 
injunction,  and  went  it.  Gracious,  but  how 
easy !  Just  like  falling  off  a  log — only  a  little 
heavier  on  the  fall.  Fine  exercise.  Many  boys 
and  girls  mirthed  audibly  to  see  me  glide  rap 
idly  up  the  pond ;  and,  in  trying  to  dodge  two 
hundred  and  fifty  pounds  of  skates,  in  short 
hoops  and  red  boots,  inserted  one  leg  in  an  air 
hole.  Yery  moist  was  that  are  hole.  Got  out 
with  agility,  and  help  of  a  shinny  club,  and  went 
on.  Just  as  I  started,  a  sweet  little  chicken,  in 
blue  jacket,  striped  apron,  streaked  hose,  and 
velvet  cap,  darted  past,  and  said,  "  Catch  me." 
Then  I  urged  my  mad  career  on  to  a  close — or 
toward  the  animate  clothes  which  was  so  swiftly 
on  the  glide.  She  dodged,  and  I  dodged.  Met  a 
long  rooster  with  eye-glasses,  side-whiskers,  bob 
tail  coat,  fancy  skates,  limber  legs,  and  a  lisp. 
He  yelled,  "Take  care,  fellah !"  And  we  both 


172      "  Brick  "  Skateth  at  Central  Park. 

dodged  the  same  way.  I  slanted  the  right  skate 
a  point  to  windward;  bobtail  anchored.  "All 
right,"  said  I,  and  passed  on.  Lost  the  blue 
jacket  and  striped  apron  in  the  ni^lee.  Met 
timber  legs  on  a  limp.  He  wanted  an  apology  ; 
BO  did  I.  "We  parted  in  coldness,  and  he  with 
a  contusion  on  his  head. 

.The  music  kept  playing  itself.  The  crowd 
kept  arriving.  Never  saw  so  much  style  on  ice. 
Blue  jackets,  red  jackets,  yellow  tunics,  green 
skirts,  purple  Balmorals,  striped  hose,  red  gaiters, 
pretty  ankles,  jaunty  skating-hats,  neat  little 
limbs — O  Lordy !  but  how  queer  a  fellow  feels 
when  he  feels  queerly !  And  we  all  skated. 
Pretty  soon,  a  frolicksome  oyster  came  tearing 
up  the  pond,  steadying  his  gray-haired  governor. 
How  they  glided !  And  the  writer  hereafter  in 
their  wake. 

Pretty  girl  wanted  to  take  my  arm  till  she 
learned  to  strike  out.  Nice  girl — she  can  have 
those  arms  any  day  Girl  took  arm.  "We  sky 


"  Brick  "  Slcateth  at  Central  Park.      173 

bugled  hither  and  yon — yon  and  hither — as  the 
waves  dash  in  on  Coney  Island.  Met  a  vigorous 
female  scudding  before  the  gale  at  heavy  rate 
of  speed.  There  was  a  collision.  Pretty  girl 
turned  a  somersault,  and  flopped  into  the  arms 
of  a  venerable  rooster,  who  stood  then  and  there 
a  looker-on.  I  anchored  on  a  chilly  spot  of 
frigidity,  and  heard  the  buttons  part  company 
with  waistband.  The  emphatic  and  limb-fat-ic 
female  had  done  it. 

With  an  "  ouch  "  of  much  anguisn, 

And  a  tear  on  her  nose, 
She  squashed  and  she  hid  me 

Safe  under  her  clothes. 

It  might  have  been  fun,  but,  situated  as  I  was, 
with  those  nose  of  mine  flattened  on  the  ice,  and 
two  hundred  pounds  of  loveliness,  so  to  speak,  on 
back  of  an  aching  head,  I  couldn't  see  it.  Queer, 
wasn't  it?  Preferred  the  outskirts  to  the  in 
skirts  to  skate  in.  Tried  to  crawl  out.  One 
foot  of  mine,  and  two  feet  of  limb-fat-ic  female 


174     " Brick"  Skateth  at  Central  Park. 

visible  beyond  the  edge  of  her  crinoline. 
on  skates  whirled  around  and  yelled,  "Hi! 
hi !  Three-legged  woman  ! "  Everybody  stopped. 
Crowd  came  pouring  and  tumbling  in.  Kolled 
over  and  tried  to  retreat.  Came  nigh  being 
smothered.  More  than  twenty  girls  fell  over  us. 
At  last  I  emerged — yes,  that  is  the  word — from 
being  where  I  had  not  ought  to  have  been.  1 
crawled  out  from  that  place  of  confinement  with 
nose  like  a  potato-blossom,  half  a  hoop-skirt  over 
my  head  and  around  my  neck.  And  what  work  I 
had  getting  out ;  worse  than  boring  for  petroleum 
as  I  wriggled  through  a  forest  of  red  stockings, 
variegated  circus-tents,  skates,  and  fancy  elastics. 
Go  to  where  I  have  been,  go  see  what  I  have 
seen,  go  feel  what  I  have  felt,  on  that  Fifth 
Avenue  Skating  Pond.  Be  knocked  around  and 
about  by  the  careless  c\Dwd,  and  then  tell  me 
if  skating  carnivals  are  in  reality  what  they  are 
cracked  up  to  be  I  All  very  well  for  those  who 
keep  on  their  feet,  but  as  for  me,  give  ma 


"  Brick  "  Skateth  ai  Central  Park.      1 73 

liberty,  or  give  me — give  me — give  me  a  lightei 
woman  to  hold  me  down  when  the  ice  is  so 
fearfully  and  freezingly  cold. 

It  is  now  morning.  I  arrived  home  in  a 
damaged  condition.  Those  hat  which  adorned 
that  head  of  mine,  by  birth,  and  not  by  adop 
tion,  is  gone  in.  And  that  are  pants  be  much 
damaged  beyond  repair.  And  our  nose  is 
much  worried  even  to  this  hour.  Our  cheek 
is  minus  a  patch  of  whiskers  big  enough  for 
a  baby's  wig,  from  the  fall  on  the  ice.  Our 
watch  crystal  is  in  no  condition  for  service. 
And  if  ever  head  ached  in  this  world,  head 
aches  now.  And  J.  M.,  she  knows  not  what 
is  the  matter.  I  told  her  a  Newfoundland  dog 
fell  from  the  ferry-boat,  and  I  became  injured 
in  trying  to  save  the  life  of  those  dog.  J.  M. 
don't  love  dogs,  and  says  I  am  a  fool.  And 
that  immense  skating  woman  who  bore  down 
on  me  so  vehemently,  I  never  shall  look  upon 
her  face  again — and  I  never  want  to! 


CHAPTER  XX. 

BOSTON  BETSEY'S  "BRICK,"  OR  "BRICK'S"  BETSEY. 

£ 
FOUND  her  in  Boston.    Betsey  Jerusha 

Jones — in    three    volumes    illustrated. 

I  thirsted  for  intellect.  I  hungered 
for  beauty.  I  ached  for  charms.  I  required  a 
gentle  being  with  a  mind  like  horse  billiards  to 
guide  me  through  this  vale  of  steers.  I  went  to 
Boston  to  find  my  love.  I  found  her.  She 
was  a  school  teacher,  who  drew  seven  dollars  a 
month  for  spanking  the  rule  of  three  into  the 
vulgar  fractions  confided  to  her  charge,  and  for 
adding  accomplishments  as  'twere  to  the  result 
of  others'  multiplication!  Figuratively  speak 


"BricKa"  Betsey.  177 

ing.  After  school  was  disbanded  for  the 
day  we  walked  out  to  the  beach.  Birch  bv 
day  and  the  beach  by  night. 

My  love  was  beautiful.  She  was  of  the 
New  England  type.  She  was  ^w^-itanical. 
Thus  worshipped  I  her,  the  most  beautifulest 
ant  in  the  sugar  bowl. 

And  she  made  both  ends  meet  by  skin 
ning  eels.  She  was  a  most  exalted  and  tri 
umphant  eel  skinnist.  The  Massachusetts  girla 
teach  schools  and  skin  eels  for  the  market. 
Said  I,  "Betsey,  if  it's  not  a-skin  too  much, 
let  me  go  out  with  thee  and  aid  in  thy  toils, 
and  see  thee  divest  eel  of  cuticle.  She  said, 
yea.  I  went.  She  had  a  hooked  nose.  She 
had  three  hoops — at  regular  intervals.  She 
was  Massachusetts  schoolmann.  She  was  old 
maid,  She  understood  all  of  Daboll  but  the 
multiplication.  She  had  never  been  on  the 
multiply  1  Oh,  no !  And  she  could  skin  eels 

faster  than  the  devil   could  catch   a  fiddler. 

8* 


lit  "Brick's"  Betsey. 

.  By  the  beach  we  sat.  She  skinned  eels  foi 
the  net  proceeds.  We  talked  of  love  and  sich. 
She  listened  to  my  tale.  She  felt  the  moving 
of  my  plea;  the  burning  eloquence  thereof,  so 
called.  Said  I — 

"  Oh !  Betsey,  seem'  its  yeou,  I  love  yeou,  I 
sweow.  I  wouldst  be  thine.  I  would  share  thy 

cot,  and 

'  Dream  I  sleep  with  thee,  love.' 

Wouldst  be  mine  ?  I  am  a  stranger,  Betsey.  I 
am  not  aged,  but  on  the  contrary,  am  agile  as 
those  eel.  I  will  offer  thee  all  I  have.  I  would 
be  thus  to  thee.  I  would  crawl  out  of  myself 
as  those  eel  crawls  out  of  his  undershirt  in  thy 
hands,  and  be  thine  onlyest." 

She  took  up  another  eel. 

"  Oh !  Betsey,"  said  I,  as  I  laid  partly  on  the 
grass,  partly  in  the  lap  of  Betsey,  with  the  slick- 
ery  tails  of  her  eels  tickling  my  nose — "  were 
you  ever  caressted  by  mortal  ?  "  She  said,  no, 
and  looked  sidewise. 


"ErkW  Bttsey.  179 

She  took  another  eel. 

I  then  caressted  her.  Said  she,  "  Praise  the 
Lord,  but  that  is  the  first  kiss  ever  mortal  man 
gave  me."  I  asked  her  if  she  liked  it?  She 
said  it  war  better  nor  spanking  a  young  un,  or 
skiunin  a  big  eel.  She  said  she  liked  school- 
teaching.  It  was  better  than  a  gymnasium. 
She  said  kissing  was  better  than  skinning  eels. 
"When  a  Massachusetts  girl  says  that,  you  may, 
with  the  lambs  on  the  hills,  gamble  that  she 
liketh  it  with  vehement  muchness. 

The  pale  moon  slid  along  overhead  just  as 
easy !  It  seemed  to  skin  itself  from  under  the 
fleecy  clouds,  as  those  eels  skinned  themselves 
from  the  fingers  of  my  Betsey  Jerusha.  It  set 
me  to  thinking  she  was  something  heavenly  like 
the  moon.  Only  she  was  a  little  plumper.  It 
vras  a  new  moon  Newer  than  Betsey,  and  a 
little  slimmer.  I  conversed  with  Betsey.  She 
had  a  little  knife  like  a  shoe  knife.  I  would 
ha  re  thought  her  a  shoemaker  if  she  had  carried 


180 

a  cobbler's  kitten  and  a  waxed  end.  But  she 
didn't.  She  skinned  eels,  chawed  spruce  gum 
and  talked  love.  Said  she — 

"  What  is  your  name  ? " 

Asked  we,  "The  reverberating  cognomen  to 
which  we  respond  ?  " 

Said  she,  "  Yes." 

Said  we,  " '  Brick  '  Pomeroy." 

Then  she  asked  us  of  our  Western  home.  She 
wanted  to  know  what  State  Illinois  was  in,  and 
if  Wisconsin  was  in  the  First  or  Second  Ward 
of  La  Crosse.  And  she  wanted  to  know  if  we 
had  young  ones  in  the  West.  We  told  her  not 
many,  yet !  Then  Bhe  wanted  to  know  if  the 
Mississippi  river  had  eels  in  it.  We  told  her, 
nay.  And  she  wanted  to  know  if  the  people  out 
in  that  barbarous  region  wore  clothes  every  day, 
or  only  when  they  went  sparking.  And  she 
wanted  to  know  how  far  it  was  from  where  we 
lived  to  a  house.  And  she  wanted  to  know  if 
they  spanked  or  ferruled  youngsters  in  schools, 


131 

and  if  we  had  schools.  And  she  wanted  to 
know  if  women  dressed  in  bearskins  or  tilting 
hoops,  which  we  suppose  are  all  the  same! 
And  she  wanted  to  know  if  we  had  newspapers, 
and  could  read  and  write,  and  had  ever  heard 
of  Anna  Dickinson.  And  she  wanted  to  know 
if  it  was  not  terrible  living  so  far  from  Boston ! 

Then  I  caressted  her  and  kissed  her  so  sweetly. 
And  she  twined  the  eel  skins  in  a  garland  and 
wreathed  them  about  our  neck  as  she  sat  there 
in  maiden  meditation  fancy  free,  like  a  box  of 
No.  11  boots.  Then  we  said — 

"  Oh  !  Betsey  Jerusha,  thou  hast  spokenest 
with  wisdom.  I  will  converse  with  thee,  elastic 
nymph.  I  am  a  barbarian.  "We  are  all  bar 
barians  in  the  West.  I  am  an  ignorant  but  well- 
meaning  whelp.  We  are  all  ditto  in  the  West, 
I  wear  bearskins  in  the  West — we  all  ditto  in 
that  country.  We  have  no  houses,  but  live  in 
tently  without  them  as  'twere.  We  have  no 
carriages  for  either  male  or  female,  so  called 


182  «  BricW  Betsey. 

But  I  can  love  thee.  I  can  hold  thee  to  mine 
own.  I  will  surround  thee  with  all  the  luxuries 
we  have  in  that  land  of  darkness,  for  the  sun 
never  rises  in  the  West ! " 

Said  Betsey,  as  she  playfully  slung  the  hide 
off  from  another  conquered  eel,  "  Deu  tell !  " 

I  wanted  information,  and  thus  we  dia 
logued : 

'*  My  Betsey  Jerusha,  hast  much  of  parents  ? " 

"Yes,  Brickuel,  I  have  two  parents  and  four 
ante-parents." 

"  What  diddest  they  do? " 

"My  ma  taught  school  and  skinned  eels, 
and  my  father  was  an  eel-catcher  and  a  silver- 
tongued  politician." 

"  How  many  boys  canst  spank  in  a  day  ? " 

"  I  have  spanked  twenty-seven  in  an  hour,  and 
it  wan't  a  good  hour  for  spankin,  either ! " 

"  And  eels !  How  many  eels  canst  thou  peel 
in  a  day.  Tell  me,  thou  educator  of  the  world  ? " 

"  Well,  now,  that  is  a  pretty  right  smart  of  a 


"  Betsey.  183 

question !  I  guess  I  can  skin  six  a  minute.  I 
skin  'em  and  sling  'em  over  my  shoulder  into 
that  are  tub,  and  kin  keep  one  in  the  air  all 
the  time,  and  I  ain't  much  of  a  skinnist, 
nuther  I " 

"  Does  it  hurt  the  eel  ?" 

"  Why,  of  course  it  kills  the  eel !  But  that  ia 
his  fault.  If  he'd  had  his  skin  put  on  t'other 
side  out  'twouldn't  hurt  'm  any !  'Twould  have 
slid  off  itself?  It's  our  doctrine  in  New  Eng 
land  to  have  things  conform  to  our  notions, 
even  if  the  eels  we  skin  don't  like  it.  You  see 
this  is  the  hub ;  and  the  eels  have  no  rights 
that  we,  the  -skinners,  are  bound  to  respect!" 
and  into  the  air  she  playfully  tossed  another 
yard  of  subdued,  quivering  agony ! 

Says  us — 

"  Do  you  skin  'em  for  fun  .or  for  profit  ? " 

Betsey  said  it  was  for  both.  There  was  money 
hi  it,  and  it  was  fun  to  see  them  squirm,  for  they 
had  no  business  to  be  eels,  and  to  come  to 


1 84  "BricMs  "  Betsey. 

England  in  the  spring  and  fall  for  what  they 
wanted.  And  thus  Betsey  taught  me  to  love. 
Gentle,  Christianized  Betsey ! 

And  I  kissed  her.  And  I  hugged  her  there, 
then.  And  I  told  her  she  should  be  happy. 
And  that  she  should  have  eels  to  skin  forever. 
That  I'd  have  'em  made  on  purpose !  Then  she 
Bmiled  and  said  she'd  be  mine,  so  called,  if  I'd 
agree  to  find  her  in  eels ;  to  find  young  ones  for 
her  to  spank ;  to  let  her  come  once  a  year  to  hear 
the  big  organ  and  rock  her  baby  in  the  cradle  of 
liberty ;  to  let  her  kiss  every  nigger  she  saw ;  to 
let  her  spend  half  her  time  in  peddling  tracts 
and  making  flannel  shirts  for  babies  in  Africa, 
and  would  do  my  best  to  extend  the  blessed 
gospel  and  the  likeness  of  Ben.  Butler  in  the  be 
nighted  region  beyond  the  hub. 

I  consented  to  all  she  wanted  of  me  except  the 
nigger.  On  that  I  was  firrum.  So  was  Betsey. 
She  said  "nigger,  or  single  blessedness."  She 
said  they  were  her  pets.  I  told  her  I  was 


ctti, "  Betsey.  185 

Democrat.  Oh,  gracious !  She  straightened  up 
till  her  corsets  snapped  like  a  pistol !  I  thought 
ehe  had  gone  off!  But  she  hadn't.  She  was 
there  yet.  Said  she,  as  she  scrunched  an  eel  in 
her  hand,  and  waved  her  peeling  machine  over 
her  head: 

u  You  a  Democrat !  Marry  a  Democrat  ?  Go 
'way !  Git  eout !  Don't  tech  me !  Oh,  you 
great,  ugly  "Western  man  !  Take  your  arm  away 
from  around  my  intellectual  breast!  Oh!  you 
great,  ugly,  "Western  man !  I'd  skin  you  like  an 
eel !  Oh,  git  eout !  Rise  your  hoary  locks  from 
that  ere  lap !  I'll  take  my  eels  and  fly  from  your 
advances!  Marry  a  Democrat?  I'm  no  such 
woman!  Oh!  you  great,  big,  red- whiskered, 
gray-headed,  savage,  unrefined,  uncultivated, 
uneddicated,  big,  nasty  man !  How  dare  you 
talk  to  me  ?  I'd  die  first,  and  then  I  wouldn't  1 " 

And  she  done  as  Joseph  did  in  the  night,  and 
went  off  into  Egypt,  leaving  me  in  a  bed  of  eel- 
ekins.  And  now  I'm  a  gone  nutmeg,  a  busted 


"Brick's"  Betsey. 

what-do-you-call-it.  I've  lost  my  Betsey  Jerusha, 
and  must  live  in  the  "West,  beyond  the  eels  and 
fichool-marm  charms  of  her  I  so  adored,  for  ug 
of  the  West  are  not  of  the  eel-ite. 

Thine,  nnskinned, 

"BRICK"  POMEROY, 


CHAPTEK    XXI. 
How  TO  BUT  OIL  LANDS. 

NEEDEEP,  MUD  COUNTY, 

March  20,  1865. 

'ORD  bless  you,  but  the  rain  did  come 
down,  and  the  mud  did  come  up,  and 
at  times  the  current  of  conversation 
would  be  stopped  by  a  vehement  damn,  as  spat- 
terrings  of  Yirginia  mud  would  be  thrown  half 
way  down  a  poor  fellow's  throat,  as  our  party 
single  filed  along,  through  the  miry  clay  on 
toward  the  oil  region. 

Oil  on   the  brain !    How  are    you,    '*  Peter 


188  How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands. 

Oleum?"    Right  smart — glad  for  to  hear  you 
are  able  to  get  out ! 

The  city  of  New  York,  or  the  settlement  of 
ungodliness,  differs  a  whole  mess  from  the  oil 
region.  If  you  are  unbelievers  and  not  disposed 
to  take  stock  in  this  assertion,  come  ye  out  and 
try  it.  Risk  your  life.  Purchase  mourning  for 
your  friends,  if  your  ticket  is  by  the  Camden  and 
Amboy  line  of  coffins.  Eat  dog  sausage  and 
benevolent  hash  at  railroad  eating-houses ;  force 
muddy  juice  of  burnt  rye  and  yellow  beans  down 
your  throat,  and  think  it  is  coffee ;  spear  chunks 
of  fat  pork  as  they  swim  round  in  an  earthen 
basin  filled  with  hot  lard  oozing  out  of  the  dirty 
cracks  thereof;  sleep  on  mud  floors  with  hogskin 
saddle  for  pillow ;  drink  com  whiskey  so  new  that 
you  can  actually  feel  the  corn  silk  in  it,  as,  like 
a  drunken  torchlight  procession,  it  winds  down 
the  throat;  eat  bread  heavy  enough  to  make 
into  nail  hammers,  and  curse  the  country  because 
fine  tooth  combs  cannot  be  purchased  at  the 


How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands.  189 

groceries.  I  should  say  New  Tork  differed  from 
the  oil  regions,  yet  it  is  real  fun  to  skirmish 
about  here,  looking  for  the  main  chance,  and 
prospecting  for  indications  of  the  great  fluid. 

When  I  made  up  my  mind  to  visit  the  oil 
regions,  a  little  note  was  sent  to  my  Ann  Jane, 
telling  her  that  soon  after  dark  began  to  dawn 
on  all  things  here  below,  she  would  hear  the 
door-bell.  The  door-bell  meant  me.  Ann  Jane 
received  the  letter,  and  got  herself  up  in  style. 
There  may  be  sweeter  girls  than  her,  but  she 
will  do.  Oh,  yes,  she  will,  and  I  know  it.  Re 
gardless  of  taste  or  expense  was  my  toilet  made. 
Like  a  night-blooming  cereus  looked  I.  Active 
as  an  ant  on  a  hot  griddle  I  advanced  up  the 
steps  to  her  brown-stone  front,  rang  the  bell,  and 
went  in.  We  met  the  usual  way — so  the  report 
said.  Talk  about  new  mown  hay,  sweet  cream, 
a  love  of  a  bonnet,  or  a  new  baby,  that  dear  Ann 
Jane  is  so  much  sweeter  than  all  them,  it  is  a 
wonder  they  existeth. 


190  How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands. 

We  sat  on  the  sofa.  Her  father  was  a  wealthy 
man ;  but  had  sold  short  that  day,  and  was  not 
extensively  well.  Economy  is  a  good  thing. 
Ann  Jane  and  I  sat  on  the  sofa.  We  turned 
the  gas  down  low  for  economy.  I  had  on  pat 
ent  leather  boots,  with  red  tops  and  yellow  silk 
straps,  rather  elegant  pants,  and  a  large  bunch 
of  other  clothes,  with  a  greatness  of  candy  in 
pockets.  We  talked — Ann  Jane  is  a  good  con- 
versationer.  I  told^  her  that  oil  was  what  oiled 
me.  In  childhood's  balmy  days  aunty  always 
gave  me  oil,  with  happiest  effect,  and  I  must 
have  more.  Ann  Jane  coincided.  We  ate  up 
the  candy,  which  seemed  to  grow  weary  of  its 
perpetual  sweetness,  as  the  two  lips  of  my  stu 
dent  in  economy  rewarded  me  from  time  to  time 
with  the  sweetest — never  mind  though,  now. 

I  started.  With  clarion  notes  the  roosters 
escorted  me  to  the  cars.  Like  a  man  going  to 
his  grave,  I  entered  cars,  first  looking  to  the 
priming  of  my  life  and  accident  insurance  policy 


How  to  Buy  Oil  Lamds.  191 

And  such  a  whole  parcel  of  things  as  I  had  to 
travel  with !  Peruse  the  list,  brave  volunteers  oi 
Peter ! 


Black  bag  for  things,  .  1 
Comb  for  the  hair,  .  .  1 
Brush  for  the  hair,  .  .  1 
Shirts  for  the  body,  .  many 
Toothpicks  for  the 

teeth.  ....  several 
Handkerchiefs  to  use,  .  1 
Perfumery  to  smell,  .  lots 


Slippers  for  feet,    ...  2 

White  vest  for  parties,  .  1 
Patent-leather  boots  for 

style, 2 

Kid  gloves  for  hand,       .  2 

Late  novels,      ....  6 

Several  other  things, .    .  1 


Not  much  baggage,  but  considerable  what 
there  was  of  it.  The  conductors  on  the  rail 
roads  kindly  allowed  us  to  ride  in  safety,  great 
ly  to  the  disappointment  of  many  people. 

"We  all  arrived  in  Virginia  to  find  the  sa 
cred  soil  thereof  dotted  with  oil  hunters.  Af 
ter  a  fine  sleep  on  the  floor,  waiting  for  the 
bed  to  grow  empty,  morning  broke.  After 
breakfast,  mounted  on  much  horse,  I  started 
for  oil  regions.  Horses  in  Virginia  are  horses, 


192  How  to  Buy  Oil  Lcmds. 

I  know  they  are  not  oxen,  for  of  horns  they 
have  none,  and  their  tails  grow  bushy.  They 
are  fast  animals.  Seated  on  top  of  one  of 
them,  I  had  no  trouble  in  making  two  miles 
an  hour  toward  a  corn  crib.  Once,  I  actu 
ally  passed  a  yoke  of  old  oxen,  hauling  a  little 
old  man,  a  fat  old  woman,  a  bundle  of  corn 
stalks,  and  jug  of  corn  whiskey,  on  an  old 
bob  sled.  Fact !  Virginia  horses  deserve  pre 
miums,  for  what  they  lack  in  legs  they  make 
up  in  ribs.  Some  of  them  have  two  eyes, 
and  sometimes  may  see  a  currycomb — doubt 
ful  if  they  ever  feel  one,  however.  And  the 
saddles!  they  give  tender  recollections  which 
even  now  stir  up  the  feelings !  They  don  t 
some  steal  horses  in  Virginia  as  much  as  in 
other  States.  In  fact,  it  would  be  a  dan 
gerous  job  if  the  pursuer  happened  to  travel 
on  foot.  And  this  is  my  opinion  of  Virginia 
horses !  Selah. 

There   are  many  things  oil  will  buy,  so  we 


How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands.  193 

wanted  a  whole  mess  of  it.  In  order  to  make 
a  good  impression  before  getting  on  the  back 
of  the  fleet  steed,  whose  apt  name  was  "  Bony," 
BO  the  livery  delegate  said,  I  took  advantage 
of  the  crowd,  and  with  camphor,  ice,  and  co 
logne,  made  myself  handsome  to  the  smell, 
with  a  flask  (in  which  to  bring  back  samples 
of  oil),  I  "  elevated "  myself  to  the  new  po 
sition,  and  set  gently  forth.  The  horse  had 
a  gait ;  a  plain,  austere,  radical  gait  enough 
to  bring  a  hoss-tear  from  his  rider. 

Bravely  1  struck  out.  Through  the  mud  of 
Western  Virginia  went  I  like  the  solitary  horse 
man  with  several  other  mounted  roosters  going 
up  a  long  hill ;  over  the  tumble  in  bridges ; 
through  the  tumble  in  bridges ;  wading  the 
very  wet  creeks  ;  sticking  fast  in  the  affectionate 
mud  ;  past  houses  resembling  the  first  efforts  of 
a  school-boy  at  architecture  on  a  slate.  I  smelt 
of  the  mud ;  tasted  the  water  ;  felt  of  the  rocks ; 

soaked  my  handkerchief  in  the  c^eek;  looked  at 
9 


194  How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands. 

the  bony  legs  of  my  bony  horse  to  see  if  they 
were  greasy  from  his  boring  the  mud  with  half- 
shoed  hoofs ;  asked  many  men  if  oil  did  abound 
there  or  thereabouts  ;  propounded  questions  to 
many  women,  and  patted  a  considerable  of  Vir 
ginia  children  on  the  head,  and  inquired  for  oil 
territory,  indications  and  developments. 

At  last,  after  the  sun  had  concluded  to  retire, 
and  after  I  had  suffered  on  the  top  of  that  horse 
for  seven  hours,  and  ridden,  if  you  call  it  riding, 
eleven  miles  as  the  chap  said,  back  to  Widow 
Gartan's  barn,  I  rode  up  to  a  log  mansion  built 
out-doors  against  a  big  mud  chimney.  The 
.horse  stopped  very  easy;  in  fact,  stopping  was 
his  best  gait.  I  made  friends  with  fiye  dogs  and 
rapped  on  the  open  door. 

"  Come  in,"  says  a  man. 

"  Thank  you,"  says  I. 

"  Yes,  come  in,"  said  a  woman. 

"  All !  yes,  thank  you,"  said  I. 

"  Get  out,"  said  the  man. 


How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands.  195 

"  Get  out,"  said  the  woman. 

The  five  dogs  left-wheeled,  and  got  out  at  a 
rery  vehement  double  slow. 

"Good  year  for  dogs.  Nicest  lot  of  dogs  I 
have  seen. 

"Eight  smart  dogs,  stranger,"  said  the  old 
man. 

"Right  smart  dogs,"  said  the  old  woman. 

I  took  a  chair,  a  very  fine  one,  made  of  an 
old  nail  keg,  and  looked.  If  the  house  had 
one  more  room,  there  would  have  been  two 
rooms  in  it.  The  man  was  a  quaint  old  roost 
er,  well  out  of  his  pants,  all  around  and  at 
each  end.  His  head  was  high,  and  his  forehead 
so  broad,  that  it  ran  clear  to  the  nape  of  his 
neck.  He  had  grown  clear  through  his  hair, 
and  was  heavy  on  smoking  native  tobacco  in  a 
red  clay  pipe. 

There  was  more  of  his  wife  than  of  him,  by 
a  wheelbarrow  full.  He  was  slim.  She  did  not 
slim  a  bit,  He  was  tall.  She  had  never  tailed 


196  How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands. 

much.  His  arms  were  long.  And  it  was  a 
good  thing,  for  he  never  could  have  hugged 
his  wife  alone,  had  they  not  been  long.  Her 
arms  were  short.  She  did  not  need  long  arms 
to  hug  him.  O  Nature,  how  kind  you  are  in 
such  cases !  And  she  had  such  short  taper 
toes — ten  of  them  all  together;  and  there  was 
no  squeak  to  her  footsteps  as  she  glided 
about  the  room  like  a  thing  much  of  life. 
When  he  spoke,  she  spoke ;  when  he  talked, 
she  always  followed  suit,  playing  the  left  bower 
on  his  right.  She  clinched  his  conversation  by 
repeating  it.  She  varnished  his  talk  by  endors 
ing  it.  She  walked  the  house  and  always  en 
dorsed  what  the  major  said.  Every  man  in 
Virginia  is  an  officer.  I  always  salute  a  man 
as  colonel  in  that  country.  Other  folks  say 
"Mister."  "Mister"  is  too  thin,  and  folks  say 
the  man  who  calls  other  folks  plain  "Mister" 
IE  from  Yermont ! 

Stretching  legs  before  a  singing  fire,  we  had 


How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands.  197 

the  following  conversation,  the  better  half  being 
always  on  hand  to  clinch  things. 

"  Can  I  get  to  stay  here  to  night  ? " 

"Keekon  not,  unless  your  hoss  ken  stand  it 
outside  and  go  hungry." 

"No  corn?" 

"  Not  a  corn,  stranger.  The  home  guard  took 
my  corn." 

"  Any  oil  about  here  ? " 

"  Right  on  this  farm." 

"  Ah  !  how  much  land  have  you  here  ?  " 

"  Well,  there  is  a  right  smart  of  land.  You  see 
I  own  a  lot  here,  and  my  old  Aunt  Elizabeth, 
who  had  a  hoss  run  away  with  her  five  years  ago 
when  she  was  riding  down  to  the  court-house  to 
see  the  sheriff  who  was  one  of  the  dodrottedest 
meanest  men  that  ever  got  elected  into  office, 
which  he  never  would  have  done  if  Bill  Mason, 
who  run  agin  him,  had  not  had  a  power  of 
money  and  more  friends — for  Bill's  father  owned 
the  tavern  on  the  forks,  and  him  and  Tom  Cowler 


198  How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands. 

were  thick  as  bees  ever  since  Bob  Jones  had  the 
scrimmage  with  Hank  Jenks  about  the  old  blind 
mare  which  Hank  sold  to  Tom's  father,  and 
which  was  stolen  by  some  cussed  thief  the  night 
of  the  law-suit  between 

"  Get  out ! "  to  a  red  dog  which  was  coming  in 
the  door. 

"  Get  out  ? "  yelled  the  old  woman,  and  out 
went  the  dog. 

"  How  much  land  did  you  say  you  had  here, 
Colonel?" 

"  Oh,  right  smart,  altogether.  There  was  five 
hundred  acres  on  the  Spring  farm ;  but  the  old 
man  sold  it  off  the  range  to  Colonel  Black  the 
spring  the  colonel's  wife  died — thanks  to  the 
inchronicus  disease  which  seemed  to  drive  her 
into  consumption  even  after  the  Colonel  had  got 
her  three  dozen  bottles  of  Cod's  liver  oil  in  Bal 
timore,  which  I  don't  believe  would  cure  a  dog, 
and  I  don't  care  what  ailed  him ;  and  all  the 
neighbors  say  so,  except  Squair  Jacobs,  who  saya 


How  to  Buy  OH  Lands.  199 

ho  had  a  niece  who  had  a  right  smart  of  laming, 
and  drove  a  school  when  she  warn't  but  rising 
onto  nineteen  years  in  the  log  school-house  with 
the  window  out,  just  as  you  pass  by  where  lame 
Dick  has  got  up  a  blacksmith  shop  where  he  wiL' 
shoe  a  horse  in  less  than  no  time " 

"Yes,  I  know,  Dick.  And  how  many  acres 
have  you  now  ? " 

"  Oh,  there  is  right  smart  of  land,  and  I  don't 
care  to  sell  it  now,  for  John  is  off  fighting  into 
the  army,  and  me  and  the  old  woman  have  all  we 
can  do  to  make  a  living  here,  and  have  to  work 
every  day,  except  once  in  a  while  we  get  a  jug 
of  the  creature  and  have  a  rest,  but  for  which — 

"  Get  out,  you  pesky  brute,"  said  the  old  man. 

"Get  out,  you  nasty  hound,"  said  the  old 
woman  as  she  aimed  a  wooden  poker  at  a 
brmdle  dog,  who  was  helping  himself  to  a  piece 
of  corn-bread.  The  dog  got  out  1 

"  Well,  Colonel,  what  are  the  chances  for  find 
ing  oil  on  the  property  about  here  ? " 


200  Row  to  Buy  Oil  Land* 

"  Oh,  right  smart,  I  reckon.  Yen  see,  down  <>n 
the  bottom,  long  in  the  summer,  there  is  the  pe- 
culiarist  smell,  and  I  allers  knowed  it  was  some 
thing.;  and  now  I  know  it  is  oil,  for  Bob  Speara 
sold  his  farm  on  the  run  above  here,  and  the  men 
what  bores  it  now  has  got  two  wells  onto  the 
lower  lot,  and  Squire  Barnard  says  the  show  is 
jest  as  good  on  my  farm  as  on  Spears'  farm ;  and 
the  squire  is  right  powerful  on  larnin',  and  went 
to  school  twenty  years  ago,  when  he  was  a  boy, 
and  sparkin'  Dorothy  Slawson,  whose  father  was 
killed  in  the  row  he  had  with  Bill  Ransom,  after 
he  shot  Bill's  red  heifer." 

'  What  do  you  call  your  land  worth,  Colonel  ? 
cash  down  soon  as  you  can  make  out  the  papers." 

""Well,  stranger,  it  wants  a  right  power  of 
money  to  get  this  ere  land  now,  for  me  and  the 
old  woman  has  got  seven  hundred  and  nineteen 
acres  here,  and  as  there  can  be  put  ten  wells  on 
each  acre,  and  each  well  will  give  a  hundred  bar 
rels  of  oil,  and  as  oil  is  worth  $15  a  barrel,  I  am 


How  to  Bwy  Oil  Lcmds.  201 

figuring  up  how  much  me  and  the  old  woman 
will  be  worth,  and  if  you  want  the  farm  for  what 
it  figures  up  for  a  year  and  a  half  or  two  years, 
just  say  the  word,  and  me  and  the  old  woman 
will  sell  it  to  you  for  half  what  it's  worth,  and 
you  can  have  the  house  to  live  in,  and  me  and 
the  old  woman  will  take  the  dogs." 

"  Yes,  me  and  the  old  man  will  take  the  dogs, 
for  they  are  right  smait  dogs,"  said  the  old 
woman. 

"  Well,  let's  see,  Colonel.  Seven  hundred  and 
nineteen  acres ;  ten  wells  to  the  acre ;  seven 
thousand  one  hundred  and  ninety  wells — one 
hundred  barrels  to  a  well — seven  hundred  and 
nineteen  thousand  barrels — fifteen  dollars  a  bar 
rel — makes  ten  million  seven  hundred  and 
eighty-five  thousand  dollars,  no  cents.  I'll  take 
the  property,  Colonel." 

"  Now,  stranger,  you  figger  so  fast — all  them 
fellers  what  figgers  in  their  heads  kinder  beata 

me  somehow — that  I  am  fear'd  you  ain't  right ; 
9* 


202  How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands. 

and  agin,  you  didn't  figger  it  but  for  one  year, 
and  the  land  is  worth  right  smart  more  than 
that ;  but  the  sums  that  me  and  the  old  woman 
do,  don't  come  out  alike  all  the  time,  BO  I'll  have 
Squire  Barnard  figger  it  for  me,  being  as  you're 
a  stranger ;  and  if  he  figgers  it  as  you  do,  and 
you  will  make  it  for  two  years,  me  and  the  old 
woman  will  see  about  it." 

"  Yes,  we'll  see  about  it,"  said  the  consort. 

"Well,  Colonel,  have  you  any  of  your  figur 
ing  (noticing  an  old  slate,  covered  with  figures, 
hanging  on  a  nail  drove  in  a  jamb),  that  I  could 
look  it  over  and  see  how  it  compares  with  mine  ? " 

"  Oh,  yes,  me  and  the  old  woman  don't  do 
nothing  in  the  day  times  but  figger  now,  and 
you  jest  run  your  eye  over  this  (handing  me  the 
slate),  and  see  how  it  compares  with  your  brains." 

I  took  the  slate,  which  was  all  right,  except  a 
corner  was  gone,  and  found  where  he  had  "  fig- 
gered "  with  a  piece  of  soft  stone  in  lieu  of  a 
pencil,  as  follows : 


How  to  Buy  Oil  Lands.  303 

119 

10 

.     009 
119 

1199 
15 

11995 
5575 

68745 
100 

68745 
68745 
68745 


662.695 
119 

17841205 
6621695 
6621695 

1245327655 


204  How  to  Buy  OH  Lands. 

His  figures  were  somewhat  "incoherent," 
not  to  say  high,  so  I  bade  the  old  couple  good- 
day,  mounted  that  horse,  and  skirmished  on  to 
the  next  stopping-place. 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

A  CHICKEN  SUIT. 

'ONDAY  forenoon   there  came   off  be 
fore   Police    Judge    Hubbard,  in    La 
Crosse,   another  law   suit,   the  partic 
ulars  of  which  are  as  follows : 

Reinhardt  Hendricks,  on  the  17th  of  Septembei , 
1866,  brought  suit  against  "  Brick  "  Pomeroy,  to 
recover  pay  for  two  roosters  shot  by  the  de 
fendant  with  a  revolver,  the  chickens  belonging 
to  the  plaintiff,  to  the  value  of  fifty  cents  each. 
Through  the  kindness  of  the  judge  the  case  hae 
been  adjourned  from  week  to  week  till  the 
return  of  the  defendant  from  an  electioneering 


206  A  Chicken  Suit. 

tour  in  Indiana.  This  morning  the  case  came 
off,  Ex-Mayor  Hon.  James  I.  Lyndes  being  the 
counsel  for  the  prosecution,  the  defendant  ap 
pearing  in  his  own  behalf. 

The  court-room  was  crowded,  for  the  idea  of 
trying  an  editor  for  stealing  or  shooting  chickena 
was  a  novelty.  The  plaintiff  brought  in  his  bill, 
swore  to  its  correctness,  testified  that  he  owned 
the  chickens,  that  they  were  raised  by  a  hen  be 
longing  to  him,  that  he  saw  the  defendant  shoot 
them,  that  he  had  repeatedly  asked  the  defendant 
to  settle  for  them,  and  failing  to  get  pay  or 
satisfaction,  he  was  compelled  to  bring  suit,  and 
asked  for  judgment  of  one  dollar,  and  costs. 

The  defendant  admitted  shooting  the  chickens, 
and  proved  by  four  reliable  witnesses  the  fol 
lowing  facts : 

In  April,  1866,  the  defendant  owned  a  fast- 
running  trick  mare,  "Kitty,"  which  animal 
was  kept  in  a  stable  hired  by  him,  and  cared 
for  by  one  of  his  employes.  Through  a  little 


A  Chicken  Suit.  207 

hole  in  the  barn  or  stable  the  plaintiff's  hem 
would  fly  in  and  eat  oats  intended  for  the 
mare  "Kitty,"  and  on  the  approach  of  any 
one  would  fly  out.  In  an  old  barrel  in  the 
stable,  one  of  the  hens,  a  black  one,  made  her 
nest,  laid  thirteen  eggs  therein,  and  proceeded 
to  raise  a  family.  When  the  hen  got  ready  to 
set,  the  defendant  instructed  the  boy  who  took 
care  of  his  mare  to  go  down  town,  purchase 
thirteen  nggs  of  J.  W.  Robinson  &  Co.,  grocers, 
and  put  them  in  the  nest,  first  removing  the 
other  eggs.  The  boy  did  so,  as  was  proved. 
He  then  personally  drove  the  hen  out  of  the 
stable  a  dozen  times  or  more — he  tried  to  make 
her  leave — she  would  not,  but  proceeded  to  in 
cubate  his  eggs,  duly  bought  and  paid  for, 
without  his  consent,  leave,  or  license,  after  re 
peated  efforts  on  his  part  and  by  his  agents  to 
have  her  vacate  his  premises.  And,  farther, 
when  the  hen  had  hatched  the  eggs,  she  ran 
away  with  his  chickens,  eleven  in  number,  two 


208  A  Chicken,  Suit. 

eggs  not  producing  chickens.  To  her  servicei 
he  brought  an  offset,  the  use  of  stable  and  board 
bill  in  the  shape  of  oats — he  charged  her  with 
the  two  eggs  she  spoiled,  and  demanded  judg 
ment  for  the  balance  of  the  flock,  nine  in  num* 
ber,  at  fifty  cents  each.  And,  besides,  he  proved 
that  the  chickens  did  not  belong  to  that  hen, 
as  she  was  black,  while  the  chickens  were  red 
or  speckled !  Hendricks  has  sued  all  his  neigh 
bors  for  some  little  trifling  matter  half-a-dozen 
times  each  during  the  past  two  years. 

After  a  patient  hearing,  the  judge  decided 
that  there  was  DO  cause  of  action,  and  that 
the  defendant  was  entitled  to  the  other  nine 
chickens,  and  the  plaintiff  mrct  pap  the  costs 
of  the  suit,  amounting  to  sevoafcaaR.  dollars  and 
thirty-seven  and  a  half  cents. 


:  - 


CHAPTEE  XXIIL 

As    A   PlC-NlC-IST. 

a  Pic-Nic-ist  I  have  reached! 
It  was   a  calm,  hot  morning,  about 

the  half  of  July,  1867.  The  weather 
was  all  that  could  be  desired  with  forty-seven 
degrees  plus.  I  may  say  it  was  in  a  melting 
mood,  with  several  meltings  over.  And  why 
not,  when  such  is  thus? 

Eulelia  Jane  said  it  was  too  hot  to  keep  cool, 
and  that  we  must  go  to  a  Pic-Nic  for  the  benefit 
of  the  church.  I  asked  Eulelia,  if  it  was  for  the 
benefit  of  the  church,  why  go  forth  when  it 
was  so  d — readfully  hot.  Said  Eulelia,  "  Don'l 


210  As  a  Pic-Nioist. 

swear,"  and  I  sweared  not  any.  Then  she  said 
it  was  to  teach  us  that  hot  places  should  b« 
shunned.  And  so  we  went. 

I  am  much  fond  of  them — I  mean  Pic-Nics. 
Base-ball  is  good  for  exercise,  but  nothing  com 
pared  to  Pic-Nic.  It  is  a  good  way  to  have 
cheap  amusement  —  and  much  of  it  —  at  light 
expense.  Eulelia  is  a  sickly  plant.  She  needs 
the  fresh  air.  Being  a  stout  cherub,  I  often  go 
out  with  her  to  get  a  little  air. 

After  breakfast  we  started  for  the  Pic-Nic — 
Eulelia  Jane  and  I.  The  sun  was  suffused  with 
blushes,  and  Eulelia  Jane  was 

Beautiful  as  a  flutterby, 

And  none  could  compare 
With  my  pretty  little  charmer 

And  her  rich,  wavy  hair. 

I  knew  the  sun  was  in  love  with  my  fragile 
pet,  else  why  those  burning  glances  as  we 
passed?  Eulelia  Jane  carried  a  parasol  and 
bymn-book.  The  Pic-Nic  was  on  church  ac- 


As  a  Pic-Nic-ist.  211 

count.  I  was  proud  as  the  first  roasting  ear  of 
this  loveliness.  How  my  heart  and  things 
warmed  to  her  as  we  went  forth.  We  were  gcing 
to  a  Pic-Nic.  I  took  along  a  few  little  things  to 
use  at  the  Pic-Nic.  Merely  a  few  little  thinga 
that  Eulelia  Jane  might  want.  There  was  not 
much,  as  all  the  men  took  a  little  something. 
All  I  had  to  take  was  Enlelia's  poodle  and  a  dog 
to  guard  it,  a  few  eatables,  and  implements  to  be 
used  for  the  Pic-Nic ;  two  hams,  a  ease  of  crack 
ers,  ten  loaves  of  bread,  nine  bottles  of  catsup, 
sixteen  boxes  of  sardines,  seven  custard  pies,  a 
jug  of  cold  coifee,  a  box  of  lemons,  ninety-three 
cucumbers,  a  quart  of  pepper-sauce,  a  box  of 
raisins,  nuts,  and  candy;  some  cold  tongue,  a 
block  of  ice,  some  few  chunks  of  dried  beef,  a 
basket  of  champagne,  an  axe,  two  hatchets,  crow 
bar,  spade,  rope  ladder,  a  Sunday-school  library 
of  books,  fifty  palm-leaf  fans,  a  pew-cushion  to 
keep  Eulelia  from  taking  cold,  two  hundred  feet 
of  rope  for  a  swing,  keg  of  spikes,  water-pails, 


212  As  a  Pic-Nic-wt. 

and  other  articles  of  bigotry  and  "  virtue,"  in 
eluding  a  marble-top  table,  and  fixings  for  an 
amateur  base-ball  game. 

Did  I  say  Eulelia  was  lovely  ?  Yessy,  yessy  ! 
She  was  sweeter  than  any  other  woman,  and 
there  was  more  of  her.  She  was  an  only  child ! 
But  she  was  much !  It  is  good  to  have  something 
to  lean  against.  So  she  said  we  would  go  forth 
to  Pic-Mc.  So  everybody  went.  That  is  why 
we  had  a  good  time. 

It  is  only  four  miles  to  the  sylvan  grotto 
where  rural  felicity  had  secreted  himself.  Rural 
felicity !  Them  is  the  feller ! 

Eulelia  went  first,  and  I  followed  her  with  the 
things.  I  have  been  told  that  we  wanted  for 
nothing.  But  we  did.  I  wanted  a  horse  to 
aid  me  in  toting  things.  It  was  a  hot  day,  or 
there  would  have  been  no  need  of  Pic-Nic 
We  walked  four  miles,  Eulelia  ahead,  and  1 
carrying  and  drawing  the  things.  Eulelia  ia 
playful.  She  got  off  a  pun  at  which  all  thi 


As  a  Pic-Nic-isi.  213 

others  smiled  severely.  She  said  I  was  good  at 
drawing!  I  should  say  so.  So  would  any  one 
be  who  had  my  load. 

We  went  to  the  top  of  a  high  hill  to  get  a 
breeze!  Eulelia  said  it  would  be  cooler  there. 
That  was  what  we  sought,  and  perspired  because 
we  found  it  not.  It  was  a  high  hill.  On  the 
brink  of  a  precipice.  There  was  one  tree  there. 
The  breeze,  therefore,  had  a  fair  sweep.  At  ten 
o'clock  we  reached  the  summit.  As  an  activi- 
test  I  bore  good  repute.  Two  miles  distant,  in 
the  woods,  at  the  foot  of  the  hill,  was  a  cool 
spring.  Being  a  nice,  good-natured,  active, 
little  man,  I  was  sent  for  water.  Eulelia  said 
I  could  go  just  as  well  as  not.  She  takes  pride 
in  my  agility.  I  did  not  hear  the  suggestion. 
Eulelia  lifted  up  her  voice.  I  heard  and  went. 
No  gentleman  will  contradict  his  wife ! 

Them  other  fellers  said  they  would  fix  things, 
and  I  might  rest  by  going  for  water.  I  went 
down  the  hill  at  the  peril  and  danger  of  my  life 


214  As  a  Pic-Nic-ist. 

— what  was  left.  And  I  had  such  a  pleasant 
time  getting  back.  Two  pails  full  of  water — 
not  a  dry  joke,  else  why  this  perspiration?  I 
enjoyed  this  rise  in  the  world,  and  thanked 
Eulelia  for  the  same. 

When  I  returned  with  water  they  had  fixed 
things.  They  were  seated  on  the  grass,  under 
the  tree.  The  claret  was  no  more.  The  ice  lay 
weeping  in  the  sun.  Eulelia  said  it  made  it 
Beem  cooler !  And  she  said  if  the  ice  melted  I 
would  go  back  for  more.  Sagacious  sylph! 
Never  contradict  your  wife ! 

Pretty  soon  we  had  dinner.  Eulelia  said  I 
could  set  lunch  better  than  any  other  man.  The 
other  fellers  said  so.  They  sat  in  the  shade, 
smashing  flies,  while  I  spread  for  lunch.  The 
marble-top  table  came  handy. 

I  asked  one  of  the  gentlemen  if  he  would 
open  the  sardines  and  cut  the  lemons.  He  was  a 
gentleman,  and  remarked — 

"  I'll  see  you  in first  i " 


As  a  Pie-Nicest.  215 

He  was  a  playful  duck.  I  opened  the  sardines 
— all  but  him  !  The  folks  said  I  was  a  nice 
rrfftn,  so  kind  and  agreeable ! 

We  had  a  fine  dinner.  I  had  what  was  left. 
Then  Eulelia  proposed  that  we  have  a  swing 
erected. 

Being  a  spry  man,  I  had  to  climb  a  tree  to 
adjust  the  ropes.  It  wan't  the  distance  up,  but 
it  was  the  roughness — very  hard  on  wearing 
apparel.  At  last  I  fixed  the  ropes.  The  swing 
was  too  low.  It  dragged  on  the  ground. 

Being  a  man  of  muscle,  and  expert  in  the  use 
of  pickaxe,  I  had  to  grub  a  trench.  Eulelia  said 
I  could  do  it  quicker  than  any  other  man,  and — • 
no  gentleman  will  contradict  his  wife ! 

I  picked  and  shoveled  for  three  hours,  and  at 
last  removed  enough  rocks  to  start  the  swing. 
We  had  a  good  time.  It  is  fun  to  swing. 

Trenching  is  good.  My  trench  was  wide  and 
deep,  that  the  hoops  might  clear.  Eulelia  she 
tried  it.  Four  of  us  steadied  her  into  the  con- 


216  As  a,  Pid-Nlc-ist. 

trivance.  We  pulled  her  back,  like  the  cock  to 
an  old  musket,  and  then  let  her  go.  She  went 
through  the  air  like  a  humming-bird — like*  a 
fairy.  I  began  singing — 

"  See  !  oh,  see  my  flower  I  " 

When  there  was  a  screech !  The  limb  to  which 
the  rope  was  fastened  failed  to  keep  up.  It 
lacked  backbone!  It  let  down,  and  Eulelia 
was  fast  in  the  trench.  Being  very  modest,  she 
would  allow  no  one  but  me  to  help  her  out! 
I  worked  two  hours  enlarging  the  trench,  and 
at  last  rescued  her. 

I  wanted  her  to  try  it  again,  but  she  smiled 
sweetly,  and  said  one  .plateful  was  enough. 
Being  active,  I  had  to  run  down  hill  and  back  to 
the  city  for  arnica  liniment.  Eulelia  wanted  it. 
I  didn't  ask  her  what  for.  It  was  none  of  my 
business.  Husbands,  obey  your  wives ! 

Exercise  is  good.  I  had  enough  that  day. 
1  got  this  flower  and  that  flower.  I  climbed 


As  a  Pic-Nicest.  217 

to  the  tops  of  trees  like  a  red  squirrel  after 
something.  I  was  let  down  the  precipice  by 
a  rope  to  hunt  for  eagles'  nests.  I  was  sent 
after  water,  ice,  and  such  things,  and  seriously 
hurt  my  pants  in  the  bird's-nest  business. 

But  we  had  a  delightful  time.  Such  a  cool, 
pleasant  time!  Eulelia  drank  so  much  lem 
onade  she  was  sick.  So  I  drew  her  to  the 
edge  of  the  precipice  in  the  little  wagon  I  had 
dragged  along,  and  let  the  breezes  fan  her  brow. 

The  others  couldn't  wait,  and  they  went. 
Eulelia  wanted  to  see  the  moon  rise.  She  said 
it  would  be  nice  to  look  down  and  see  it  come 
up.  So  she  sent  me  home  with  the  things, 
and  told  me  to  hurry  back  for  her  as  soon  as 
I  could,  like  a  dear  little  man.  Then  she  sat 
on  the  edge  of  the  rock,  her  feet  pointing  to 
the  hunting-grounds  beyond  La  Crosse.  In  one 
hand  she  held  her  parasol,  and  in  the  other 
her  book,  while  her  pretty  poodle  snoozed  in 
her  lap. 


218  As  a  Pic-Nic-ist. 

Eulelia  was  happy — I  knew  it.  The  sun 
was  sinking  in  the  West.  The  gnats  and  mos 
quitoes  were  tuning  their  lyres  and  biting 
Eulelia's  nose,  but  she  was  bound  to  see  the 
moon  rise.  Nothing  like  a  novelty. 

As  I  gayly  swore  my  way  down  the  rocky 
steep,  I  saw  a  picture. 

It  was  Eulelia  on  a  rock,  singing — 

"  I  want  to  be  an  Angel  I  " 

Such  a  day  of  sport !     Let  all  who  want  thn 
go  to  a  pic-nic. 
Agilitiously  Thine, 

"  POMBKOT. 


CHAPTER  XXIY. 
"  BRICK  "  AND  THE  SCHOOI-MARMS. 

lUST  full  of  them  ! 

Oh,  son  of  mortal  parents !  did  you 
ever?  Only  think — half  a  regiment 
of  school-marms  on  a  visit  to  La  Crossel 
Who  cares  for  business,  for  newspapers,  for 
meals  or  lodging,  wealth,  playthings,  or  rai 
ment;  for  are  not  the  school-marms  here  on  a 
visit  to  stay  with  and  bless  us  three  days — to 
tantalize  us  with  their  bright  eyes,  pretty  faces, 
funny  waterfalls,  neat  dresses,  ripe  lips,  peachy 
cheeke,  gentle  manners — and — and — 


220       "Brick  "  and  tht  School-Marms. 

"Ob  I  want  to  be  an  angel. 
And  with  a  angel  stand, 
Or  sit  along  with  school-marms, 
And  hold  'em  by  the  hand !  " 

If  we  go  to  the   post-office,  they  are  there  I 

If  we  go  to  the  bank,  they  are  there ! 

If  we  wander  forth  to  look  for  local  items, 
behold,  fifteen  school-marms  are  there! 

If  we  fly  to  the  bluffs,  on  our  running  horse, 
behold,  they  are  there,  looking  for  roses,  and 
posies,  to  hold  up  to  their  noses ! 

If  we  wander  forth  where  there  is  a  crowd 
of  youngsters  playing  with  kites,  behold  more 
than  a  multitude  of  school-marms  are  there, 
like  spiders  waiting  to  pounce  on  their  prey  1 

Go  where  we  will,  there  are  school-marms, 
and  nine-tenths  of  our  citizens  are  going  crazy. 
Sweethearts  here  residing  tremble  when  their 
lovers  pause  to  look ;  married  ladies  look  their 
prettiest  to  retain  their  loves ;  and  all  the  beard 
less  boys  in  town  are  wishing  they  were  » 


"Brick"  (Mid  the  School-Marms.       221 

little  older !  It's  the  school-marms.  And  four 
fifths  of  them  are  Democrats,  and  things  of 
beauty  are  joys  forever.  Selah! 

I'd  like  to  be  a  school-marm — 

And  wouldn't  I  if  I  could  ? 
It's  you  love,  they  love,  I  love, 

How  they  make  us  all  feel  good  1 

Oh,  Father  of  our  Country !  Beloved  "Wash 
ington  !  we  look  up  to  that  smiling  face  so  sadly 
beaming,  and  think  how  much  you  missed  by  not 
being  at  La  Crosse !  And  the  noble  patriots  of 
the  revolution,  with  their  blood-stained  banners, 
and  their  elastic  step,  and  their  pretty  balmo- 
rals 

Confound  it,  here  we  are  on  the  school-marms ! 

And  where  was  Clay,  and  Webster,  and 
Horace  Greeley,  and  the  founders  of  the  Roman 
Empire  ?  They  lived  as  do  we,  but  they  saw  not 
the  sights  our  eyesight  has  this  day  sighted — 
Bchool-marms  by  the  multitude.  The  names  w« 


222       "Brick"  and  the  School-Marms. 

have  quoted  all  belonged  to  men  who  have  lived 
in  history,  but  are  now  dead  t  They  had  friends, 
and  they  saw — such  bright  eyes  and  lips,  just 
good  enough  for  even  the  editors  of  the  La  Crosse 
DEMOCRAT  to  taste,  and  the  prettiest  mouth,  and 
the  most  charming  na/ivete,  and  the  bewildering 
effect  of 

Here  we  are,  on  the  school-marms  again ! 

The  Constitution  expressly  says  that  taxation 
shall  be  equal — that  the  rights  of  States  shall 
never  be  wrested  from  them — and  that  a  people 
who  have  suffered  long  from  evils  unmentionable, 
shall  have  new  unmentionables — and  our  white 
vest  and  well-shaved  face,  and  a  clean  white 
handkerchief — then  bring  our  new  boots  and 
switch-cane,  that  we  may  just  step  out  a  few 
moments 

Confound  the  school-marms!  How  can  we 
write  on  politics  now  ? 

But  to  resume  our  seat  at  the  desk.  Here  is 
a  letter  advising  us  to  speak  more  boldly  for 


"Brick"  and  the  School-Marms.       223 

repudiation.  "Well  do  we  know  that  the  war 
debt  is  a  burden  imposed  for  no  good,  but  the 
people  are  willing  dupes,  running  here,  and— 
there  goes  four  more  school-marms,  and  I'd  give 
just  forty  dollars  in  gold  if  that  one  with  the 
witching  eyes  and  dark  hair  was  my  sweetheart, 
when  I'd 

Wander  forth  by  moonlight 

Along  with  that  school-marm, 
And,  golly,  how  I'd  fight 

To  shelter  her  from  harm  1 

Now,  how  can  a  man  write  editorials  to-day  ! 
If  we  open  a  letter,  there  is  a  school-marm  with 
red  lips,  saying  plain  as  possible,  "  Don't ! " 

And  if  we  would  make  change  in  settling  for 
something,  there  is,  in  the  cash-box,  another 
school-marm,  with  the  sweetest  mouth,  seeming  to 
say  "  Do."  And  you  bet — no,  you  needn't  bet— 
you'd  lose ! 

And  if  we  tear  the  wrapper  from  one  of  our 


224       "Brick  "  cmd  the  School-Marms. 

exchanges,  behold  we  see  nothing  but  a  schooV 
marin — 

Gay  as  a  butterfly, 

And  none  can  compare 
"With  one  little  school-marm 

Who  sat  right  over  there  I 

Close  the  office  —  shut  the  doors — stop  the 
presses,  open  no  more  mails,  for  the  school-marms 
are  here !  Let  business  go  to  the  dogs,  and  let 
everybody  have  a  rest,  that  we  may  gaze  on  half 
a  regiment  of  girls,  most  of  them  handsome. 
Golly  1  Don't  we  sigh  for  the  good  old  days, 
when  we  used  to  stay  after  school  to  sweep  the 
school-house  and  kiss  our  teacher. 


*         *         *         *  •      * 

*        * 

11             pretty  Jane 

Spelling-book   *        *        * 

*          n 

11        *       December 

***** 

*         * 

11             Once  again  I 

Go  it,  boys  1    School-marms !  take  'em  on  tfu 

fly! 


"JBrick "  and  the  School-Marms.       225 

Just  think  of  it — half  a  regiment  of  handsome 
girls  in  La  Crosse — all  visitors — all  the  observed 
of  all  observers — all  out  to  Convention.  HOTH 
many  a  heart  will  follow  them  home.  They  will 
be  pillars  of  smoke  by  day  and  waterfalls  of  fire 
by  night  to  lead  our  La  Crosse  boys  over  the 
country  from  home  bases  to  other  fields. 

"  Tell  the  "  school-marms  all  around  you 

not  to  do  it.  Tell  them  not  to  take  prisoners  the 
ones  who  never  saw  such  beings  of  beauty  be 
fore. 

Egad,  how  I'd  like  to  be  school-marm  I 

I'd  like  to  be  a  school-marm, 
And  with  the  school-marms  stand, 
With  a  bad  boy  over  a  barrel 
And  a  spanker  in  my  hand. 

And  when  the  exercises  were  over,  how  th« 
little  younkeys  would  run  home,  singing — 

u  I  would  not  live  forever, 

I  ask  col  to  stay 
10* 


226       "Brick  "  and  the  School-Mcvrms. 

Where  an  out-of-patience  school-marm 
Does  things  in  that  way  1 " 

"Wouldn't  it  be  fine  to  go  to  some  of  these 
school-marms'  temples  and  be  set  with  the  girls, 
and  kept  after  school!  Some  of  them  would 
witchety-switchety  our  little  legs,  and  spank  our 
little  ears,  and  stand  us  on  little  dunce-blocks — 
oh,  no ! 

"  High  over  the  hill-tops  resounding, 
Come  the  notes  of  deeds  begun ! 
'  Come  out,  Bill  Jones,  and  take  your  pounding, 

For  I  saw  you  tickling  Julia  Plum.' 
So  Bill  comes  out,  his  shirt  and  breeches 

Well  shaken  by  his  trembling  form, 
And  the  school-marm  larrups  him  with  switches, 
Till  his  resting-place  is  awful  warm  I  " 

Ton  bet !  "  Now,  Bill  Jones,  go  to  your 
seat,  and  keep  your  fingers  away  from  Julia's 
ribs ! "  "  Please,  school-marm,  may  I  gc  out  ?  " 
"  Hold  your  hush,  what  are  you  'bout  ?  What 


"Brick"  mid  the  School-Mourns.       227 

you  want  to  go  for  ? "  "  Please,  ma'am,  I  can't 
tell,"  "  Then  keep  your  feet  together,  while 
you  spell!" 

We'd  love  'em — we'd  take  'em  apples,  candy, 
bouquets,  newspapers  with  love  stories  in,  and 
we'd  kiss  them  if  they'd  let  us.  Don't  say  no— 

"  Teach  not  thy  lips  such  scorn,  for  it  was  mad* 
For  kissing,  lady,  not  for  such  contempt." 

And  then  all  the  other  boysl  wouldn't  they 
be  jealous  ?  Wouldn't  the  green  one-eyed  lob- 
eters  gnash  their  teeth  and  refuse  to  learn 
their  lessons? 

"  Hence,  jealousy ;    thou  fatal,  lying  fiend, 
Thou  false  seducer  of  our  hearts,  begone  I " 

but  don't  take  the  school-marms,  for — 

"  I  loved  Ophelia  (a  school-marm). 
Forty  thousand  brothers  could  not 
With  all  their  quantity  of  love  do  more  I " 

How  truly  did  Shenstone,  who  being  a 
Shen-stone,  was  harder  than  a  Brick,  say— 


228        "Brick"  and  the  School- Marms. 

"  In  every  village  marked  with  little  spire, 
Embowered  in  trees  and  hardly  known  to  fame, 
A  matron  old,  whom  we  school-mistress  name, 
"Who  boasts  unruly  brats  with  birch  to  tame." 

Taming  is  good — tanning  would  be  better! 
We  think  of  the  past — of  the  little  boyish 
days  when,  just  for  dropping  a  small  piece  of 
ice  down  the  back  of  Mary ,  our  sweet 
heart,  so  called,  we  took  a  rest  across  the 
knees  of  a  school-marm,  and — and — and  it's  a 
tender  subject!  "We  can't  tell  the  particulars, 
don't  ask  us  to,  but  hers  was  a  stern  duty, 
and  all  the  rest  of  that  day  it  seemed  as  if  we 
were  sitting  on  long  sticks  of  pepper-candy ! 

Oh!   generous  warmth,  how  easy  to  find 

A  something  hot  behind  youl 
That  is,  if  you  are  bound  not  to  mind, 

The  indignant  school-marm,  mind  you !  " 

Just  then  the  roar  of  battle  over  the  hill 
told  of  an  engagement.  Stonewall  Jackson 
rode  up  and  shouted — 


"  Brick  "  and  the  SchoolrMcvrms.         229 

u  By  thunder,  ain't  she  handsome  ?  Such  eyes, 
inch  a  kissable  mouth,  such  a  winning  look, 
enough  to  make  every  scholar  love  her,  and 
don't  I  wish  I  was  a  scholar  that  I  might — 

Here  we  are,  on  the  school-marms  again ! 

We  can't  write  to-day — the  spirit  is  willing, 
but  the  flesh  is  weak.  There  is  too  much  excite 
ment  in  the  air  —  too  much  school-marm.  And 
only  think — 

"Mother,  I've  come  home  to  drink  1  M 

All  the  school-marms  are  to  be  courted,  kissed, 
caressed,  wedded,  go  to  housekeeping,  and,  in 
time — read  this  article  and  say  if  it  is  so  or  not  1 
None  of  your  business — if  you  can't  guess,  we 
won't  tell.  And  they  will  all  have  lovers,  and 
all  be  happy — 

When  their  spanking  days  are  over 

And  tha  ferule  is  at  rest — 
When  the  school-marms  all  have  husbands^ 

And — well — never  mind  the  rest 


230        "Brick "  cmd  the  School-Marms. 

Pretty  soon  they  will  leave — they  will  rise 
their  Convention  and  go  somewhere,  and  the 
places  that  knew  them  will  speak  of  them  for 
many  a  day.  And  they  will  in  time  return  to 
their  stern  duties,  and  the  children  of  the  State 
will  be  kept  warm  ! 

How  I'd  like  to  be  a  teacher, 
And  with  the  school-marms  go, 

For  here  are  just  a  few  mas-cu-lines 
To  a  hundred  girls  or  so  I 

Well,  they  are  a  good  thing,  and  we  can't 
have  too  much  of  them.  They  will  excuse  this 
chapter  of  nonsense,  for  girls  always  affect  us  in 
that  way.  We  must  have  our  say,  and  they'd 
rather  we'd  say  this  than  keep  silent.  We  love 
school-marms,  it  they  are  good  —  and  most  of 
them  in  this  country  are.  We  wish  them  well — 
hope  they  will  have  a  pleasant  visit — enjoy  their 
trip — have  a  glorious  ride  on  the  river — have  lota 
of  fun — all  find  good  lovers,  and  in  time  have 


"  Brick  "  and  the  School-Marms.        231 

lots  oi  children  for  other  6chool:marms  to  care 
for.  And  rather  than  have  them  come  here 
in  a  body  and  pull  our  ears,  or  switch  our 
walkers,  we'd  rather  they  would,  when  over  their 
ramble  and  visit,  go  home  and  spank  niggerism 
out  of  the  lambs  of  their  respective  flocks,  and 
teach  the  young  to  love  the  white  folks  and  the 
school  marms,  as  well  as  does, 

Figuratively  thine, 

"  POMBBOT 


CHAPTEEXXV. 

WISCONSIN  SCHOOL-MARM  CONVENTION. 

one  of  the  ships  that  sail  up  and 
down  the  national  ravine,  from  La 
Crosse  to  St.  Paul,  went  two  hundred 
school-marms  of  both  sexes,  all  ages  and  con 
ditions,  marital  and  otherwise.  The  doings  at 
La  Crosse  had  terminated  in  a  Sailing  spell, 
Basely  played  on  the  most  be-nine  of  the 
teachers!  The  girls  had  been  looked  at  and 
their  sweethearts  envied — the  smart  male 
inarms  had  unloaded  their  brains — the  nimphia 
and  muggins  had  been  filled  up  with  ice-water 
and  fresh  air — we  had  looked  and  longed  and 


Wisconsin  SchooL-Mo/rm,  Convention. 

longed  and    looked    at   this  peripatetic    bowel 
of  education   for  three  days  and — Selah! 

The  party  had  started  for  St.  Paul.  It  was 
a  motley  growp.  The  ship  was  crowded,  and 
no  berths  to  be  had  for  all  the  school-marms. 
The  boat  squeaked  and  creaked  from  stem  to 
Btern — the  bed-bugs  hastened  hither  and  yon, 
anticipating  a  reach  feast.  The  other  passen 
gers  wondered  why  all  this  was  all  thus,  and 
on  we  went  like  a  toad  after  flies.  Rock  after 
rock  was  passed.  Sloos  of  islands,  and  islands 
of  sloos  were  left.  We  had  looked  here,  and 
"do  look  there,"  and  "just  look  over  yonder," 
and  "then  see  that"  for  six  hours,  until  there 
was  not  an  untired  1 — imb  on  any  of  the 
educational  branches,  when  a  business  meeting 
for  the  purpose  of  developing  educational 
points  was  organized. 

Professor  Jehiel  Jagboys  was  chosen  Presi 
dent,  and  Miss  Boardie  Round  elected  Secre 
tary,  by  a  majority  of  two. 


234     Wisconsin  School-Marm  Convention. 

The  meeting  was  called  to  order,  and  "  Brick  '• 
Pomeroy,  an  invited  guest,  was  chosen  reportei 
for  the  occasion. 

Prof.  Jagboys  arose,  steadied  himself  by  a 
chair,  and  said — 

"  Gentlemen  and  lady  school-marms !  "We 
move.  Our — our — our — is  onward  and  upwards 
(cheers).  We  move  again.  From  point  to 
point.  "We  pass — pass — pass — pass — as  we  do 
points  of  interest  on  this  big  creek." 

"  Jes  so,  Jehiel,"  said  the  Secretary. 

""We  meet.  "We  meet  here.  We  did  meet 
here.  This  is  a  big  river.  "We  are  all  on  it-" 

"  Hear — hear ! "  by  everybody. 

"  That  is  to  say.    "We  are  on  the  river  to  see  it. 

"  Come  rest  on  this  bosom.' 

And  so  we  go  home  from  first  to  last — from  end 
to  end  of  this  matter.  And  now  I  thank  you.  Je 
hiel  Jagboys  thanks  you.  This  is  the  first  honor  of 
the  kind  I  ever  had.  We  will  now  hear  reports 
on  education."  And  Jehiel  doubled  himself  down 


Wisconsm  SchooL-Mcwm  Convention.     235 

Miss  Squiggle,  from  Squiggleville,  arose. 

"  Mr.  President,  I  agree  with  you  in  all  yon 
have  said,  and  more  too.  I  have  long  had  the 
same  idea !  It  is  now  thirty-two  years  since  I 
hung  my  bonnet  behind  the  door  of  a  schoolus, 
and  made  of  that  right  hand  a  warming-pa/n ! 
I'm  goin'  to  tell  my  'sperince !  You  see  me  now 
— look  at  me.  I've  grown  old  in  this  ere  busi 
ness,  but,  thank  God,  I've  never  lost  my  patience 
nor  my  beauty! 

"There  is  two  ways  to  eddicate  the  children 
of  folks.  There  is  one  way,  and  there  is  another 
way,  also!  I  knows  it!  Books  ain't  so  much 
as  gover'ment!  Gover'ment  is  more  as  books. 
As  for  me,  give  me  fewer  books  and  more  gov 
er'ment. 

"  When  bloomin'  beauty  hung  like  a  topaz  on 
my  brow,  I  was  in  demand  on  them  account. 
Some  folks  want  a  schoolus  in  the  woods,  so 
they  can  get  gads  quick.  Gads  is  good,  but 
give  me  hands — and — and — and  something  tc 


236     Wisconsin  School-Mcvrm  Convention. 

warm  'em  onl  I  never  use  mittens,  Mr. 
President!  There  is  a  better  way  to  warm 
hands! 

"  When  I  was  examined  by  Mr.  Warmus,  he 
spoke  of  government,  and  I  agreed  with  him. 
I  had  a  powerful  examination.  All  the  trus 
tees  was  there.  I  have  brought  a  diafram  of 
the  schoolus  in  which  I  was  examined,  and  the 
questions  asked. 

"  I  took  off  my  bonnet,  and  we  had  the  follow 
ing  dialogue: 

"  Deacon  Warmus,  Trustee — '  Miss  Squiggles, 
be  you  intended  for  a  teachist  ? ' 

"Miss  Squiggles,  applicant — 'If  you  please, 
thank  you.' 

"'What  is  your  best  hold?' 

" '  Gover'ment !  always.  Do  you  see  those 
hand?' 

"  '  Have  you  ever  teachered  any  ? ' 

"  *  Not  much,  but  I  have  practised  the  rudi 
mcnts  on  ten  younger  brats  of  our  family ! ' 


Wisconsin  School-Ma/rm  Convention.     237 

"  *  Do  you  understand  the  rule  of  three  ? y 

" '  I  liave  never  practised  on  but  one  at  a  time, 
but  I  had  the  other  two  ready ! ' 

" '  Are  you  familiar  with  the  tables  ? ' 

"  *  I  always  warms  'em  across  my  knee  I J 

"  '  What  would  be  your  favorite  way  to  correct 
the  bad  youth  of  the  school  \ ' 

"Til  show  you!' 

"  *  Never  mind !    "What  salary  do  you  want  ? ' 

" '  Two  dollars  a  month ! ' 

"I  was  engaged  at  once.  Our  vicinity  was 
noted  for  educational  facilities,  as  some  of  the 
best  rail-splitters  in  the  world  came  from  our 
school — their  energies  warmed  into  life  by  that 
hand,  Mr.  President !  I  wish  I  had  a  dollar,  Mr. 
President,  for  every  end  that  hand  has  accom 
plished  !  I'd  be  rich,  and  have  a  new  waterfall 
every  day,  Mr.  President ! 

"I  used  to  enjoy  teachin',  till  they  got  to 
matin'  boys  pants  t'other  side  to  1  That  rathei 
busted  me ! 


238     Wisconsin,  School-Ma/rm  Convention. 

"How  well  I  remember  once  when  I  callel  a 
boy  up  to  receive  his  regular  warmin'  I  He  waa 
the  worstest  boy  in  school.  He  grew  up  and  got 
to  editin'  a  paper  in  La  Crosse ;  and  don't  I  wish 
I  had  him  to  warm  now  ?  He  was  a  rebel  then, 
and  allers  will  be ! 

"  I  got  him  all  ready  to  warm,  and,  would  you 
believe  it,  his  folks  had  made  his  trowsers  t'other  / 
Bide  too  !  That  fashion  beat  me  completely  !  I 
never  was  so  dumbered  in  my  life — I  couldn't 
punish  him !  And  his  cousin,  who  I  was  to 
warm,  too,  had  the  same  kind  of  trowsers,  and 
actually  laughed  at  me !  That  was  a  good  fash 
ion  for  boys  !  You  bet ! 

"  I  don't  admire  wearin'  that  hand  out  beating 
dust  out  of  clothes ;  and  I  move,  Mr.  President, 
that  we  petition  Congress  to  pass  a  law  that  boys' 
pants  shall  be  made  as  they  was  made,  for  the 
new  style  is  a  'fringment  on  our  rights.  I've  got 
through  and  sot  down,  Mr.  President." 

Mr.  Miggles — J.  Theophilus  Miggles,  instead 


Wisconsin  School-Mann  Coiwention. 

of  common-sense  John  T.  Higgles — took  the 
floor  and  said — 

"Mr.  President,  and  other  school-marms:  It 
is  with  diffidence  I  rise.  I  am  but  a  country 
school-inarm.  I  have  been  too  devoted  to  educa 
tion  to  take  large  schools. 

"  I  glory  in  schools,  and  every  winter  I  teach 
schools.  I  love  it.  I  have  tried  several  voca 
tions.  I  have  taught  singing-school,  trapped  for 
musk-rats,  sold  essence,  worked  melon-patchea 
on  shares,  sold  brass  rings  and  jewler  trinkets  to 
the  children,  as  they  do  South  to  niggers ;  have 
kept  an  eel-weir,  managed  a  horse,  clerked  at 
election,  tended  toll-gate,  been  pound-master,  ex 
horted,  taught  Grecian  painting,  and  filled  other 
responsible  public  positions,  but  none  gave  me 
such  pleasure  as  teachin'  a  school-house ! 

"  Gover'ment  is  the  great  thing.  But  it  wants 
genius  to  govern.  Gads  is  good,  but  they  fatigue 
the  arm,  Mr.  President.  Duns  bloks  is  good,  but 
cot  allers  big  enough.  There  is  much  that  if 


240     Wisconsin  SchooLMarm  Convention. 

good,  but  water  is  the  best.  I  govern  by  the 
water  plan — the  studies  are  not  so  dry !  I  standi 
the  scholars  on  their  heads,  and  pours  water 
down  their  legs.  Cold  water  in  summer — hot 
water  in  winter.  I  thus  combine  pleasure  with 
punishment !  Novel  and  moral  idea,  Mr.  Presi 
dent.  The  colder  the  day  the  hotter  the  water. 
It  is 

"  The  waterfall  style  ! 

"  Some  accomplish  with  hands — some  with 
gads,  but  water  is  the  best! 

"  It  warms  'em  to  their  studies,  and  is  not  so 
dry !  I  keeps  a  pot  on  the  stove  and  boils  water 
on  purpose. 

"  Gover'ment  is  the  idea. 

"  It  ain't  the  teacherin'  so  much  as  the  governin'. 
The  duties  of  governin'  school-houses  is  no  unar- 
duous  task.  I  agree  with  Miss  Squiggles,  who 
teaches  into  the  next  deestrict  from  me,  that 
books  is  nothing  to  governin'.  That  pint  allera 
bothered  me.  There  was  Jake  Josling — he  was 


>  Wisconsin  School-Marm  Convention.     241 

the  wursterest  boy  in  all  the  school.  I  3ould 
keep  track  of  his  books  better  nor  his  tricks.  It 
is  pleasant  to  board  around,  and  to  visit  on  terms 
of  equality  with  everybody. 

"There  was  Squire  Smith — he  lived  in  fine 
style.  His  folks  was  so  glad  to  have  me  come. 
They  lived  in  a  big  house,  and  allers  made  it  so 
comfortable  for  me.  I  had  a  bed  all  to  myself. 
It  was  so  nice. 

"  And  at  Deacon  Brown's  I  had  such  a  good 
time.  The  Deacon  was  always  glad  to  see  me. 
He  knew  I  was  bashful  at  meal-times,  so  he  let 
me  eat  with  the  children,  and  sleep  with  them, 
too  !  Nothing  like  boarding  round  when  you're 
allers  welcome. 

"  But  as  I  was  saying,  governin'  a  school  is 
ticklish  business.  Jake  Josling  was  the  wurster 
est  boy  I  ever  saw.  I  have,  as  Miss  Squiggles 
so  happily  said,  accomplished  his  end  often,  but 
to  no  purpose!  And  I  have  gently  warmed 

his — as   I  said  before — with    a    ferule,  till   the 
11 


24:2     Wisconsin,  School-Ma/nn  Convention. 

t 

object  of  my  attention  looked  like  a  pile  of  raila 
struck  by  a  tornado !  Feruling  is  good,  but  ia 
hard  work  for  the  arms.  Pulling  hair  is  good, 
but  it  gets  grease  on  the  fingers.  Pulling  ears 
is  good,  but  the  fingers  slip  off!  Settin'  boys 
and  girls  together  is  good,  but  it  takes  too  much 
time  to  watch  'em.  Pouring  ink  on  their  heads 
is  very  good,  Mr.  President,  but  it  wastes  the 
ink. 

"  And,  then,  it  is  such  fun  to  have  the  con 
fidence  of  your  scholars;  to  have  them  put 
wax  on  your  chair,  red  pepper  in  your  hand 
kerchief,  oil  in  your  inkstand,  and  fetta  on  the 
etove.  I  love  playful  children,  Mr.  President, 
better  than  I  do  the  good  boys  and  girls,  for 
it  gives  us  more  chance  to  accomplish  their 
ends ! 

*'  I'm  in  favor  of  governin'  more  and  booking 
less.  I,  too,  with  Miss  Squiggles,  was  once 
dumbfounded  by  the  discovery  I  made  once  in 
regard  to  the  new  style  of  pants.  It  shocked 


Wisconsin  School-Ma/rm  Convention.     243 

me  to  see  parents  thus  interfering  to  protect 
their  ehilden  in  sin." 

The  convention  here  adjourned  for  lunch,  and 
Mr.  Theophilus  Miggles  and  Miss  Squiggles 
went  arm-in-arm  aft,  seated  themselves  on  a 
sofa,  and  told  of  school  incidents ;  as  how  they 
had  larruped  children  of  the  same  fathers, 
warmed  infants  of  the  same  mothers,  and 
decided  to  mingle  their  destinies  hereafter. 

The  last  we  saw  of  this  brace  of  teachists, 
Squiggles  was  sitting  on  a  capstan-head,  while 
Miggles  was  trotting  around,  pushing  on  a  cap 
stan-bar,  revolving  his  inamorata  that  she  might 
see  the  country !  The  hot  sun  was  beaming 
severely  down  on  his  uncovered  knob,  the  sweat 
of  perspiration  exuding  and  trickling  like  lim 
ber  molasses  down  his  neck  as  he  pantingly 
toiled,  while  the  angelic  Squiggles,  with  chio  up 
and  waterfall  thrown  back,  was  singing — 

"Please,   mamma — may  I  go  and  swim?" 
"Yes,   my  dearest  daughter — 


244     Wisconsin  School-Ma/rm  Convention. 

If  you'll  hang  your  clothes  on  a  hickory  limb, 
And  not  go  near  the  water  !  " 


Bchoolmurmuringly  thine, 


"  POMESOT. 


CHAPTEE  XXYI. 
THE  FUN  OF  SLEIGHING. 

*ijr* 

\  UN !  Of  conrse  it's  fun,  or  poets  would 
not  sing,  editors  write,  and  young 
people  dream  of  sleigh-riding.  What 
every  one  said  was  so,  we  thought  must  be 
so,  and  Saturday  afternoon  we  tried  it  on. 
First,  we  engaged  as  handsome  a  young  lady 
as  there  is  in  La  Crosse.  Oh  perplexity!  but 
she  has  captured  us,  sure !  Then  we  rented 
the  use  of  a  fast  horse,  dashing  little  conch- 
shell  of  a  cutter,  two  buffalo-robes  made  out 
of  red  cloth  and  wolf-skins,  pair  of  fur  glovea 
with  long  wrists  and  soft  imitation  mutton-fur 


24:6  The  Fim  of  SldgJimg. 

on  the  outside,  a  smooth  hairy  machine  to  envel 
op  our  ears  in,  and  around  we  went  to  the  snug 
little  Gothic  cottage  wherein  does  reside  the 
girl  who  went  with  us. 

FUN  !  Of  course  we  were  bound  to  have 
fun !  It  was  cold.  Ice-cream  in  a  hail-storm 
is  no  comparison.  We  drew  up  in  front  of 
the  house.  The  horse  was  a  fast  one — dasn't 
tie  him — spirited  creature — had  run  away  and 
killed  two  doctors  a  week  before !  We  holloed. 
The  girl  came  to  the  window.  We  nodded. 
She  nodded  and  ran  away.  We  waited  there, 
shivering  like  a  Michigan  ague,  our  molars, 
cuspids,  and  bicuspids  rattling  in  our  head  like 
Spanish  castinets.  But  don't  it  take  a  girl  a 
long  time  to  dress  ?  Guess  not,  Mary  Ann ! 
We  grew  tired  of  waiting.  Horse  got  made 
We  waited  and  amused  ourselves  with  chatter 
ing  "  Pop  goes  the  weasel !  "  In  about  an  hour 
ihe  came  out.  We  helped  her  into  the  cutter. 
She  was  all  hoops — large  circumferous  hoops! 


The  Fwn  of  Sleighing.  247 

She  got  in— occupied  five-sixths  of  the  seat! 
We  crowded  in  edgewise  like  a  coon-skin  on 
a  barn-door,  and  about  as  comfortable!  We 
started  for  the  river,  rattlety-skeeter,  snowballs 
flying  and  bells  jingling.  Somebody  said  it 
was  delicious  riding  on  the  ice.  We  headed 
that  way,  and  up  stream  we  went,  with  the 
wind  to  our  back,  bound  for  fun, 

Good  Providence!  how  cold  it  was!  A 
cast-iron  dog  in  a  well  was  nothing  to  it! 
Tried  to  talk!  Not  a  bit  of  it!  Tried  to 
laugh  at  it.  Froze  our  face  all  up  wapsided 
like  the  price  of  railroad  stock !  She  said  her 
fingers  were  cold.  We  tried  to  get  hold  of 
them  with  one  hand  for  the  purpose  of  warm 
ing  them.  Too  cold  for  that,  even.  It  rode 
smooth  enough,  but  how  aljvred  cold!  Toes 
ached  ?  Rather  think  they  did !  And  her 
toes,  ditto!  Soon  her  cheeks  began  to  crack 
open  with  the  frost — her  lips  began  to  chap! 
Had  read  somewhere  that  two-lip  salve  wa» 


248  The,  Fun  of  Sleighing. 

good  for  such  attacks!  Thought  it  would  ba 
nice  to  apply  a  little!  Got  the  horse  to 
"  whoa "  slightly.  We  dropped  the  reins  over 
the  dash  and  our  foot.  She  "snugged  up"  to 
ward  us  as  gently  as  a  juvenile  dove.  We 
never  had  kissed  her,  but  thought  this  a  good 
time.  We  "  whoa'd  "  the  horse  a  little  more — 
gently  placed  our  right  arm  around  her  muffled 
waist,  our  left  arm  around  her — her  neck,  low 
down,  and  she  sort  of  leaned  toward  us!  All 
this  time  we  were  going  up  the  river  at  the 
rate  of  ten  miles  an  hour.  We  thought  she 
was  freezing !  Heard  somewhere  that  two-lip 
Balve  was  an  "  anecdote  "  for  that !  Had  some 
along  in  case  of  an  emergency !  We  got  all 
ready — looked  behind  to  see  if  any  one  waa 
in  eight  to  make  remarks  about  us — looked 
ahead  to  see  if  all  was  clear  around  the  bend, 
and  then — "  We-<s-0-E-E ! " — but  what  an  unearth 
ly  scream,!  We  didn't  kiss  her  just  then! 
Never  knew  it  was  so  painful  to  apply  tbi 


The  Fun  of  Sleighing.  249 

salve  before!  "When  she  screamed,  the  horse 
jumped.  She  leaned  back.  One  of  our  hands 
caught  between  her  and  the  cutter  seat.  We 
grabbed  for  the  reins  —  got  them  twisted 
and  fast  around  left  boot!  Pulled  with  the 
left  hand  on  the  "gee"  rein.  Kan  against 
the  bank,  upset  the  confounded  .conch-shell 
cutter,  and  loth  of  its  got  out! — "Y-y-yip" — 
how  easy  !  The  way  we  go  out  might  have  been 
graceful  there,  but  it  would  not  have  been  in 
Broadway.  It  might  have  been  elegant,  but 
we  doubt  it!  It  might  have  been  deliberate — 
only  it  wasn't!  We  got  out  of  the  cutter, 
however,  quick  as  it  upset!  Being  more  po 
lite,  we  got  out  first !  Then  came  the  young 
lady,  with  another  "  We-e-0-e-E-E ! "  only  a  little 
shorter  1  She  lit  on  our  head.  Her  garments 
were  not  draped,  nor  did  they  appear  in  fes 
toons.  We  were  under,  the  good  Lord  only 
knows  how  many  yards  of  mixed  goods!  We 

crawled  out   and   beheld  a  general   assortment 
11* 


250  The  Fun  of  Sleighing.       ^ 

of  thick-soled  shoes,  white  woollen  Lose,  red 
elastics,  skirts,  skeleton  thing,  fiirs,  shawls, 
merino,  and  young  lady,  sadly  and  badly  mix 
ed!  The  horse  had  gone  home  with  the  cut 
ter,  robes,  and  one  boot  pulled  off  by  the 
reins!  We  were  nine  miles  from  home!  We 
helped  the  girl  up  and  smoothed  down  her 
raiment.  She  was  mad.  Says  she,  "I'll  tell 
my  ma  1 "  Says  we,  "  Don't ! "  Says  she,  "  Tou 
mean  feller  —  upset  a-purpose !  "  We  denied 
the  soft  impeachment,  but  it  was  no  use,  and 
we  started  home  on  foot.  Well,  if  it  wow^t 
chilly !  How  our  teeth  chattered !  Our  noses 
looked  as  blue  as  an  old  cent!  She  was  mad! 
Ditto.  She  said  sleighing  was  a  humbug ! 
Ditto.  She  said  she'd  never  go  out  with  a 
"  Brick "  again !  We  walked  half  a  mile.  The 
sleet  was  driving  in  our  face  awfully.  Looked 
back,  and  saw,  two  miles  off,  a  team  coming. 
Sat  down  on  the  ice  to  rest.  Bundled  up  the 
girl — took  off  our  Russian  coat,  sat  down  bj 


The  Fim  of  Sldghmg.  251 

her   on    the    ice    to  keep  her   warm.     It  was 

rather  cool  where  we  sat!      Moved  a  little — 

didn't  feel  it  as  much.      Her    cheeks    looked 

inflamed.     Our  heart  felt  the  same  way!     She 

sighed,  and   we   sided  up   to   her.      Told   he* 

two-lip  salve  was  good.      She  didn't  doubt  it, 

but  it  was  too  cold  to  spread  well!      We  tried 

it  again.    We-e-e-e-E-E !     It  must  have  been  the 

cold  that  made  it  hurt  so  to  apply  the  salve. 

In-doors,  it's   fun  to  use  it.     We  sat  there  and 

waited.     The  team  hove  in  sight!     Drove  up 

and  stopped.     It  was  a  Norwegian  with  a  load 

of  wood!      Good  rugged  place  for  young  lady 

to  ride,  but   there  was  no  help.     She  got  up. 

We  tried  to,    and  couldn't.      Pants  had  froze 

fast  to  the  ice  !     Tried  again — "  rip ! "  and  how 

the  cold  air  rushed  in  upon  our  spinal  mem- 

brino!     Tried  again,  and  "rip,"  and  more  cold 

air.     The  girl   took  us  by  the  hand — another 

lf  rip ! "    and   a  piece   of    our    French  doeskin 

pante,  about  the  size  of  the  end  of  a  muff,  la} 


252  The  Fim  of  Sleighing. 

there  on  the  cold  ice !  We  complained  of  the 
cold.  Norwegian  said  it  would  be  wnrmer  if 
we  wore  drawers.  Agreed  with  him  !  Helped 
the  young  lady  climb  on  the  sled — bundled 
her  up  with  overcoat  and  light  wood,  and 
came  along  very  gradually,  indeed.  Asked 
Norwegian  his  name.  He  said  it  was  Turner 
Overson !  Young  lady  heard  the  last  sen 
tence — thought  he  meant  it — jumped  off  with 
another  " "We-e-0-e-E-E ! — no  you  don't!"  She 
wouldn't  ride  there  are  any  more  1  Hired  a 
sleigh  and  driver,  and  enveloped  in  cold  straw 
and  shivers,  and  came  into  the  city  behind 
two  mules,  at  the  rate  of  a  mile  in  two 
hours.  Half  a  mile  to  each  mule !  We  took 
the  young  lady  home,  and  have  not  been  to 
Bee  her  since.  The  doctor  says  her  nose;  one 
ear,  both  cheeks,  one  hand,  and  one  foot  are 
frost-bitten!  We  are  worse  off  than  chat. 
Haven't  been  out  of  the  house  for  a 
back !  We're  all  frosted,  from  top  to  toa 


The  Fim  of  Sleighing.  •  253 

The  horse  came  home  in  speed  and  disgust 
He  spilt  the  robes,  broke  the  cutter,  and  sprained 
his  leg,  so  we  have  him  to  pay  for.  Our  ride— 
our  immensely  pleasant  ride,  has  cost  us  over 
four  hundred  dollars  already,  besides  the  loss  of 
a  kiss,  the  young  lady,  and  a  few  thousands  aftei 
marriage !  If  we  ever  go  out  for  such  fun,  some 
blind  man  will  please  shoot  us.  If  that  is  sport, 
we  pass !  It's  a  humbug — a  chimera — a  delusion 
— a — a — a  horn-swogglement.  We  shall  never 
engage  in  it  again.  If  you  want  to  sleigh-ride, 
go  it,  but  excuse  us.  This  freezing  to  death  for 
the  sake  of  sitting  by  the  side  of  a  pretty  girl, 
is  all  a  humbug,  especially  when  Sunday  nights 
are  as  long  as  now. 

P.  S. — A  pair  of  fur  gloves,  hair  thing  for  the 
ears,  and  muffler,  for  sale  cheap.  They  are  fine 
articles  but  the  owner  has  no  further  use  foi 
them  1 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

SLOBBERING  PARTIES — FOR  THE  HEATHEN  ! 

g 

MODEST  rap,  rap  and  a  half,  or  two 

raps  on  the  door. 
"  Come  in." 

"  Good-inorning,  '  Brick.' " 

"  Ditto,  Deacon." 

"  To-night  we  have  a  sociable  at  our  house — a 
meeting  of  those  who  are  willing  to  do  a  little 
something  for  the  benefit  of  the  heathen — a  so 
cial  gathering  of  young  and  old,  and  we  wish 
you  to  attend  " 

"  What's  the  exercise  programme  ? " 

"  Oh !  nothing  out  of  the  way — social  sociabil 


Slobbering  Pa/rties.  255 

ity — chat  with  the  ladies — promenade  with  the 
girls — games — reading  from  a  book — a  little 
ftm — contribution — refreshments,  such  as  cold 
water  and  opening  and  closing  the  draft  to  the 
stove  ! — good-night — home  with  the  girls,  etc." 

"  Will  attend  !  " 

"  And  bring  a  lady  ? " 

"  And  bring  a  lady ' " 

"  Good-morning ! " 

"  Ditto,  Deacon  ! " 

After  supper  we  read  Chesterfield.  Then  we 
looked  through  our  wardrobe  for  a  ruffled  shirt. 
Then  we  gave  a  barber  ten  cents  for  a  dime's 
worth  of  facing.  The  next  move  was  to  eradi 
cate  the  dust  from  our  imported  goods.  This 
done,  with  trembling  heart  we  started  for  the  soci. 

We  always  were  some  on  the  ambition.  Ac 
tuated  thus,  we  had  invited  the  handsomest  girl 
in  La  Crosse  to  go  with  us  to  help  the  heathen 
out  of  their  religious  panic.  She  was  ike  flower 
of  the  family,  and  there  were  thirteen  flowers  of 


256  Slobbering  Parties. 

them !  She  was  handsome — dreadfully  hana 
She  was  the  sweetest  in  the  rosary — the  gayest 
of  the  gay — the  one  altogether  lovely.  When  we 
emerged  outside  from  the  sill  of  her  father's  dom 
icile,  and  saw  Bluffer,  our  rival,  riding  by  with 
a  mad  look,  how  our  heart  ambitionated  as  she 
placed  her  pretty  hand  within  the  graceful  bend 
of  our  broadcloth !  Guess  not1 

We  went  to  the  sociable. 

Everybody  was  there.  The  house  was  crowd 
ed.  Didn't  know  the  heathen  had  so  many 
friends.  Our  Mirilda — that's  her  name — was  the 
prettiest  girl  there.  That  made  us  feel  good. 
We  were  late,  and  the  chairs,  sofas,  settees,  otto 
mans,  stools,  etc.,  were  occupied.  Mirilda  must 
have  a  seat,  and  to  get  it  she  had  to  sit  on  the 
wood-box.  Didn't  like  that.  We  stood  up. 
The  sociable  began.  A  nasal  chap  read  some 
thing — couldn't  tell  what.  Then  commenced  the 
chat  with  the  ladies.  Mirilda  was  the  rose  every 
one  was  after.  Good  for  Mirilda,  but  we  didn't 


Slathering  Parties.  257 

relish  it.  Every  putty-head  in  the  room  was 
bound  to  monopolize  her.  We  felt  mad,  and 
inwardly  said,  darn  the  heathen.  Then  we  had 
games.  There  were  forfeits  to  pay,  and  ol(? 
Mother  "Wattles  was  the  judge.  She  did  not 
like  us,  because  we  did  not  marry  her  daughter. 
She  knew  we  hankered  after  Mirilda,  because  we 
had  told  her  in  confidence,  and,  unable  to  hold  so 
important  an  item  alone,  she  had  got  the  help  of 
all  the  old  gossips  in  the  city.  She  was  judge,  aa 
before  stated,  and  every  time  a  feller  did  any 
thing  she  made  him  kiss  Mirilda. 

DABN  THE  HEATHEN. 

Deacon  Rattler  did  something,  and  he  must 
make  a  "  butter  bowl "  with  our  own  sweet  girl. 
And  he  put  his  hands  over  his  ugly  face,  and 
blindfold  kissed  her  six  several  and  distinct 
times ;  right  in  the  mouth  at  that !  The  gray 
old  nuisance !  To  see  him  kissing  Mirilda  made 
us  feel  as  a  lady  feels  to  see  a  jackass  stamping 
around  in  a  bed  of  pinks. 


258  Slobbering  Parties. 

Then  a  little  runt  with  some  goose- fuzz  on  hia 
upper  lip  had  to  kiss  her  ten  times.  Then  the 
school-master  had  to  take  a  trial  at  it,  with  hii 
essence-of-cinnamon-scented  head !  Then  a  doz 
en  dry-goods  clerks,  who  Mirilda  never  would 
have  let  kiss  her  if  it  wasn't  for  fashion,  had 
to  help  themselves  to  bliss  from  her  ruby  ware 
house  ! 

DARN  THE  HEATHEN. 

After  a  while — a  very  long  while,  too,  it  came 
our  turn,  and  we  stood  madus  erectus  in  frontis 
the  plethoric  female  judiciary!  "We  knew  she 
would  tell  us  to  kiss  Mirilda,  and  we  decided  not 
to  do  it — just  out  of  spite  !  But  confound  her  if 
she  didn't  sentence  us  to  go  and  get  down  ou 
our  knees  before  Miss  Slimmer,  an  old  maid  of 
fifty-five,  and  then  she  was  to  kneel  too,  and  we 
were  to  kiss  her  twelve  times  by  the  thermom 
eter  !  We  did  it !  Miss  Slimmer  went  at  it 
like  a  dog  after  a  rabbit,  but  then  we  do  wish 
she'd  let  onions  alone  til]  after  such  exercisea 


Sidbb&r-vng  Parties.  259 

They  don't  add   to  such  things,  even   in  her 
case! 

CONFOUND  THE  HEATHEN. 

At  last  the  sociable  was  over  1  OUT  Mirilda 
had  been  kissed,  slobbered,  mussed,  and  mousled 
over  by  every  chap  in  the  room  till  she  looked 
like  a  pan  of  currants,  half  green,  half  ripe ! 
The  plate  was  passed,  and  each  donated.  Not  a 
donate  from  us !  We  passed,  too !  We  felt 
dreadfully  womblecropt,  and  with  Mirilda  on 
our  arm  went  home,  disgusted  with  all  such 
"  kissing'  bees  "  for  the  sake  of  the  heathen — con 
found  them  !  "We  didn't  stay  long  at  her  house. 
We  felt  mad  like !  Mirilda  felt  sort  of  poorly, 
too,  and  said  she  didn't  want  to  go  again.  Said 
she'd  rather  buy  those  groceries  by  the  retail,  as 
too  many  of  them  spoiled  the  market !  We 
kissed  her  good-night,  and  from  her  lips  we 
tasted  cardamom  seeds,  tobacco,  cloves,  sardines, 
cassia  buds,  lager-beer,  camomile  flowers, 
Switzer  cheese,  gin  cocktails,  liquorice  root,  hard 


260  Sloblermg  Parties. 

cider,  sweet  flag,  and  the  Lord  only  knows  what 
else  !  All  the  effects  of  promiscuous  kissing — foi 
the  benefit  of  the  heathen  ! 

Fashion  sanctions  it  ?  Darn  fashion !  That's 
all !  Who  wants  to  take  the  girl  he  loves  to 
such  parties,  where  every  mutton-head  has 
license  to  kiss,  slobber,  and  mousel  over  lipa 
which  at  no  other  time  could  he  dare  to  touch ! 
It  must  be  pleasant  for  girls  to  be  chawed  up 
and  slobbered  over  by  everybody  in  the  room, 
It's  so  modest !  It  looks  so  angelic-like  !  When 
woman's  lips  become  public  property,"  we  quit. 
How  sweet  is  the  kiss  tinctured  up  like  a  drug 
Btore !  It  looks  so  retiring  and  lady-like  to  see  a 
pair  of  ruby  lips  one  has  a  love  for,  sitting  out 
like  a  horse  block !  Fashion  may  tolerate  it,  but 
fashion  is  a  fool — a  very  foolish  fool  at  that !  It 
will  do  to  steal  kisses  by  moonlight — when 
sleigh-riding — when  standing  by  the  gate  to  say 
good-night;  or  to  delicately  pluck  those  ripe 
enough  to  fall,  as  you  sit  on  a  sofa  with  tt  e  lamf 


Slollwing  Parties.  261 

turned  down  as  if  asleep,  one  arm  around  thf 
waist,  the  head  carelessly  resting  on  your  shoul 
der,  and  the  lips  just  opened  as  heaven  opens  to 
'et  in  a  loved  spirit;  but  this  promiscuous 
slobbering,  with  a  hundred  raw  eyes  watching 
and  waiting  for  a  like  chance,  is  too  much  foi 
the  human. 
CONFOUND  TOUR  HEATHEN-^$A  PASTIES! 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 
WONDERFUL  HAIB-REPRODUCKR 

,  of  New  York,  sent  us  a  cake 
of  his  Onguent,  with  the  modest  re 
quest  to  "  puff  it,  and  send  the  bill.v 
,  Venerable  and  far-sighted  capillary  producer ! 
We  do,  and  more  too.  Tour  Onguent  is  a  big 
thing.  Although  in  small  cakes,  it  is  neverthe 
less  a  colossal  item.  "We  tried  it.  Following 
the  printed  directions  given,  we  made  a  lather 
and  applied  the  brush.  The  lather  was  mixed 
in  a  glass  dish,  and  in  four  minutes  a  beautiful 
hair,  all  shades  of  color,  had  started  from  the 


Wonderful  Hair-Reproducer.  26$ 

dish.  We  applied  some  to  our  face,  and  it  took 
four  swift-working  barbers  to  cut  down  and  mow 
away  as  fast  as  the  beard  grew.  We  jut  a  little 
on  the  toe  of  each  boot,  and  in  an  hour  thej 
looked  like  Zouave  mustaches.  We  put  some 
on  a  crowbar,  and  it  is  covered  with  long,  curly 
hair  like  a  buffalo,  and  in  the  coldest  weather  it 
can  be  used  without  mittens.  A  little  on  the 
carriage-pole  started  the  hair  on  it  like  moss. 
We  dropped  some  on  the  stove,  and  as  the  fire 
was  kindled  the  hair  started,  and  the  hotter  the 
stove  became,  the  faster  grew  the  hair,  till  the 
smell  of  the  burnt  hair  became  so  powerful  as  to 
drive  all  from  the  room.  The  stove  was  set  in 
the  ban?,  and  it  can't  be  seen  now,  as  the  hair 
is  literally  stacked  upon  it.  Only  one  applica 
tion.  A  little  applied  on  a  wagon-tire  has  in 
five  days  started  a  vigorous  crop,  and  now  the 
wagon  can  be  driven  over  a  plank-road  and  not 
make  the  least  noise,  BO  well  are  the  wheels  cov 
ered  with  soft  hair  Only  one  application — 


264  Wonderful  Hcwr-R&producer. 

dollar  a  cake.  We  skinned  a  goose,  put  on  some 
of  the  Onguent,  and  in  two  hours  the  feather- 
grower  was  enveloped  in  hair  like  a  squirrel,  and 
was  seen  this  morning  trying  to  climb  a  shagbark 
hickory  in  the  back-yard.  A  little  applied  to 
the  inkstand  has  given  it  a  coat  of  bristles, 
making  a  splendid  pen-wiper  at  little  cost.  "We 
applied  the  lather  to  a  tenpenny  nail,  and  the 
nail  is  now  the  handsomest  lather-brush  yon  ever 
saw,  with  a  beautiful  growth  of  soft  hair  at  the 
end  of  it,  some  five  or  six  feet  in  length.  Only  a 
dollar  a  cake !  Applied  to  door  stones,  it  does 
away  with  the  use  of  a  mat.  Applied  to  a  floor, 
it  will  cause  to  grow  therefrom  hair  sufficient  for 
a  Brussels  carpet.  A  little  of'this  Onguent  lather 
was  accidentally  dropped  on  the  head  of  our 
cane,  which  has  been  perfectly  bald  for  over  ten 
years,  and  immediately  a  thick  growth  of  hair 
formed,  completely  covering  it,  compelling  us  to 
shave  the  head  twice  a  week.  Only  a  dollar  a 
bottle — directions  thrown  in.  A  little  weak 


Wonderful  Hair-Reproducer.  265 

lather  sprinkled  over  a  barn  makes  it  impervious 
to  wind,  rain,  or  cold.  It  is  good  to  put  inside 
of  children's  cradles — sprinkle  on  sidewalks,  any 
thing,  where  luxuriant  grass  is  wanted  for  use  or 
ornament.  "We  put  a  little  on  the  head  of  navi 
gation,  and  a  beautiful  hair  covered  it.  A  little 
on  the  mouth  of  Mississippi  river  started  hair 
there  resembling  the  finest  red-top  grass,  in  which 
cows,  sheep,  pigs,  hogs,  snipes,  woodcock,  and 
young  ducks  graze  with  keen  relish.  Only  a 
dollar  a  cake.  Sent  by  mail  to  any  address. 
One  application  will  grow  a  luxuriant  mustache 
for  a  boy.  One  dollar  a  cake.  Samson  used  it 


12 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 


THK  DICKENS. 

boz. 

We  saw  him. 

'E  came  from  Hengland  1  Came  hover 
the  hocean  hin  two  steamers,  the  blarsted  things  i 
He  came  over  to  collect  interest  on  his  notes  of 
Americans  taken  some  years  since.  He  said 

the  Americans   were    hall    Hasses,   and the 

Dickens ! 

The  Lord  loveth  whom  he  chasteneth. 

We  all  love  whomsoever  chastiseth  us.     Selah. 

Therefore,  the  Dickens. 

We  did  saw  him ! 

Great  men  are  always  fashionable.     The  folks 


The  Dick&iut.  267 

turn  out  to  welcome  great  men  and  those  they 
love.  They  rushed  to  see  Lincoln's  funeral, 
They  paid  to  Bee  the  late  prize-fight.  They 
welcomed  the  Portland  gag  Weston,  the  walkist, 
whose  pleasant  fictions  as  to  wagers,  and  so  forth, 
reminds  us  of  Dickens. 

The  papers  have  told  all  they  know  about 
WESTON.  Some  of  them  have  had  special 
correspondents  to  tell  us  of  Dickens — who  he 
was,  how  he  was,  what  he  was,  when  he  was, 
where  he  was,  why  he  was,  which  he  was,  and 
how  he  acted  while  he  was  1 

The  New  York  papers  are  not  particulai 
enough.  Their  readers  are  great  for  gossip  and 
raising  the  Dickens.  We  pattern  after  New 
York  papers  and  cater  only  to  those  who  follow 
lions  and  flutter  like  tails  to  foreign  kites. 

Dickens  came. 

Then  he  came  again. 

This  is  his  second  coming. 

We  saw  him  land.     We  sat  on  the  top  of 


268  The  Dickens. 

Bunker  Hill  Monument  and  saw  him  come 
ashore.  "We  ran  ahead  of  him  to  New  York  and 
Baw  him  there.  He  came  in  by  Cominunipaw, 
Murray  Street,  the  Central  Park,  Tammany 
Hall,  Mozart  Wood  pile,  and  down  the  Broadway ! 

He  is — the  Dickens. 

He  was  dressed  in  men's  clothes — or  one  man's 
clothes  at  all  events.  They  were  made  in 
England.  He  had  hair  on  his  head,  and  what  he 
could  not  put  there  he  had  on  his  face.  He 
wore  a  coat,  and  a  penknife.  He  walked  in  from 
the  Hub  for  his  constitutional.  He  emulates 
"Weston,  only  "Weston  beat  the  Dickens.  He 
entered  the  hotel  by  the  front  .door.  He  walked 
very  fast — made  the  distance,  eight  miles  from 
the  carriage  to  the  hotel  door,  inside  his — under 
shirt! 

His  boots  were  worn  on  his  feet,  while  he  wore 
his  hat  on  his  head!  He  sells  enough  waste 
paper  each  day  to  buy  a  rose  for  his  button-hole. 
The  paper  comes  from  those  who  wish  him  t/ 


The  Dwken*.  26* 

exhibit  himself  at  their  houses.  This  would 
make  the  next  door  and  the  other  set  of  fellows 
feel  bad!  The  Dickens! 

He  eateth  not  of  mustard.  So  does  a  cat! 
Very  unfeline  not  to  eat  mustard!  He  eats 
mutton  chops  and  pulls  wool.  Selah ! 

He  has  two  agents  and  nine  body-servants. 
And  many  servants  for  his  legs !  He  says  come 
here,  and  they  goeth — and  go  there,  and  they 
cometh ! 

He  uses  a  fork.  He  makes  'em  all  fork  over  1 
W^e  saw  him  arise  once.  It  was  in  the  morning 
—before  breakfast.  This  is  the  how  of  it. 

At  half-past  three  o'clock  A.  M.  he  turned  over 
wid  squeaked  the  bed  to  see  if  his  agent  had 
come  in.  Then  he  sneezed  out  of  one  nose. 
Then  he  sneezed  out  of  the  other.  Then  he 
aneezed  out  of  both  at  once.  Three  times. 
He  then  pulled  the  top  sheet  over  his  right 
eyebrow,  turned  to  his  left  wing,  and  slept  like  a 
babe  taking  its  catnip  or  kit  nap ! 


270  The  Dickens. 

At  four  he  slung  the  sheet  from  his  chiu, 
turned  over  again  and  gently  put  his  left  foot  out 
of  bed.  One  of  his  leg  servants  then  drew  on  hia 
hose.  He  dresses  the  left  foot  first.  This  is  not 
right,  for  he  eats  no  mustard.  So  does  a  cat ! 

Then  his  garments  were  wafted  on  him,  all 
but  the  rose  in  his  button-hole.  He  washed  hia 
face  in  the  basin.  Used  water,  wet  his  hands 
before  he  did  his  face.  This  is  peculiarly 
English.  Then  he  combed  his  hair  by  proxy, 
and  while  one  of  his  servants  was  cleaning  his 
teeth,  wrote  a  ten-thousand-dollar  article  for  the 
Mamby  Pamby  Pass  Book. 

At  six  o'clock  he  sneezed  again.  It  was  the 
mustard ! 

At  seven  he  tasted  a  glass  of  water,  and  at 
eight  poked  his  head  out  of  the  window  to  hear 
an  Italian  boy  from  Dublin  sing,  as  he  trudged 
along  between  two  tin  pails — 

Claim  to  Kfll    Fine  clams  to  day  I 
Gams  nice  and  soft  from  Rockaway  I 


The  Dickens.  271 

dcms  to  bake  and  clams  to  fry, 
And  clams  to  make  a  clam  pot-pie 

Oh  Clams  I 

Oh  Clams  I 

Soft  clams  I 

Tell  your  dads  and  tell  your  mams 
That  I'm  the  boy  to  sell  'em  clams  t 

This  little  testimonial  will  be  printed  in 
volume  two  of  his  American  Notes,  price  ten 
pence  ha'penny ! 

At  nine  he  breakfasted.  He  entered  the 
dining-room  by  deploying  from  the  left,  striking 
the  table  in  an  oblique  position  on  the  extreme 
centre.  He  then  caromed  on  a  soft-boiled 
potato,  levied  on  a  link  of  fried  eel,  pulled  an 
eye-winker  from  his  left  eye,  camped  on  a  hot 
buckwheat  pancake  rather  syruptitiously,  drove 
his  picket  into  a  country  sausage,  illustrated  an 
edition  of  porter-house  beef-steak  with  cuts, 
made  a  water-fall  of  a  glass  of  milk,  wrestled 
with  it  two  inches  higher  than  his  cheek  bone,  and 


272  The  Dickens. 

downed  a  piece  of  butter  and  sneezed  gentlj  at 
the  mustard ! 

Dickens  uses  tea.  He  uses  it  for  a  beverage. 
He  holds  the  cup  even  with  his  cheek  bone, 
in  his  left  hand,  and  dips  it  in  with  a  tea 
spoon.  He  refused  to  allow  Butler  to  call  on 
him  during  tea-time ! 

At  ten  o'clock  he  shoves  the  table  from  him 
and  sits  down  against  the  wall  to  write.  He 
is  quite  a  noted  writer.  He  writes  for  fun 
while  waiting  for  something  to  turn  up.  Then 
he  looks  over  his  tickets,  gives  the  counterfeit 
ones  to  dead  heads,  writes  a  letter  to  his  pub 
lishers,  and  tries  the  hall  for  its  acoustic 
properties.  When  he  walks  he  puts  one  leg 
before  the  other.  The  faster  he  walks  the 
faster  he  moves  his  legs.  But  he  uses  no 
mustard  I 

He  is  commanding — orders  a  gin-cocktail 
whenever  he  wants  one,  except  in  Boston  ! 

When   writing    he    sits   in    a    chair   if   con 


The  Dickens.  273 

reiiient,  places  the  paper  before  him,  taken 
the  pen  in  his  right  hand,  dips  it  occasionally 
in  an  inkstand  and  winks.  He  always  winki 
as  he  dips  his  pen,  but  uses  no  mustard! 

He  is  the  author  of  several  works,  in  which 
respect  he  resembles  Brigham  Young  more 
than  George  Washington,  who  used  mustard ! 

He  telegraphed  into  Boston  from  mid-ocean 
that  he  was  sea-sick,  and  should  leave  the 
steamer  and  walk  in,  so  an  extra  boat  was 
sent  out  to  meet  him.  One  day  when  dining 
with  Deacon  Brown,  of  the  Two-hundredth- 
street  Church,  he  got  off  a  joke  which  startled 
the  Brown  family. 

Said  Mrs.  Deacon  Brown-  — 

"My  dear  Mr.  Dickens,  how  did  you  like 
the  sea  on  your  trip  ? " 

Said  Charles — 

* 

"I  see  too  much  of  it — let  us  wave  the  sub- 
iect  1  0  shun  it,  I  pray  1 " 

The  Browns  all  laughed  immoderately.     But 
12* 


874  The  Dickens. 

Dickens  would  not  eat  their  mustard !  Then 
Mrs.  Deacon  Brown  asked  if  he  was  sea-sick. 

Then  Mr.  Dickens  responded — 

"  You  bet  1  Every  man  of  sense  is  sea-sick. 
So  was  I.  I  was  disgusted,  and  I  thought  of 
the  person  who  attempted  a  sea  voyage  on  the 
Bea  of  Galilee,  was  sea-sick,  disgusted,  and 
got  out  and  walked!" 

Deacon  Brown  looked  at  his  wife,  hut  neither 
of  them  smiled.  It  was  the  mustard  ! 

In  person  Mr.  Dickens  resembles  his  pictures 
quite  much,  but  the  resemblance  is  not  so  strik 
ing  as  it  was.  Mr.  Dickens  brought  a  few 
intimate  friends  with  him  to  this  country,  the 
society  here  being  so  poor,  and  it  is  now  his 
intention  to  visit  a  few  of  the  wealthy  but 
honest  families  of  New  York  and  Boston  with 
his  select  party,  for  the  purpose  of  giving  us 
Americans  lessons  in  manners,  politeness,  and 
civilization  without  mustard ! 


188S. 


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English  Orphans 

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